Delicate
by special2401
Summary: Meredith has made a return to Seattle, but only ten years too late. She's let things happen to her that are unforgiveable. Can she save herself or will someone else?
1. Chapter 1: Incoming

**Chapter 1: Incoming**

"Come on, we have one incoming!" Cristina yelled to the nearby interns as she hurried by them. She snapped on her gloves the ambulance pulled into the emergency bay.

She pulled the door open as the paramedics came around and her two interns showed up behind them. "Two victims: A woman and her three-year-old child. The rest of the family was checked out and released with minor cuts at the scene," a muscular man said as he pulled out the first gurney. "It was a pretty bad car accident."

Cristina just nodded, "Dr. Hall!" she called to the female intern who looked up, alarmed. "Take the woman. Clean her up and report back to me right away."

"Okay," Dr. Hall said as she led the gurney into the hospital, the paramedic informing her of the woman's status.

Cristina got into the ambulance and pulled out the second gurney as the paramedic who has been driving came to the back to help her. "She seems to be better off than her mother," he explained.

"All right, Dr. Moore! You're taking the little girl. Report back to me before you do anything," she ordered as the male intern took the gurney.

"It was a car accident?" Cristina asked the paramedic before he could run off with Dr. Moore.

"Yeah, the woman was in the passenger seat and the little girl was behind her. They were switching lanes sharply and an SUV rammed into them on the highway. The rest of the family was fine and the driver of the other vehicle walked away as well. He's lucky," the paramedic explained.

"Yeah, except for the fact that this woman's husband was stupid enough to run into him," Cristina mumbled in response before heading into the ER.

"Dr. Yang?" Cristina stopped when she saw Dr. Bailey hurrying over to her. "The Chief told me we had one incoming. Is it bad?"

"Car crash. Two victims. One looks pretty bad."

"Well, where are they?" Bailey asked, slightly irritated.

"Dr. Hall and Dr. Moore took them to trauma," Cristina explained as she noticed one of her interns hurrying over to her.

"Dr. Yang?" Dr. Hall asked as she hurried over to her. "I examined Mrs. Douglas. She's stable. She seems to have a fractured right arm and a large head contusion. Other than that she has a few cuts and a lot of unexplainable bruises."

"Unexplainable? Dr. Hall, this woman was just hit on the right side by an SUV bigger than both of us. She is obviously going to have bruises," Cristina answered, trying to pretend that she wasn't being embarrassed in front of a superior.

"They aren't fresh," Dr. Hall said, jumping in. "They all seem to be of different ages. I think she may have taken a few beatings," she added, looking at both of them for approval.

Cristina sighed as Dr. Moore hurried over to them. "The husband is on his way," he said quickly.

Cristina nodded and turned back to Dr. Hall, "Have the police question him before he sees her. It could be spousal abuse and we don't need him intimidating her. Once she regains consciousness question her as well without him there or even her knowing that he is in this hospital. We need to make sure that they're stories line up." Dr. Hall nodded before Cristina turned her attention towards the other intern. "Dr. Moore?"

"The little girl is also stable and awake. A few minor cuts and a broken wrist," he answered.

"Any old bruises like her mother?" Cristina asked.

"No," he reported.

"Good, now both of you need to get orthopedic consults. Get Dr. Matthews. And Hall, get the mother checked out by Dr. Shepherd for her head injury," Cristina said before sending her interns off.


	2. Chapter 2: Suspicion

**Chapter 2: Suspicion**

Cristina placed her tray down on the table in front of her as she took her seat. She leaned back and opened a magazine, giving herself something to occupy her mind with. In a matter of seconds, Izzie and Alex joined her laughing about something they'd said before. As they sat down, Izzie leaned over and kissed Alex on the lips.

Cristina dropped her magazine and groaned, "Are you two always like this?"

"We are engaged, you know," Izzie pointed out as she poured some ranch dressing on her salad.

"And? I'm married to Burke. I've even got a kid with him. I'm not with Burke all the time and all over him. It's disturbing. Not to mention, completely against every natural law."

"Yang's just jealous," Alex said as he sat back in his chair.

"Of what? You?" she said, not believing her own words.

"I think someone just isn't getting enough sex. Having marital problems?" Alex asked with a smirk, enjoying pissing Cristina off.

He knew his plan had worked the second he caught the roll Cristina threw at his face, "Shut up, evil spawn."

Izzie smiled at the stupid nickname before deciding to change the subject. "Have you gotten the Christmas Cards yet?"

"Which one?"

"From George and Callie?" Izzie asked.

"Yeah," Cristina answered, "What's their daughter's name?"

"Colleen. She's so adorable, isn't she?" Izzie said in that high-pitched voice that made Cristina want to hit her, "I cannot wait to have kids."

"You're getting old so you better hurry up," Cristina said bitterly as she picked up her magazine again.

"I'm not old!" Izzie protested.

"Izzie? You're 38. That's old," Cristina said bluntly receiving rolling eyes from Izzie. Cristina decided not to mention that she was 39. After a few moments, she spoke again, "What about Meredith?"

"Yeah," Izzie said sadly, "She didn't look that great. She has lost some weight."

"I didn't know she had any to lose," Cristina responded, trying to not let a concerned voice slip.

"She didn't," Alex supplied, stating the obvious.

"It's sad," Izzie said as she eyed Alex, telling him to shut up. "At least her kids are cute and they seem to be doing fine.

"She's crazy," Cristina stated bluntly.

"What?"

"I can barely handle one kid. Kids are loud and needy and crazy. She has four. And she's a doctor. That's just crazy and wrong," Cristina said, "And completely unlike Meredith."


	3. Chapter 3: Unsettling

Chapter 3: Unsettling 

Derek walked down the hallway as both his pager and cell phone went off at the same time. He read the quick message on his pager before turning it off. He grabbed his phone and answered it, heading towards his page.

"Derek Shepherd," Derek said, answering his phone.

"Hey, Der," a woman said on the other side of the phone.

"Hey," he answered, his voice relaxing. "How are you?"

"Good. I didn't mean to bug you at work, but I was just wondering if you wanted to meet tonight? Maybe for a drink?"

Derek smiled, "Sure. When do you want to meet? I get off at four," he said, stopping in front of the patient's door.

"Does five sound good?" she suggested.

"Yeah, sounds great."

"I'll see you then," she answered.

"Yeah, see you then. Bye," he answered before closing his phone and dropping it back into his pocket.

He looked up at the nearby clock and noticed that it was three. That meant he only had to get through two more hours before he could leave and go see her. That was good. Very good, actually. He smiled to himself again before turning to open the patient's door. Before he could open it, a hand stopped him, forcing him to turn around.

"Yes, Dr. Bailey?"

"You're off the case," she said quickly, "They need you in surgery. I'm going to take this one off your hands."

Derek looked at her strangely, but nodded and turned to leave. Bailey watched him and sighed in relief. She then turned back towards the door and put her hand on the knob. She hesitated for a moment and took a deep breath. The possibilities of what could be behind this door scared her more than she cared to admit.


	4. Chapter 4: Return

_Sorry about all the short chapters. They will be getting longer as I continue. I promise. I'm really glad that everyone likes the story and I promise that everything will become clear as the story goes on!_

* * *

**  
Chapter 4: Return**

Her eyes fluttered open. She looked around, not really alarmed at first that she was in a hospital. She was a doctor; she woke up in hospitals all the time. But then it hit her. She wasn't used to waking up in this hospital.

She looked around for a while before she realized that someone was standing near the door. She looked at the woman for a while. She had aged a lot, but she wasn't sure if it was because of the stress of being a doctor with children or just the amount of time that had passed since they last met eyes.

She tried her best to sit up, but she felt a pain that she hadn't been expecting. She looked over at new heavy arm and saw a cast. She didn't understand what had happened. Giving up, she allowed herself to lie back down and close her eyes. She tired her best to think. She wanted to know what happened. She tried to go back to that morning and remember everything. She could remember waking up next to her husband and then getting the kids up. Today was the day they were moving. They had all slept in sleeping bags the night before since they didn't have any furniture still in their house. Then they all made their way to the car and onto the highway, but that was where her memory stopped.

"Mrs. Douglas?" a voice asked, stepping closer to the bed.

She opened her eyes again at the voice. She was used to that name. After all, it was her name. But still, it had never escaped those lips before. She had never been Mrs. Douglas to her before.

"Mrs. Douglas?" the voice said again, reaching the side of her bed.

She swallowed hard and tried to force herself to say something. She couldn't just sit and act as though she was mute. Well, maybe she could. Maybe that was what she should do. Actually, considering the person standing at her side, she knew it was pointless. It would only cause a lot of unneeded and unwanted yelling. Actually, maybe it could be considered a lot of overdue yelling. She figured that she deserved a lot of yelling lately and she had yet to receive it. Well she had, but not the right kind of yelling. She hadn't been getting yelled at for the right reasons. Then she finally decided that this train of thought was the main reason that many people questioned her sanity.

"Meredith!" the voice said more forcefully.

"Dr. Bailey?" Meredith asked in a weaker voice that she had intended on.

"Don't Dr. Bailey me! You have a whole lot of explaining to do! You just walked out of my program and didn't say a damn word to me and then you just show up in my hospital ten years later!" Bailey scowled.

"Dr. Bailey?" Meredith asked again, a little stronger this time. She'd known that it was Bailey all alone. Bailey was unmistakable, but still. Now that Bailey was yelling, it was different. It had an odd familiarity to it, like it had happened so many times before. She knew it had, but it had been such a long time ago. Meredith almost began to miss the yelling. See, people had good reason to question her sanity more than once.

"Can you say anything besides my name? Now I know you have a bigger vocabulary than that," Bailey said, calming herself down a little.

"What… What's going on?" Meredith finally asked, glad she found her words again.

Bailey's stern facial expression almost disappeared, "You don't remember, do you?"

Meredith's forehead wrinkled, "Remember?" She looked around the room again and then back down at her own body. She was lying down in a hospital bed with a cast around her arm. She looked up at Dr. Bailey again with realization crossing her face, "No. I don't actually."

Bailey sighed as she looked at the frail body lying before her. All she could think of was the word thin. Meredith had always been thin. Always. But this, this was just horrible. She didn't look healthy at all. It really didn't help that most of her skin was purple or red. Bailey thought a moment about what Cristina's intern had found. Bruises. As she had described, unexplainable bruises. "There was an accident," she began.

Meredith's face went pale. Slowly, everything came back to her. The screeching tires. The screaming. The impact. The pain. It all came floating back. Before she even knew it, she started crying. Bailey didn't say anything. She didn't even move. She just waited. She gave Meredith a few minutes, which she used to calm herself down. Once the tears were gone, she looked back up to Bailey.

She didn't want to ask. Every fiber of Miranda Bailey didn't want to ask because she did not want to know the answer. She didn't want to know at all. But that didn't matter. She had to know. She had to know because she was Meredith's doctor. And not only that, but she need to know for her sake. Meredith would always be her intern; she would always be protective of her. She had to know. She needed to know for Meredith's care and safety. Once she went over all the reasons in her mind as to why she had to ask this question, she took a deep breath. Then she asked, "Meredith? Is someone hurting you?"


	5. Chapter 5: Abrupt

**Chapter 5: Abrupt**

Derek scrubbed out of his surgery, relieved that it was successful and that he was done. Now he could leave the hospital. He smiled to himself as he left the scrub room and began walking towards his office.

"Dr. Shepherd?"

Derek stopped. He did not want to be called into something else, but the doctor in him forced him to turn around.

"How's my patient?" Cristina asked.

"Dr.Kline? He's doing fine actually. He's up in recovery. He woke up at about one this afternoon," Derek explained, a little surprised that she hadn't just gone and found herself. After all, Dr. Yang did not usually wait around and rely on other people.

"No, not Dr. Kline. I've already seen him. I'm talking about Mrs. Douglas. I haven't gone back to see her yet," Cristina clarified.

"I don't have a patient with that name," Derek answered, completely confused.

"The car crash victim."

"Oh, her," Derek answered, "I was called into surgery. Bailey took over the case."

"Bailey? Why? She's a Cardio attending. Why would she be down there for a neuro consult?" Cristina asked.

"I just do what I'm told," Derek said innocently.

"Well, then get down there and check my patient out!" Cristina basically yelled. "I asked for a neurologist! If I had wanted a someone in cardio, I would have gone down there myself!"

"Okay," Derek said, a little shocked at her outburst, "Let me just make my rounds for the night with my patients and then I'll go check on Mrs. Douglas."


	6. Chapter 6: Fear

Chapter 6: Fear 

"Mommy?" Bailey let her intense gaze on Meredith falter as the door creaked up. "Mommy?" a small voice said again. Meredith sat up a little and Bailey backed away from her bed as the door opened. A small girl with dark blond hair looked up at them and froze at the sight of her mother.

Meredith looked at the little girl. She had always looked a lot like her mother. She had gorgeous hair that resembled her Mothers, only a shade lighter. She was gentle and kind, two other traits that she seemed to have received from her mother. Most days, her eyes were gentle, innocent and welcoming. Today they were confused, scared and worried.

Meredith tried her best to smile at her, but the girl just turned around and ran out of the room. "Hayley? What are you doing?" Meredith heard a voice say. She recognized that voice and it warmed her heart.

"Mommy… she's not mommy anymore," the little girl said in tears.

"Yes she is. Come on, let's go see Mommy," the voice said.

Meredith watched as her ten year old daughter walked in, carrying her little brother and dragging her upset little sister. Meredith's smile hadn't returned. Her eldest daughter was being forced to take care of her younger children. She was the one who was supposed to be holding her son. That was her job. It was her job to comfort them and tell them that everything would be fine, but two of them wouldn't even look at her.

"Madelyn?" Meredith said, weakly. The girl looked up at her mother and stopped. She was smart. She had always been smart for her age. She knew that people got hurt in car accidents. She knew that they sometimes looked bad afterwards. Her mother had explained that to her after her best friend got into a bad car accident a year ago. She was expecting her Mom to look hurt. Still, it was hard for a ten-year-old to digest.

Bailey looked at them all. She could tell right away that those three children were Meredith's. It was obvious. They each had small pieces of her that made them who they were.

The oldest one walked over to the bed, apparently having summoned her courage again. She let go of her little sister's arm and placed her little brother on the edge of the bed near Meredith's feet. She then pulled herself up on the bed and came to Meredith's side, "Mommy? Are the Doctors going to fix your booboos?"

When faced with danger, the girl seemed to stay strong, but in ways revert back to the maturity level she should have for her age. Bailey was not surprised, but Meredith was. Her daughter was always strong and well spoken. Seeing the smaller child in her come out was heart breaking.

That is when Bailey decided that this child was most like Meredith. She not only resembled her, but her tendencies matched Meredith as well. She was self-conscious, but strong-willed and determined. She didn't want people to see her flaws and she was holding up a wall of fineness, even if she was doing it subconsciously.

Meredith raised her uninjured hand to her daughter's face and gently brushed the hair away, "Mommy's fine. The doctors here are going to make her feel all better."

"Like the doctors at home?" the smaller girl said as she joined her siblings on the bed and came closer to Meredith.

"Yes, Hayley," Meredith said to the little girl, "Just like the doctors at home."

Bailey could hear the shakiness in Meredith's voice and it made her wonder. "Meredith, I'll give you a few minutes alone with them," she said. Meredith nodded and gave a silent thank you before Bailey left the room.

"Where's my little boy?" Meredith asked in a sweet voice.

The little boy at the end of the bed turned a little towards his mother's voice. His eyes were cast down and his body slumped over slightly. He'd always been shy, but he usually was happy and hyper around his mother.

"Brayden is ascared, mama. I was ascared, but I'm not no more," Hayley said to her mother.

Meredith smiled at the sweet voice. "I know, baby. It's okay to be scared, though. Mommy is scared sometimes too."

"Were you scared when they brought you here?" the older girl asked.

Meredith smiled again at her children, trying to be strong for them. "Of course, Madelyn. I didn't know if you all were okay. I'm not scared anymore."

"You're not?"

The little voice was sweeter than the girls. The innocence was obvious as he finally looked up at his mother with his beautiful eyes. "Nope, Mommy's not scared anymore," Meredith said as her little boy crawled over to her. "Mommy missed you," she said quietly as her son cuddled up to her. It was painful for them to move around and touch her, but she didn't complain. Three of her babies were with her and that made things okay.

She kissed the little boy's hair as her two girls situated themselves on the small mattress as well. She tried to smile, but her mind was drifting. She had three of her children, but she was missing one. Meredith knew that she was at the hospital, but it scared her that she wasn't wit her siblings.


	7. Chapter 7: Husbands

**Chapter 7: Husbands**

"Dr. Hall?" Bailey said as she left Meredith's room, thankful to see the intern.

"Yes, Dr. Bailey?"

"You know the car crash victim, Meredith Douglas?" Bailey asked, receiving a nod, "I need you to look up all her records. Look for anything suspicious: frequent hospital stays for broken bones or bruises."

"Do you guys really think she's being abused?" the intern asked.

"I do believe I asked you to do something. I did, didn't I?" Dr. Bailey asked harshly, receiving a scared nod from the intern, "Now, unless you have reason as to why she isn't being abused, I suggest you get going."

"It's just, I met her husband," she answered carefully, "He didn't seem like that kind of guy."

"They never do," she answered. She checked on a few of her patient's until Dr. Hall found her with Meredith's records. Bailey looked them over before turning back to towards her room.

When she opened the door, the sight before her made her heart break. She had never pegged Meredith to be the one to want a big family, especially having known her own family past, but she seemed natural at it.

The three children, who previously had been scared and self-conscious, were all cuddled close to one another and Meredith, drifting close to a peaceful sleep. Bailey smiled at them and walked over to the bed, picking up Meredith's chart.

She read the observations from the exam and they disturbed her slightly. The little children had interrupted their conversation earlier, but she knew she had to have the discussion with Meredith, whether or not either of them wanted to.

Bailey cleared her throat and Meredith looked up at her. She knew the expression that Bailey was wearing. Bailey had given her that look many times before. It meant that someone had some explaining to do. Meredith did not like that look at all. Lucky enough for her, she had sleeping children on her side.

"Meredith? Honey, are you okay?"

Meredith and Bailey both turned their heads to the now open door as the children shuffled a little in their light slumber. "Trevor?" Meredith asked in a mixed tone. Bailey couldn't exactly figure it out, but she knew that it wasn't the way she should be greeting the man she could only guess was Mr. Douglas.

"Mr. Douglas," Bailey began, capturing the attention of the man, "You need to take your children down to the daycare so that you can fill out some papers for your wife while we run a few more tests."

"Tests?" he asked, "She doesn't need any tests. She's fine."

"We do not know that yet. She hit her head pretty hard. We need to get a CT and have a neurologist look it over before we can even think about drawing up some disharge papers," Dr. Bailey said sternly.

"Daddy?"

Trevor looked over a saw his children. He walked over to the bed and lifted Hayley and Brayden into his arms. Meredith gave him a weak smile as the children woke up a little more in his arms.

Madelyn sat up as well and quickly gave Meredith a small hug, careful of her injuries. "Get better, okay Mommy?"

"Okay, Madelyn," Meredith said, this time with a real smile.

The girl slid off the side of the bed and followed Trevor and her siblings over to the door. Trevor stopped at the door and looked over at Meredith, "Please get better Mer," he said before looking over at Bailey, "Take good care of her."

Bailey nodded and waited for the family to leave. Then she walked over to the door and shut it. She knew that now was her chance to have this unwanted conversation.


	8. Chapter 8: Stop

**Chapter 8: Stop**

"That was Trevor," Meredith said, hating the silence that had fallen between herself and her former resident, "He's my husband." Bailey could tell that Meredith was holding back tears, but she didn't say anything, "Those three were my children. Madelyn, she's nine, almost ten. She's pretty amazing. She's so mature for her age. And then the other little girl was Hayley, she's six. My baby is Brayden. He's only two years old." Meredith finished with a small smile on her face as her tears gently rolled down her face as she realized something, "Where's my other little girl? Why wasn't Cassidy with them? She's only four! She can't be by herself!"

Bailey could hear the terror in her voice and it alarmed her, "Calm down, Meredith. She was admitted when you were with a broken wrist. Other than that, she is okay." Bailey stepped over to the bed and tried to soothe Meredith with her light words.

Meredith blinked back her tears as she looked up at Bailey, "Are you positive that she's okay?"

"Yes, I swear that she is fine," Bailey said, reassuring her. "Now, we need to focus on you. You never answered my question."

Meredith wiped her face before looking up at Bailey again, "What question?" she asked innocently.

"Is anyone hurting you?" she asking calmly, knowing that this was going to be a very touchy subject.

Meredith held her breath for a moment before she could respond. Her eyes clouded over with an expression Bailey didn't quite recognize, "Hurting me? No one is hurting me. Why would you think that?"

"Bruises, Meredith," Bailey said as she took the woman's hand, "You have a lot of bruises."

"Bruises? An SUV just ran into me! Of course I have bruises!" Meredith said forcefully, getting aggravated.

"Meredith, we both know that we can tell how old a bruise is. Those are not new and they are serious," she said, trying her best to remain calm.

"I don't know what you are talking about," Meredith said quickly, turning away and removing her hand from Bailey's grasp.

"Oh, you don't?" Bailey asked. She would have thought that the Meredith Grey she knew wouldn't stand for this kind of treatment from a man. She thought that the Meredith Grey she knew would get help, especially when help is standing right in front of her. This is not how she would have expected this situation to be dealt with.

"Let me show you," Bailey said as she pulled Meredith's blankets down to reveal her upper body. She picked up her uninjured arm and made Meredith look at it, "There are three bruises," she began, pointing out each and every one. "And here," she continued as she revealed Meredith's stick-thin legs, "Here on your right leg there are about five serious ones. And one your left leg there are six." She continued to point out every single one, trying to not be affected by the muffled cries coming from Meredith. "And there are two on your back."

Bailey stopped and Meredith instinctively pulled her blanket back up on her body, feeling too vulnerable for her liking. She turned away from Bailey again, burying her face in her pillow.

Bailey picked up the chart again, "Five hospitalizations. January 10th, 2011 at Georgetown University Hospital in D.C. You had a concussion from falling down the stairs," Bailey read off. "November 21st, 2012, broken arm at Sibley Memorial Hospital in D.C. from falling off a ladder while painting your house."

Meredith continued to cry, unable to even look up at Bailey. She couldn't take this. She just wanted to go back home. "Stop," Meredith whispered through her tears in a weak voice.

"August 1st, 2014. Broken wrist at Howard University Hospital from falling while playing with your kids."

"Stop it," Meredith said again, this time louder, despite her shaking voice and the tears streaming down her bruised face.

"April 25th, 2015 for a broken nose at Providence Hospital in D.C. from getting hit with a baseball playing with your daughter."

"STOP IT!" Meredith screamed, scaring both herself and Bailey. She fell back on the bed hard, completely losing all of her energy as she continued to cry. "Please stop it, please, please just stop it," she mumbled repeatedly into her pillow, her body still shaking.

Bailey closed the chart, unaware of how to approach Meredith at this point. "Meredith, I'm only here to help you, protect you," she said softly. She walked over to the ghost of the woman she once knew. She felt her maternal instincts take over as she gently began to rub Meredith's back, trying her best to comfort her.


	9. Chapter 9: Strange

**Chapter 9: Strange**

"Have anything interesting today?" Izzie asked as she walked over to the coffee cart, seeing Cristina standing near by.

"No," Cristina answered bitterly, "I'm a surgeon and I don't have any surgeries. What kind of surgeon doesn't have any surgeries?"

Izzie shrugged her shoulders as she paid for her coffee and walked over to stand next to Cristina, "I have a premie case with Shepherd," she said, acting as though Cristina had been considerate enough to ask, "We're placing a shunt in her brain in about two hours."

"Oh, that's real fair. Fairy princess gets a cool surgery with Shepherd and I get battered car crash victims," she answered sarcastically before dumping her empty bag of cheetos in the trash.

Cristina started walking down the hall and Izzie quickly caught up with her, "Hey, do you know what's going on with Shepherd?"

"What are you talking about, Barbie?"

"He's been happy," Izzie said with an odd face, "Haven't you noticed?"

"Oh yes," Cristina said sarcastically, "I make a point of staring at him and watching his movements every second of my day."

"No, seriously," Izzie said persistently, "It's strange."

Cristina grabbed a few cardio charts and began looking through them, searching for a good surgery to steal, "Maybe he's finally getting laid again. Good for him. It's about time."

"No, it's not an 'I just had sex' kind of happy. It's something else. It's just weird. Isn't it?"

Cristina closed one of the charts and placed it back, but took another with her, "It's weird that you care."


	10. Chapter 10: Swallowed Confessions

**Chapter 10: Swallowed Confessions**

Bailey placed her hand on the door and for the first time in her career, she hesitated. She wasn't one to hesitate: ever. She was a surgeon, talking to patients was supposed to be the easy part, not the hard part. She had left over two hours ago to let Meredith collect herself, but she needed answers. She couldn't discharge Meredith's beautiful daughter if she was not completely positive that that man wouldn't lay a hand on any of those children.

She took a deep breath, trying to reinstate her tough and invincible demeanor. When she stepped into the room, she saw Meredith screw her eyes shut in an attempt to escape. Meredith knew as much as Bailey did what was coming.

She walked over to the bed, her hand gently grazing the linens, "Meredith?" she asked softly, knowing hat force was not going to break Meredith's defense, "Meredith," she said again, "I need… we need to know the truth. You need to tell me the truth."

This time Meredith hastily rolled on her side, trying to be oblivious to her mounting pain and soreness, "Mer-"

"No."

Her weak attempt of stern and strong denial failed miserably and broke Bailey's heart just a little bit more. She could tell this was not only eating away at her former intern physically, but mentally as well. She was losing herself.

"You have a… you have two families. Families never die, Meredith. You have a family here, in Seattle. You have a family with this man. If your family here needs to protect you, you and I both know that they would do anything in their power to make sure that you are safe." Her words were gentle and hesitant, attempting to keep her ambivalent to the reality of this situation. She didn't want to express the emotions she was feeling; she couldn't. Someone had to be strong for Meredith.

"I don't need protection." Her voice shook, her body still turned away from Bailey. She'd become a very believable liar over the past few years, but she knew that she couldn't deceive anyone when looking Bailey in the eye.

"Okay, fine," Bailey said sighing as she silently surrendered to Meredith's lie, "You may not need protection. You may be invincible, but those children. They're young; they're vulnerable. Their bodies cannot take as much as yours can."

"He is not hurting them," Meredith said carefully, swallowing the many confessions caught in her throat, "IU would not let him lay a hand on them."

She could tell Meredith was not lying this time. It may have been the way she said her words or her tone of voice. Bailey didn't know how she knew, but she knew. She stepped away from the bed and stopped at the door, once again hesitating. She looked back at Meredith who had fresh tears gleaming against her swollen skin. "You value their lives enough to protect them by any means, I know you do. But there are people here who value your just as much." She opened the door and took a step out, but was forced to stop herself again. She didn't looked back, but she could feel Meredith's tired eyes on her, "Maybe you should try to value your own life as well."

Bailey closed the door behind her after the words slipped out of her mouth. She headed down the hall, trying to separate herself not only physically, but emotionally from that case. The thing was, Meredith was not just a case to anyone in Seattle Grace. She was so much more.

She hit the elevator button and waited as the door opened. Unfortunately, the last person she wanted to see was standing there, waiting to step out. "Why are you still here? Shouldn't you have left by now?" she asked in her usual demanding tone.

"Dr. Yang wanted me to check up on the car crash victim. Apparently she banged her head pretty hard," Derek answered.

"No."

Derek's forehead wrinkled slightly, "Excuse me?"

"You heard me," she answered fiercely, "I said no. You are not going into that room."

"Why not?"

"Because. Mrs. Douglas is my patient. Not yours."

By now Derek had stepped out of the elevator, allowing the forgotten doors to close. Derek looked down the hall at the room and then back at Bailey, "She wants a neuro consult. You're in cardio."

"I know my job, thank you," Bailey snapped back, "That does not mean that you are going to go in that room."

Bailey had always been extremely persistent; after all, she was Miranda Bailey. Usually, however, her persistence had a logic behind it that was painfully obvious to anyone who was halfway paying attention. This, this he couldn't quite figure out. "What is really going on here?" Derek asked, looking up at the room and stepping past Bailey.

"Derek Shepherd, take one more step and you better count on it being your last. I may look small, but I could take you. Don't think I couldn't."

The utter seriousness and hostility in her voice was shocking to Derek. He looked down at his watch before meeting her eyes, "I don't have time to deal with this. You get to deal with Cristina, I'm innocent in this," he said as he gave in and made his way down the opposite hallway.

4


	11. Chapter 11: Nerves

**Chapter 11: Nerves**

"Dr. Shepherd? I'm about to go see my car crash victim, what's the report on her CTs?" Cristina asked as she caught up with Derek.

Derek stopped in his steps and silently swore that the fates were trying to ruin his night for him. "I wouldn't know."

"What do you mean you wouldn't know? You're the neurosurgeon, I'd expect you to know!" Cristina said, crossing in front of him and entering his line of vision.

"Take it up with Bailey," Derek said before walking away.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

He heard her call after him before grumbling to herself and loudly making her way down the hall. He just headed to his office, determined to leave without anyone else interrupting him. He couldn't be later. Not tonight.

When he finally did reach his office, he quickly got changed into his slacks and a deep blue shirt. When he looked up at the clock, he realized that it was already late. He quickly hurried out of the office and caught the nearby elevator.

He nodded politely at the man next to him before taking notice of the three children around him. Derek smiled at them, being reminded of his many nieces and nephews. He had always wanted children.

He focused his eyes on the metal, but he swore he could feel someone watching him. He slowly turned around and met a young girl's pair of eyes. She seemed to be the oldest out of the three and she was practically staring him down. He smiled at her again, but it didn't change anything. There was something in her eye that made it hard for him to look away.

When the door finally opened again on the ground floor, he nodded again at the man and walked out. He looked back as the doors closed and watched as the eyes followed him. It was strange. He felt like he knew those eyes from somewhere.

As he reached the automatic doors, he physically shook his head, trying to shake these thoughts out of his mind. He was just nervous. That's all it was. Just his nerves.


	12. Chapter 12: Sisters

**Chapter 12: Sisters**

"Dr. Bailey? Where is Mrs. Douglas' chart?" Cristina asked as she crossed the hallway towards her former resident, "First Shepherd won't see her and now I can't find her damn chart. This hospital is seriously going down hill."

"First of all, don't yell at me," Bailey said sharply, "And second of all, my hospital is not going anywhere."

"That didn't answer my question," Cristina stated, ignoring Bailey's seriousness.

Bailey looked around at the people around them and sighed, "Dr. Yang, I'd like to see you in my office if you don't mind."

"Once again, that doesn't answer my question," Cristina said, crossing her arms.

"Office. Now." Bailey answered. She was too tired to deal with Cristina's attitude right now, but she had to make the situation known, at least to Cristina.

When Bailey entered her office, she sat down at one of the two chairs in front of her desk. She didn't really want to see like an authority figure in this situation. This was too personal to be between an employee and their boss. This was about their family.

A few seconds after Bailey sat down, Cristina took a seat in the chair opposite from her. "Okay, what do you need? I have surgery in about ten minutes and I need to go get scrubbed in."

Bailey sighed and looked at Cristina seriously, "You may want to bump that surgery or give it to Burke."

"What? Are you kicking me out of the OR? You cannot do that. I'm not just some measly intern anymore. You can't do that!"

"Cristina," Bailey harshly, interrupting her little rant. "I have to tell you something. Once I tell you this something, you way want to bump that surgery or give it to Burke, okay?"

Cristina finally began to understand the seriousness of the situation and her tense and tough exterior faltered slightly, "What? What happened?"

"It's Meredith," she said gently.

"Oh," Cristina answered softly as she leaned back in the cushioned chair. Her eyes lazily made their way around the room as her mind tried to fathom up an explanation that included Meredith being safe and fine despite Bailey's tone.

Nothing was said for the next five or six minutes. The two women just sat there, feeling many different contradicting emotions. "Her husband," Cristina finally said, breaking the silence. "His last name is Douglas, isn't it?"

Bailey nodded sadly and could see the pain wash over Cristina's face. She waited for Cristina to connect the dots. She knew that the patient 'Mrs. Douglas' had been abused, but Bailey knew that it would take Cristina a lot longer to accept the fact that Meredith was being abused. It was like a completely different world when it's someone you love.

"Oh my god," she whispered softly before her head fell into her hands. Unexpected tears fell down her face and Bailey felt slightly helpless. She knew this would be hard, but she didn't expect Cristina to fall apart and cry. This situation was much more delicate for the people in this hospital than anyone could have predicted, even Bailey.


	13. Chapter 13: Breaking Bonds

**Chapter 13: Breaking Bonds**

Cristina pulled the door open quickly and walked into the room, startling Meredith a little. "Cristina?" her voice was full of pure surprise at the sight of a woman whom she considered her best friend in the world.

"Oh my god," Cristina mumbled for the second time that day. It was barely understandable, but Meredith heard it. "What happened to you?" Cristina asked, throwing away all Cristina-like tendencies.

As Cristina made her way over to the bed, things came flooding through her mind, sending guilt soaring through her body. The image of the woman covered in blood on the stretcher this morning had seemed so meaningless before, but now it was etched into her mind. The years of pictures and Christmas Cards from Meredith and her family the showed how every year Meredith got thinner, weaker. And now the broken woman lying before her. "Meredith, what happened?"

"We got in a car accident after we left the airport," Meredith said slowly. She couldn't believe that Cristina was standing in front of her. She had wanted to see Cristina almost everyday for the past ten years. It had taken everything in her to not call her so many times, to not come running back to Cristina's sarcastic remarks.

"Unexplainable bruises," Cristina said quietly. She had figured everything out earlier with Bailey, but neither of them had been able to say it out loud. Now, now she was seeing it face-to-face. There was no way to deny what had happened to her person.

"What?" Meredith slowly choked out, trying to not show her emotions at all. It had been hard to ignore what Bailey had been saying, but Cristina knew her better than anyone. There was a slim chance that she could get through this.

"My intern. Dr. Hall. She said that you had unexplainable bruises. She said that you had taken a few beatings. I just didn't know it was _you_," Cristina said softly.

Meredith knew that Cristina would find out about her being here. Cristina Yang knew everything. It was a law of nature. She had expected Cristina to come running in here the second she found out, yelling at Meredith and telling her how stupid she was. She was expecting to here Cristina's disappointment in her for letting this happen. She thought Cristina would completely lash out at her and tell her that she was being pathetic. That's what she had expected because that was who Cristina was. That is what Meredith needed. Meredith needed someone to slap some sense into there. The problem was, Cristina wasn't yelling at her or telling her she was stupid. Cristina was feeling emotions that boarded along the lines of sympathy, sorrow, and guilt.

"I wasn't beaten, Cristina. I'm just clumsy. We both know that," Meredith answered. Part of her just wanted to let go of everything and tell Cristina the truth. She wanted to be done with this life she'd been living, but she couldn't. If she did admit, then the hard Cristina would come back. No matter how much Meredith may have known deep down that she needed someone to yell at her for this, she didn't want to be a disappointment in anyone else's eyes.

Cristina looked at her chart, reading the scribble of her intern and the neat handwriting of Bailey. "You bruised your back," Cristina said carefully.

"I fell," Meredith whispered as she looked away from Cristina's critical eyes.

Cristina closed the chart and stepped closer to Meredith, "On what?" This time Meredith could tell that the hard-ass Cristina was coming back. Her words were forceful and they demanded an answer.

"I…I…"

"He did this to you," Cristina said strongly, "He's hurting you. He's been abusing you. And you stayed with him? What the hell, Meredith?"

"Cristina, no one did anything to me," Meredith said, almost reaching a strong voice. She'd slowly been regaining her strength, but the stress of the situation had been bearing down on her roughly.

"Oh, yeah right," Cristina answered, "How long has he been hurting you?"

"Cristina-"

"No, tell me. How long has he been hurting you? Don't you dare tell me he was hurting you before you even got married. You better not be that stupid, Meredith," Cristina shouted, not even caring anymore who could hear her.

"Why are you interrogating me? That's not your job. You're not even my doctor. Dr. Bailey is. Just, leave. Just go," Meredith shot back, hoping that Cristina would just give up, even if it was only for today.

"Why the hell did you stay with him?" Cristina continued, completely ignoring Meredith, "You leave McDreamy because you can't trust him, but you stay with a guy that's beating you and your kids? What the hell is wrong with you?"

"My kids are not being hurt," Meredith answered, "My kids are fine. They're safe."

"Physically," Cristina answered, "You were all dark and twisty before you were ever beaten. How do you think your kids are going to turn out? Do you have any idea what kind of psychological problems your kids are going to have!?"

"Why are you doing this?" Meredith cried, "Just leave me alone. You're a surgeon. You don't like people. I don't need you. There is no reason for you to be in this room!"

Emotionally, Cristina pulled back. She wasn't part of Meredith's life anymore. She wasn't her person anymore. Apparently, there wasn't any reason for her to be in this room.

Meredith saw what her words did and immediately regretted them. Leaving ten years ago hurt their relationship, but this was worse. She had just broken that bond that they formed so many years ago. "Cristina…"

"No," Cristina answered, shaking her head and stepping back. "You're right. There's no reason to be in here."

Meredith watched as the door slammed behind Cristina. Tears immediately began to roll down her face. She looked around the still room, the only sound coming from the beeping machines. Suddenly, she felt extremely alone.

5


	14. Chapter 14: Always

**Chapter 14: Always**

Derek pushed the door open to Joe's and looked around the bar. His eyes feel upon a thin woman with short blonde hair who was sipping a martini. He smiled slightly at himself before walking over to her and pacing a hand on the small of her back. She naturally turned at his touch and he caught her lips in a gentle kiss.

"Sorry I'm late," he said once he pulled away, taking the vacant seat next to her.

She smiled sweetly at him, "It's okay. It gave me time to catch up with Joe anyways," she answered as she gestured to the bartender on the other side of the bar who was handing two customers fresh beers. "So, how was your day?"

"Some of my co-workers seem to be losing their minds and are trying to drag me down with them, but other than that, fine." His eyes fell down to the bar and noticed her hand which he quickly covered with his own, "How about you?"

"Fine, but I've been looking forward to tonight," she answered, placing her empty martini glass down, "You do remember what tonight is, don't you?"

"Of course I do," he said with a small smile as he squeezed her hand gently, "Come on, I'm not going to spend our one year anniversary in a bar," he said as he placed some money down to pay for her drink. He carefully helped her off the stool, never letting go of her hand.

"You planned tonight?" she asked with a slightly raised eyebrow as they made their way to the door.

"Of course I did."

"But I called you," she answered.

He opened the door and led her out into the night before turning back at her and smiling, "You always call," he said simply, "I love that you always call."

* * *

**Trust me, as the story goes on, the updates get longer!!**


	15. Chapter 15: Lucky

**Chapter 15: Lucky**

"Good morning, Dr. Shepherd," Bailey said gruffly as Derek stepped onto the elevator next to her.

"Good morning Miranda!" he said enthusiastically, "It really is a good morning isn't it? The sun is shining; not a cloud in the sky. How rare is that for Seattle?"

"Rare," she answered, already annoyed with his happiness.

"Yup, it's a good morning," Derek said, obviously satisfied with himself.

"If you say so," Bailey answered as the doors opened to her floor and she stepped off.

"I do say so," Derek continued to no one particular, considering that the elevator was now empty.

The elevator went up another floor before Derek got out. He headed down the hall to his office until he spotted Cristina holding up a CT to the light. He walked over to her and stopped, "You looking at that woman's CT?"

"What?" she asked, sounding a little startled as she pulled the scan away from the light.

"The car crash victim," Derek said, "Uh… Mrs. Douglas?"

Cristina looked at him strangely for a moment before snapping back into reality, "Uh, yeah, Mrs. Douglas, right."

Derek noted her odd behavior, but he left it alone. "They seemed normal from what I saw. Why are you staring so intently at them?"

"Just double checking," Cristina said assertively.

Derek let out a little chuckle, "Might help if you have an actual neurosurgeon look at them. That is, of course, unless you are expecting to find an aorta in her frontal lobe."

Cristina noticed his stupid joke, but she didn't find it very funny. It wasn't even pathetically funny. It just wasn't. "Whatever, McDreamy," she mumbled as she turned to walk away.

"Excuse me?" Derek asked as his face fell slightly.

"What?" Cristina asked, turning around.

Derek took a few steps over to her and held her gaze, "You called me McDreamy," he stated matter-of-factly.

"McDreamy, McAss, whatever" she said, blowing it off.

Derek apparently, wasn't going to just let her blow it off. "McAss I'm used to. Now, McDreamy? You haven't called me that… well… since…" Derek's seemingly confident and happy mood fell into a lull in the conversation.

"Since what?" Cristina asked harshly, both of them knowing exactly what he was talking about.

"Since… since ten years ago," Derek said, not letting the words pass through is lips.

"Since Meredith left?" Cristina supplied, the same harshness in her voice, "Yeah, well, just shut up and look at the scans, Derek," she said as she handed him the CT scans.

Derek held them up to the light and examined them closely, looking for anything alarming. When he was satisfied, he handed them back to her, "They looked fine. From what I've heard about the accident, she is pretty lucky."

"Yeah, lucky," Cristina said sarcastically.

Once again, Derek got the feeling that he was missing something. "Do you want me to swing by and do an exam just in case? CTs miss things sometimes," he said. There was obviously something with this case going on.

"Uh, no," Cristina answered quickly, "She's fine."

"She's fine?" Derek questioned.

"Of course. She's lucky," Cristina said, her eyes burning holes in his own, "Remember?"

"See you around, Dr. Yang," Derek said as he turned away, deciding that his co-workers were completely losing their minds.


	16. Chapter 16: Let Go

**Chapter 16: Let Go**

_"Derek- I can't, I'm sorry… I just can't," Meredith said softly as she buried her head into his chest. She felt his hands on her, his fingers running through her hair and his voice, whispering divine lies. It felt so right, it felt perfect and natural. But she knew it wasn't. It was nothing but wrong._

_"It's okay, Mer, it's alright," he continued, trying his best to soothe her. He could pretend that he didn't know what was eating away at her. He could act like he was innocent in all of this, but he knew he was culprit and she was his victim. _

_She pulled her wet face away from his damp shirt and her body out of his arms. It hurt her heart to be separated from him it all, but she knew it had to happen. She couldn't continue going this way. _

_She wiped her tears away with the back of her hand, moving away from his tender touch even more. "I can't do this Derek."_

_"Meredith," he pleaded. He tired to pull her into his arms again, but she resisted with a newfound strength against his charm. "Please, it's almost over. Please Meredith, you have to trust me."_

_She shook her head, her eyes closed to hold in the tears as she stood up. "I can't anymore, Derek. I can't."_

_"Meredith, I love you," he said, begging her with everything he had in him._

_She continued to shake her head as she stood up, stepping away from him, "Love isn't enough."_

_"It has to be," he pleaded again, standing up and following her across the room._

_"No," she answered quickly, "I'm begging you Derek, let me go. Just please, let me go."_

* * *

"Alright, Mrs. Douglas, you're CT scans seem to be fine. We had our neurologist look over them," Bailey said as she walked into the room.

Meredith's eyes opened as her heart rate calmed down from the authenticity of her dream, "What?"

"You're fine," Bailey repeated.

Meredith looked at her strangely, "Why are you calling me Mrs. Douglas?"

"That's your name, isn't it?" Bailey asked without looking up at Meredith. She grabbed the chart off the end of her bed and signed a few forms. "You can be discharged today. So can your daughter."

"Cassidy is fine?" Meredith asked.

"She's fine," Bailey repeated, feeling as though she'd told Meredith that about fifteen times.

"You guys are just going to let me go?" Meredith asked. It wasn't that she wanted to stay in the hospital because she really didn't, but she found it strange that they were letting her out so quickly.

Bailey didn't look at Meredith. She wouldn't let herself. "According to Dr. Yang, you are perfectly fine. You don't need any of us."

"Oh…"

"Is she wrong?" Bailey asked, her eyes almost reaching her former intern's bruised face.

"No," she answered quickly, "I am fine. I can go home."

Bailey sighed and gave in, "I'll get your discharge papers," she said before turning and leaving the room.

Meredith watched as the door closed behind Bailey. She let herself sink into the comfortable blankets wrapped around her as her eyes drifted around the room. She didn't know why that memory had went through her mind, but it made her think. She may have only been in Seattle for two days, but she hadn't seen Derek.

"I did not come here to see Derek," she said out loud. Maybe hearing the words instead of thinking them would do her more good.


	17. Chapter 17: Broken

**Chapter 17: Broken**

"Cristina? You have surgery in an hour. Why are you still in bed?" Burke asked as he walked into the bedroom he's shared with his wife for the past seven years.

She was lying in their bed, the blankets still wrapped around her and her head still comfortably placed on her pillow. She looked like she hadn't made any attempt to move since their alarm went off two hours ago.

He looked at her strangely before walking over to her and sitting down on the bed. "Cristina?"

Her eyes slowly looked up at him. They were devoid of any emotion other than pain. His hand grazed her face and rested against her arm, trying to comfort her in any way he could. "She's back," she said quietly.

"What?" Burke asked quietly, not fully understanding what was going on.

Her eyes fell back down to the bed, leaving his gaze. "My person. She's back, but I'm not her person anymore."

"Mommy!"

Burke turned around as their four-year-old daughter came running into the room and bounced onto the bed. She landed in-between her parents; completely oblivious to the situation she had just interrupted. "Mommy, I need apple juice and crackers today because today is my day to bring snacks and if I don't have snacks than Ashley will make fun of me because her Mommy always brings snacks. Her snacks are nasty though, so I want to bring my own snacks for the class so that no one will eat her snacks."

The little girl finished her rant and looked between her silent parents. Her father looked normal, but her mother looked anything but normal. "Mommy? Are you okay?"

"Corrine, why don't you go and pick out what cereal you want for breakfast so that Daddy can make it for you, okay?" Burke suggested, trying to remove Cristina from any uncomfortable situation.

"Okay, Daddy!" Corrine said before jumping up again and running out of the room.

"Meredith's back?" Burke finally asked. He never understood the relationship between Cristina and her person, especially since Meredith left, but he had always tried to respect the fact that they needed each other.

"Her husband is beating the crap out of her," she said bluntly. She was tired of holding it in. She hadn't known for very long, but she had refused to tell Izzie or Alex or anyone else for that matter. But now, she was just tired. "But she doesn't need me."

Burke sighed and stood up, "There's a little girl downstairs who needs you to be her Mommy," he said as he grabbed his keys, "And I'm sure that your person needs you too, whether she's willing to admit it or not. After all, she's just as stubborn as you are."

* * *

Derek watched as the vaguely familiar family walked into a patient's room and shut the door behind them. He wasn't exactly sure why he found them familiar, but it was something about them, especially the little girls.

He looked up from his PDA when Burke stopped in front of him. "Burke? Do you know what's going on with Cristina?"

Burke handed a few finished charts to the nurse for filing away before looking at Derek, "There's something going on with Cristina?"

"Her and Bailey. They've been acting strangely," Derek said.

Burke's face made a confused expression to deceive Derek of his actual knowledge before he answered, "I have no idea what you are talking about."

Derek nodded his head before turning down the hall, leaving Burke by the nurse's station. His eyes turned to the opening door across the hall. He watched as three little girls and a little boy came out, followed by their parents.

Even though Cristina had told him, it was different to actually see it. The little kids looked happy and perfectly fine. Meredith, on the hand, she looked weak and hesitant. The man whom he could only assume was her husband was gentle with her. He was supporting her weak body as she walked and holding on to her carefully. He looked like he actually cared.

To anyone who hadn't known Meredith before, that family was perfectly fine. To those who knew Meredith, there was something off. Her eyes were cast down, as if she was afraid that someone would notice that she existed. She wasn't strong or brave. He knew that was broken before she left Seattle, but it seemed that wherever she had gone, broke her so much more.


	18. Chapter 18: Pensive

**Chapter 18: Pensive**

Since Izzie and Alex got married and George and Callie moved away, Meredith had kept her mother's old house vacant. She could have sold it, but she had no desire to come to Seattle to sell the house. Up until now, she'd avoided Seattle and everything from it for ten years. She had made a point of it and everyone knew.

As time went by, she kind of forgot about the house. It wasn't until a few months ago that she found a use for it. She knew it would probably need some cleaning up or maybe even some work, but that hadn't bothered her. She saw it as an escape. Now that she was placing the last box in the living room from the truck that had arrived before them, she saw it completely different.

The place was pretty much the same. Dusty, but still the same. All of the old furniture was gone and the rooms were just filled with boxes. It actually brought memories back of the last time she had a 'first night' in this house.

"Mommy?"

But then reality brought her back.

"What do you need, honey?" Meredith asked as she turned around to see Hayley walking into the room.

"Are you going to read us a nighttime story?" she asked.

"Did Daddy finish putting your beds together?" Meredith asked.

The little girl nodded before Meredith walked over to her and picked her up. "Then let's go and get the rest of the bunch for a nighttime story, okay?" She nodded excitedly as Meredith carried her upstairs into the room she was going to begin sharing with her little sister Cassidy.

"Go pick out one of the books we had in your bag for on the plane," Meredith said as she placed her down on the ground.

Meredith crossed the room and sat down on the small bed. She looked around, remembering how the room was when it was Izzie's. It was strange to think that it used to belong to one of her best friends and now her daughters were sharing it.

"What about Rudolf?" Hayley asked as she sat on the bed.

"Christmas is over, sweetie," Meredith answered as she took the book that her daughter was holding out.

"So? We all love Christmas!" she exclaimed.

"Okay, Rudolf it is," Meredith answered, "But go and get everyone else first!"

Hayley jumped off the bed and hurried out of the room as Meredith scooted back on the bed so that she was leaning against the wall. She heard fast footsteps down the hall almost instantly and soon four kids all came into the room.

Madelyn and Hayley practically jumped on the bed, but Meredith helped Cassidy and Brayden up, placing them on either side of her. "Hayley wants to read Rudolf again, so that's going to our nighttime story, okay?"

"Again? It's not even December anymore," Madelyn said, apparently not pleased with the decision.

"Yeah!" Cassidy said in agreement as she looked up at her mother.

Meredith usually didn't like whining and usually tried to get them all to agree, but she didn't have the energy. She knew Madelyn hasn't really paid attention to the nighttime stories in years and that Cassidy was just copying her older sister anyways.

"I miss Chrissmas," Brayden said, interrupting the small amount of arguing that had erupted between the sisters.

Meredith lifted the small boy up with her good arm and held him close, "Now why is that?"

"Everyone's happy at Chrissmas."

Meredith tried her best to keep a smile on her face as she began to read the book without responding to her son. Cristina's words began to flood through her mind and she didn't like it at all. Her kids were fine. They were fine. They weren't going to end up like her. They had a mother that loved them. That's all that matters. That's what she'd told herself everyday for years and that was what she was going to continue to tell herself. After all, if Cristina Yang cared so much, she would have done something about it.

* * *

By the time the story was over, all of the kids were asleep on Hayley's bed. Meredith would have carried them all to their own beds, but her broken arm made that impossible. Instead she gently woke them up and carefully led them into their own beds, one by one.

After tucking Brayden and Cassidy in, she woke up Madelyn and led her to her room. Madelyn had George's old room, which had even more memories for Meredith than Izzie's did. This was the room that Izzie and Meredith always found themselves in when things became too much. George helped them get through it. He always did.

Madelyn climbed into her bed and snuggled up to the comforter that Trevor had laid down on it a few hours before. Meredith bent down to pull the comforter up tightly before she ran her hand across Madelyn's forehead, brushing her hair to the side. She gently leaned down and kissed her daughter on the forehead, "Sweet dreams, Angel," she whispered like she did every other night before she flipped the light switch off.

"Mom?"

"Yes?" Meredith asked turning back around.

The girl moved a little in her bed before looking up at her mother, "Is Seattle going to be like you said it would be?"

"What do you mean, honey?" Meredith asked, stepping back over to her daughter's bed.

"You said that Seattle would be better. You said that everything would be okay and there would be no more yelling," she said quietly.

Meredith gently ran her hand across her daughter's forehead again, willing her tears to go away. She leaned down to kiss her daughter goodnight one more time before she walked back to the door. "I hope so," she finally answered.

Her pensive daughter held her gaze for a little while longer before Meredith finally pulled the door shut behind her. She leaned against the closed door, once again finding herself pushing away Cristina and Bailey's words.

She looked around and noticed that all but one of the doors in the hallway was closed. The last one was the room she had purposely avoided, but she knew she would have to confront it eventually.

She pushed herself off the door and slowly made her socked feet cross the wooden floor. When she walked into the room, the pain she expected to feel was absent. She had prepared herself for a hard blow, but nothing changed as she walked into the room that had been hers ten years ago and once again was the place she'd be laying her head at night.

Currently, there was only a bed set up. It had blankets and pillows on it while the rest of the room was filled with boxes that read 'master bedroom' in black sharpie. Other than the four tan walls and the wood floor, the room didn't really resemble the room she used to live in.

"Meredith?"

Meredith looked up at the voice that disrupted her thoughts. He walked passed her and over to the bed, "The kids asleep?"

"Uh… yeah," Meredith said slowly, realizing that this was the first time she'd been alone with her husband since they'd arrived in Seattle.

"Even Brayden?" he asked, pulling his shoes off.

"Yes," she answered carefully, cautious of her movements.

"That's surprising," he continued as he pulled off his jeans and grabbed a pair of sweatpants from the open suitcase in one of the room's corners, "He usually doesn't like new places."

"I guess that's a good sign," Meredith answered, slowly slipping back into the game she's become used to playing with him.

He pulled out her favorite sweatshirt and tossed it over to her before taking his watch off and placing it on a box that he'd turned into a temporary nightstand. "Cassidy complaining of any pain?"

"No, she seems fine," Meredith answered as she ran her fingers over the sweatshirt. She was always cold at night. She always had to have a sweatshirt on in the winters. Trevor knew that.

"Good. I hate to see her in pain," Trevor said as he turned off the lights.

Meredith sat down on the bed, muttering some type of understanding to him as he shuffled back towards the bed. He pulled down the blankets and laid down while she remained still. "Thinking?"

"What?" Meredith asked, turning around to see him.

"You going to lie down? Tomorrow is going to be busy," he said.

Meredith nodded as she pulled the sweatshirt over her head. She pulled down the blankets on her side before climbing under them. Once she got settled, silence filled the house. Moments passed before she finally closed her eyes. She felt the bed move as Trevor shifted. She tensed when she first felt his touch, but relaxed when he loosely wrapped his arms around her before he drifted off to sleep. These were the things that confused her about Trevor. Sometimes he was the man that she fell in love with. But sometimes, sometimes he just wasn't.


	19. Chapter 19: Just Fine

**Chapter 19: Just Fine**

"Okay! Who wants to watch a movie?" Meredith called out as she walked into the living room with a bowl of popcorn in her hands.

There was a chorus of "Me!" ringing through the house as all of her children found their way into the living room. The stampede threw themselves on the familiar extra-stuffed couch that Trevor had set up earlier that day.

"How about Finding Nemo?" Meredith suggested, knowing her kids well. She began the DVD and placed the popcorn down on the coffee table in front of her kids before finding her way back into the kitchen and collapsing at the table.

Meredith had moved before. In fact, she had moved many times in her life. She should be used to the boxes and massive amounts of unpacking. She thought it was going to be easy. Apparently she hadn't accounted for the four energy-filled kids and the broken arm she now has.

Trevor left after setting up a few more rooms to get some things and for a meeting for the job they're hoping he gets. She was now wishing that he were back to wrestle and tire out the kids like he usually does.

Instead, she's found herself searching for ways to entertain them and keep her energy up.

"Mom!"

Meredith sighed as she stood up and walked out of the kitchen, finding her way into the living room. "What?"

"Some car just pulled up in our driveway," Madelyn said as she pointed out the window.

Meredith looked out the window at the car that had been placed in park. The headlights had been turned off, but no one got out of the car. She recognized that car from somewhere. She didn't know how she knew the car, but she did. "Just… just watch the movie," Meredith said as she left the living room and made her way to the front door.

She stood in front of the door waiting. A few minutes passed until she finally heard a car door open and slam shut. She continued to wait until she heard steps leading up to the door. Then the noises stopped.

She could hear her kids talking and probably making a huge mess throwing popcorn at each other, but none of that registered. She was staring at the door and she was almost certain of who was on the other side. If she was right, then she knew that they would probably end up staring at opposite sides of the door for the next hour if she didn't do something.

She finally took a deep breath and opened the door. Facial expressions were completely dull between them and another few moments passed before any words were said.

"You came," Meredith finally decided to say.

"Your really fine?" 

Meredith took another deep breath and nodded, "I'm fine."

"Okay."

"Okay," Meredith answered as Cristina walked into her house.

* * *

"So, you're living in this house again?" Cristina asked as Meredith handed her a cup of steaming coffee.

"Yeah," Meredith answered as she poured herself her own cup and then joined Cristina at the kitchen table, "For the time being."

"You guys set things up quickly," Cristina said as she looked around the room, taking in the differences from the last time she'd sat in the kitchen.

Meredith nodded, noticing Cristina's wondering eyes. "Well, it's just better that way for the kids. They can adjust better with familiar things around them. And when Trevor starts something, he doesn't stop until it's finished."

Cristina's expression changed at the mention of Meredith's husband. She had to admit, she wasn't used to talking to people who didn't adore her husband. Trevor Douglas was looked up to back in D.C. He was successful and had made it very high in the business he worked for. He was good looking, had a beautiful wife, and was blessed with wonderful children. Most people looked up to him and Meredith had come accustomed to speaking highly of him. He had never demanded it of her, it just kind of happened that way.

People expected it as well. She played the part of the devoted wife very well and never fell out of character. The people who knew her best in D.C. never saw past it. She'd contemplated the possibility that they really didn't know her, but only knew the fake person she portrayed. Although the possibility was ridiculously great, she had never allowed herself to admit to that possibility. It would only add to another reason that leaving Seattle was the greatest mistake she'd ever made and that, _that_ was something she would never come to admit.

"So, what brings you back to Seattle?" Cristina asked, finally ending the silence the Meredith-way: avoiding the subject.

"Mommy!! Brayden pulled my hair!"

"I didn't! Mommy!! Cassie is a big fat liar!"

Meredith laughed slightly at the screaming from the other room before placing her coffee cup down on the smooth wood, "I need to go referee this and get them up to bed. It shouldn't take me too long. We can talk after?"

"Sure," Cristina answered.

Meredith pushed the door opened and walked into her living room, "What is going on in here?" she asked in a slight authoritative voice as she surveyed the room.

The throw pillows had been tossed in every direction and the popcorn bowl was overturned in the middle of the floor, the buttery treat discarded randomly throughout the room. Madelyn was sitting on the recliner watching the movie; completely oblivious to the chaotic mess around her while the rest of the kids came running over to Meredith.

"Brayden pulled my hair!" Cassidy complained, her bottom lip sticking out as she looked up sadly at her mother.

"I didn't, Mommy!" the little boy countered, portraying his own pathetic expressions, "Cassie is a liar! I not lying. I'm a good boy, Mommy!"

"They're both lying!" Hayley jumped in, "Brayden hit me and Cassie knocked over the popcorn!"

"I did not!" Cassidy said quickly, forgetting the act she'd been putting on for her mother.

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"All right! That's it!" Meredith said, ending it as she pulled the two girls away from each other. "All of you need to get upstairs and brush your teeth."

"But Mommy! The movies not over!" Hayley whined.

"Well, you can watch it tomorrow," Meredith said as she picked up her son and led her two little girls up the stairs.

At the top of the steps she placed Brayden down and looked at the three of them, "Okay, you guys need to brush your teeth and get to bed. When I'm finished cleaning up your mess, I'll come back up here to tuck you guys in. You all better be in your bed with your eyes shut. No messing around," she said with seriousness in her voice.

They all mumbled affirmatives before she went back downstairs and saw Madelyn already picking up, "Honey, you don't have to clean up after them. It's not your fault they made a mess. I should have been watching them."

"You have someone over," Madelyn pointed out, "I can help."

"Why don't you go get ready for bed as well?" Meredith suggested, "You can watch a little more television down here once you've brushed your teeth and changed, okay?"

"Okay, Mommy," Madelyn said before hurrying up the stairs.

Meredith sighed before sitting down on the ground to begin picking up the little pieces of popcorn all over the place.

"You gave up scalpels for this?"

Meredith looked up and saw Cristina, "I did not give up scalpels," she answered, "I would never give up surgery."

"So, you still are a surgeon?" Cristina asked as she walked over to the couch. She looked at the popcorn crumbs and then at Meredith before brushing them off and sitting down.

"I'm still a surgeon," Meredith answered as she placed the popcorn bowl back down, "I didn't completely change."

"Good."

A small silence formed again and Meredith got up to join Cristina on the couch, "We don't have to do the thing… you know, make up for loss time?"

"We don't," Cristina acknowledged.

"Nope," Meredith answered, "We could just ignore the ten years that have passed and be friends again."

"Okay," Cristina said, standing up. "I'll see you around?"

"Yeah," Meredith answered.

"Good," Cristina said before leaving the living room and finding her way to the front door.

Meredith sat back in the couch and looked around the room. She still couldn't believe that she was back in Seattle. She was back in Seattle and she had Cristina as her person again. Maybe things were going to turn out just fine.


	20. Chapter 20: Again

**Chapter 20: Again**

"Mommy? Can we get Cap'n Crunch?" Hayley asked as she looked up at her mother, her bottom lip sticking out just perfectly.

"No, honey," Meredith said as she removed the box from her daughter's tight grip and placed it back on the store's shelf. "It's not good for you." Meredith instead grabbed a few boxes of Cheerios and continued down the aisle with her kids by her side.

"But it tastes good!" Hayley continued.

"I know," Meredith said, looking up as Cassidy hit Brayden for some unknown reason, "No fighting," Meredith said sharply, making both of the stop immediately. "I know it tastes good," she continued as she refocused on Hayley, "But it's not good for you and breakfast is the most important meal of the day."

"How come you don't eat breakfast?" Hayley continued. She'd always been filled with a million questions and never too afraid to ask a single one.

"I eat breakfast," Meredith said quietly as she noticed Brayden grab something off the shelf, "Hey, put that back," Meredith said quickly as she grabbed a few things that they actually needed.

She loved her kids. She absolutely loved them to death and she couldn't imagine her life without them, but they were extremely tiring. Trevor had been transferred in his company to a location in Seattle and he was extremely busy with meetings and trying to get settled in, so Meredith was practically stuck with all four of them all day for about a week now. Not to mention the fact that her arm is broken and she's still a little weak from the car accident.

She loved her kids, but she was counting down the days till she got her cast off. It was a minor break so it shouldn't be on too much longer. And that presented something else that made her smile; the second she got her cast off would be the second that she returned as a neurosurgeon at Seattle Grace Hospital.

* * *

"Mommy! When is Daddy going to be home?" Cassidy asked as Meredith pushed the cart towards the check out lines.

Meredith sighed, "Later tonight, honey. Probably after you go to bed. You can see him tomorrow morning."

"But that's what you said yesterday," she said sadly, "And he was gone when I woke up this morning."

Normally Meredith didn't condone whining, but she felt bad for her kids. No matter what happened between her and Trevor, he loved his kids and he was a great father. They were close to him and she knew what it was like to lose a father that you were once close to. "I know, Cassidy," Meredith said gently, "Once Daddy gets settled into his new job, he'll be home a lot more. Just like he was before, okay?"

"Okay," Cassidy said, finding the solution satisfying.

"Hello," the cashier said politely to Meredith as she began to unload her large amount of groceries onto the conveyor belt.

"Hey," Meredith answered nicely.

Meredith began to load things back into her cart after the cashier checked them and Meredith refereed her kids. She decided right then and there that they were going to be early solely so she could go to bed early.

"Hey, Doc," the cashier said, looking up at someone else.

Meredith grabbed her last bag and looked up at the cashier with her cash in hand. She handed it to the young lady as she heard a voice, "Hey Jenny, how have you been?"

Meredith's muscles froze and suddenly her hyper kids didn't seem so consuming anymore. She kept her eyes locked ahead of her, afraid of what would happen if she looked anywhere else. She needed to get out of this situation, but she had no idea how.

"I've been great. My Mother has been feeling wonderful as well," Jenny, the cashier continued.

"I'm glad. She's strong, she pulled through a very risky surgery."

"Here's your receipt and your change is $2.20," Jenny said as she handed the white paper and money to Meredith.

"Thank you," Meredith said quietly, dropping it into her purse. She was afraid that if she took the time to put it in her wallet, she might collapse right then and there.

"Mommy!" Brayden said loudly, but Meredith didn't respond. "Mommy! Mommy! MOMMY!"

Meredith grabbed his hand and began to push her cart towards the front of the store, not responding to any of his screaming.

"MEREDITH!"

"Brayden, please be quiet," she pleaded, her son not understanding the desperation in her voice. "Please don't call Mommy that, okay?"

He nodded as she placed him in the cart and began pushing it towards the door again, feeling as though the world was caving in her on her. The store was small and Brayden was loud. She knew that everyone had heard him scream her name. She knew it and it scared her to death.

"Meredith?"

Her muscles fought against her to freeze, but she continued to move. She didn't look back. She couldn't and she didn't want to. She knew that voice too well and she couldn't handle looking into those blue eyes right now. She was too tired and too stressed. Life was too much right now and she didn't deserve this.

As the automatic doors opened, she pushed the cart out in the parking lot, Madelyn holding Cassidy and Hayley's hands and keeping them at her side. "Mom? Who is that?" Madelyn asked, looking back at the guy that her mother was running away from.

"Madelyn, let's just go," Meredith instructed, feeling her own body shake. She hated this. She hated what she turned into when she was nervous and scared.

"But, Mom, I know who that is," Madelyn said.

Meredith froze the second those words passed through her daughter's lips, "Excuse me?" she questioned immediately.

"I saw him at the hospital," Madelyn answered.

Meredith shook her head, "That doesn't mean you know him," she began pushing the cart again, but felt his fingertips on her arm before she even heard him whisper her name.

Her eyes shot down to his fingers, having forgotten the way it felt for him to touch her. She'd spent so many nights wishing to feel his touch, but it felt foreign now.

"Meredith?"

Her children were silent. They had seen Meredith like this before and they knew it was bad. The scared look in her eye meant something was going to happen.

"Meredith?" Derek asked again, this time releasing her from his grasp.

Her body felt cold the second his fingers left her and she almost felt herself longing for his touch once again. Her eyes gently took him in, looking from his strong hands to his muscled arms and chest, until she finally landed her eyes on his face. It seemed surreal and impossible, but it was happening. He was standing right in front of her.

"I… I have to go," she stumbled over her own words before turning away from Derek and leading her kids to her nearby car.

"Meredith," Derek called again, following her. He couldn't believe he was seeing her. Thousands of questions were roaming around her mind, threatening to fall out of his lips, but none of that mattered right now. He just wanted to see her, to look at her. He wanted to take her in and pretend that those ten years never existed.

Meredith stopped when she found her car and immediately unlocked it. She opened the side door of the SUV and allowed her kids to jump in. That's the first time Derek even noticed that she wasn't alone. His eyes and mind had been focused on her so much; he hadn't noticed much of anything since he saw her.

He stopped next to her car, watching as she gently helped her kids in to their respective seats and helped them place their seatbelts on. He saw her lips moving, but he couldn't hear a word she was saying.

His eyes finally moved to the children, seeing how much they reflected Meredith straight back at him. He recognized the older one, but he couldn't figure out where he'd seen her before. She was the spitting image of Meredith.

The door was finally shut and Meredith moved to open her truck, not acknowledging Derek in anyway. She began to load the car when Derek noticed the cast on her arm.

"Meredith, you shouldn't be doing that with a broken arm," Derek said, breaking the silence of the cold evening. He stepped over to her and pulled the bag out of hands before placing it in the truck.

"I don't need any help," she said quietly, but didn't stop Derek when he continued to unload her cart into her trunk. "I can do it myself," she continued to mumble, her actions defying her words, "I don't need you."

Derek stopped when she whispered those last four words. He looked up at her, allowing them to meet eyes for the first time in ten years. The last time he'd seen her; tears had been running down her face and today, she didn't look any better.

Lines filled with apology, pleads, and desire rippled through his mind, but he didn't say a single one. He was frozen and he didn't know what emotions to feel. His heart was drowning in pain, but guilt was clouding his mind. This was his fault.

"I need to get them home," Meredith said quickly. She placed the last bag in the trunk and closed it without ever looking up at Derek. She couldn't look up at him because she was scared to death of what would happen if she did.

She knew she looked different, she knew she looked bad. She also knew that if anyone would see straight through her, it would be Derek and she couldn't give him that chance.

"You live here now?" Derek asked, almost hitting himself afterwards. He knew he could have come up with something better than that. After all of the time, emotions, and confusion there were millions of better questions he could have asked, but that's all he did.

Meredith was surprised by his question. She'd thought he'd shoot a million questions about where she'd gone, what she'd been doing, and how in the world did she have four kids, but he didn't. She wasn't exactly sure how she felt about it either. "Yeah, I live here now," she said quietly.

They were standing only a few feet away, closer than they had been in ten years, but for some reason, it didn't seem close enough. Derek was looking at her face, searching for answers to his unasked questions, but her eyes still avoided his.

"That… uh, okay," Derek responded, mentally kicking himself. He had always been so comfortable around Meredith; her smile had always lifted his spirits. But today, he felt nervous and scared, and she wasn't smiling either.

Meredith was confused by his response. Stuttering was not something that she'd seen Derek Shepherd do many times. "Okay," she echoed.

"What happened?" Derek asked, gesturing to her cast.

Meredith was caught off guard at first, thinking he'd been referring to her departure ten years ago and everything that had happened in between, but she relaxed when she noticed his gesture. "Car accident," she answered carefully, slowly looking up to him.

"Is it serious?" Derek asked. He suddenly felt the urge to comfort her and make sure she was all right. He hadn't felt that for someone in a long time.

"No," she answered quickly, "It should be taken off in a few weeks, that way I can get back to work."

"That's good."

Meredith nodded for a moment, before finally locking eyes with him. It was almost overwhelming how blue they were. She felt herself drinking into them like she had so many times before, but she stopped herself. She pulled her eyes away, feeling like she was driving the dagger just a little farther into each of them.

"I have to go," she said as she turned to her car, "I'll see you around."

"See ya," Derek echoed as she quickly got into her SUV and began to reverse it out of the parking spot.

Derek just watched, not moving from his place. There were still a million questions running through his mind, but the biggest one was if he was ever actually going to see her again.


	21. Chapter 21: Finding Out

**If you guys think bcack to Chapter 16, Meredith has a flashback about her and Derek. The one that begins this chapter is a continuation of that one!**

**Hope you enjoy and thank you for reading!**

* * *

**Chapter 21: Finding Out**

_"Meredith, I love you," he said, begging her with everything he had in him._

_She continued to shake her head as she stood up, stepping away from him, "Love isn't enough."_

_"It has to be," he pleaded again, standing up and following her across the room._

_"No," she answered quickly, "I'm begging you Derek, let me go. Just please, let me go."_

_"Meredith, I can't," Derek said, pulling her close to him, "I can't. I tried. I tried for Addison, I tried for you. I can't. I can't let you go."_

_Meredith dropped her head into his chest, taking in his scent to hold it close as a memory. Derek's tense muscles relaxed slightly, thinking that this whole thing was over and Meredith was okay. She let him hold her, taking in the feel of his touch. She was committing everything to memory._

_Minutes passed before either of them moved, almost afraid of their glass relationship shattering if they did. When the time came, Meredith removed Derek's arms from her own without saying a word. She kept her eyes away from his, revealing to Derek that nothing was okay. _

_She took a step back, holding her hand out when he moved to follow her. She closed her eyes and mustered up any strength that she could find in her vacant soul. She let out a deep breath, one she'd been holding since she last felt Derek's touch. _

_She slowly looked up at Derek, his eyes full of concern and confusion. "Yes, you can," she said slowly, "You can let go. You just haven't tried." Her voice was steady and void of emotion._

_"Meredith," Derek pleaded, only fearing what was coming next._

_"No," she said as he took a step close to her, making her take another closer to the door. "If… if I'm not here, you'll be fine. You can let me go. You can stay with Addison."_

_"Mere-"_

_"Stop," she ordered, her voice rising slightly. "If you have ever loved me, Derek Shepherd, you will do this for me."_

_His face fell as he felt her glare on him. He couldn't believe the words coming out of her mouth. He couldn't. He didn't want to. He'd spent so much time thinking about him, not about her. It was always him. He had to make a decision right now to do something for Meredith. He had to do what she wanted._

_"You will let me go," she continued, her voice beginning to shake as she took another step backwards, "If you love me, you'll let me go."_

_"Meredith," he said quietly, pleading for her one more time._

_"This is tearing me apart," she said, finally breaking the strong exterior she'd summoned moments ago. Tears began to stream down her cheeks and Derek longed to pull her into his arms and kiss them away, but something willed him to stay where he was. "I can't do this anymore. It's killing me."_

_"Please-"_

_"Derek," she pleaded, her body beginning to tremble, "Please don't make this any harder than it already is. I'm going to go and when you come after me, I won't be there."_

_She took two steps back, causing Derek to take three forward, closing in on her. She wrapped her hand on the doorknob behind her back, preparing herself to do the one thing she'd been planning on for weeks. She had to do this. No matter what Derek said or did, she had made a promise to herself. She had to keep it._

_"Meredith, you can't do this," Derek said, finally getting his statement out without being cut off by Meredith, "You can't do this to me, to you, to us."_

_Meredith shook her head, letting it fall down as her hair followed. She let out a bitter and sarcastic laugh that mixed with her tears, surprising Derek. "That's just it, Derek," she said as her eyes found Derek's again, "There hasn't been an 'us' in a long time and there isn't going to be an 'us' ever again. I can't. I need to leave."_

_"But-"_

_"No," Meredith said, "You have to do this for me."_

_Derek sighed, remembering the vow he'd made only moments before. He needs to do what Meredith wants. He needs to make her happy. That's what he's supposed to do._

_"Bye Derek," Meredith whispered before opening the door and hurrying out._

_The second Derek realized what was happening, he pulled open the door and looked down both sides of the hallway. It was completely empty. He shouldn't have been surprised. It was almost two in the morning. Everyone else in Seattle was asleep. He was the only one with a broken heart.

* * *

_

"Chief," Derek said, the second he saw his boss step onto an elevator. Richard held the door as Derek hurried down the hallway to join him. "You're not usually here this early," Derek said as he looked at his watch.

"You're not usually looking for me this early," Richard said.

Derek sighed, "I know, but I need to talk to you about something. Something personal," he explained as the doors opened.

Richard stepped out and Derek followed him, "Is it something I can handle at three in the morning?" Richard asked as they walked down the hall towards his office.

"I believe so," Derek said, completely unsure of himself.

Richard noticing his uncertainty and decided to remain silent until they reached his office, figuring that Derek may need his privacy on whatever they were about to discuss.

When they did reach his office, Richard placed his briefcase down and took off his jacket before sitting behind his desk. He watched as Derek made his way to the seat in front of his desk, looking as though his mind was completely elsewhere.

There was a knock on the door before it opened, making both Richard and Derek look in that direction. Tyler, one of the nurses walked in with a chart in his hand. When he noticed Derek and Richard he immediately stepped back, "I'm sorry, Dr. Yang just waned you to look at this patient's chart immediately."

Richard looked towards Derek who nodded, "Go ahead, I can wait," Derek said as he sat back into the chair, trying to get comfortable, despite his increasing exhaustion from his sleepless nights.

"Bring it here," Richard said as Tyler stepped into the room and placed the gray chart on his desk. The Chief flipped it open and began to thumb his way through the papers. He stopped and looked up at Tyler, "This patient has been discharged."

"I know, but she insisted," Tyler explained innocently, "She told me to tell you to look at the name."

"Douglas," Richard said, not understanding, "Meredith Douglas, age 38, married."

"Yes," Tyler nodded.

"What did you just say?" Derek said, suddenly sitting up, much more aware than he had been only moments ago.

"I said Mere-" the Chief cut himself off before turned around to a filing cabinet behind his desk. He pulled out a folder he'd been through only a few days before and placed it on his desk.

Derek looked at the name on the tab, 'Meredith Grey.' The Chief began to look through a few papers as Derek quickly grabbed the chart off of his desk. He opened it and began to rapidly go through everything in the chart.

"Derek, what are you doing?" the Chief scolded, knowing full well what he was doing.

"Douglas," Derek repeated, "Mrs. Douglas. Victim of a car crash," he continued, his voice becoming quieter with every word he spoke, "Under the care of Dr. Miranda Bailey and Dr. Cristina Yang. Broken arm, severe head trauma."

Derek stopped and began flipping through a few more things in the chart before violently dropping the chart down on the Chief's desk, "It was her. She was right there the entire time. She was right there and they knew it. They both knew it and they stopped me. They stopped me from seeing her."

"Derek, what are you talking about?" the Chief asked.

"Miranda and Yang, they kept me away from her," Derek said, laughing at how ridiculous it was, "I saw her scans. Yang brought me her scans, but wouldn't let me see her. They wouldn't let me near that room. I should have known. I should have gone in there."

"Derek-"

"Why do you have her file?" Derek questioned, his eyes falling down on the folder in front of the Chief, "She left here ten years ago. Her file should be lost in some filling room in the basement, not in the front of your filing cabinet."

Richard sighed, "I was going to talk to you about this when I told the rest of the Heads."

"Tell me what?" Derek questioned harshly, not even taking notice to Tyler quietly slipping out of the room.

"She's transferring back," Richard said.

Derek picked up the folder and examined the papers carefully. He honestly couldn't believe it. It didn't matter that he had seen her and talked to her yesterday. He was still trying to convince himself that that wasn't just a realistic dream. "She's here. Meredith is here and you didn't bother telling me?"

"Derek, I didn't think-"

"What?" Derek asked, completely ignoring the Chief's authority as his voice raised, "That I shouldn't know? That I didn't deserve to know?"

"No," the Chief said loudly as he stood up, "I was thinking that she asked me specifically to not speak a word of this to you until the day before she started."

Derek dropped the folder and picked up the chart again. He looked through everything again, mumbling things to himself as he read them. He placed the folder down and shook his head, "I can't believe this."

"What?" Richard asked, picking up the chart to see what Derek was talking about. When he looked back up, Derek was gone.

* * *

Cristina Yang was not a morning person. She was a surgeon, but still a surgery at 5am was not something she wanted to do. Why? Because she was not a morning person. She didn't like people making loud noises, making any noise at all. She didn't like people looking at her. She didn't like people existing most times of the day, much less at 5am.

"Dr. Yang."

"Shut up," Cristina snapped, not even looking up from the computer to see who had barged into the room. She knew the voice well enough. "You know the rules. No talking, looking, or existing until seven. Go."

Derek looked at her strangely for a moment, "I'm your boss."

"I sleep with my boss every night. You, _you_ are not my boss," she countered, still not looking up at him. "Do I need to remind you of the rules?"

Derek rolled his eyes and pulled a coffee cup out from behind his back. He placed it on the desk next to her before taking a sip of his own. Her rapid typing stopped for a moment, as she smelt the fresh coffee, leading her eyes to the cup sitting in front of her.

She took the coffee and drank some before finally sitting back in the chair and looking up at Derek, "Okay, you paid your dues, what do you want?"

He looked down the empty hallway before shutting the door and stepping farther into the room, "You didn't tell me," he said sharply.

"What are you talking about?" she asked, thoroughly annoyed.

"Meredith. I'm talking about Meredith. Meredith Grey. As in my Meredith," Derek continued, "The Meredith that was in this hospital. That was supposed to be my patient."

"Why the hell would I let you see her?" Cristina asked, completely unfazed by Derek's anger.

"Do I need to remind you of the last ten years of my life?" Derek asked harshly.

Cristina's chair turned towards him, "Excuse me?" she asked, her voice coated with pissed off attitude.

Derek shut the door behind him as he stepped into the room, "I spent nine years moping around this fucking hospital because she left. She left and when she comes back, you not only do not have the decency to tell me, you hide it from me. What the hell is that? You hid her from me!"

"Don't you dare yell at me," Cristina said as she stood up, "I watched you tear her to pieces repeatedly and you think that I would tell you that she's here?"

"No, but I would think you would tell me if she has fucking unexplainable bruises all over he body! What the hell does that mean anyways? Unexplainable? You're a fucking doctor! It's your job to explain them!" Derek yelled, not caring who in the world was hearing him.

"I know what my job is," Cristina said, not feeling like yelling at her boss right now. Even if she didn't want to admit to it, she did know that he held power over her.

"No, you don't," Derek said, his voice calming, "A friend doesn't just watch when someone is getting hurt and just let it happen. If she gets hurt again, it's going to be your fault," Derek finished, turned around, and walked out.

* * *

Derek drove through Seattle, not even really knowing where he was going. He was just trying to tell himself that there were in fact many explanations for 'unexplainable' bruises. They just must not have looked hard enough or asked enough questions. They missed something. Something that was minor, not serious. Meredith wouldn't let something serious happen and not fight back. She was too strong for that.

His car went in one direction automatically. His brain wasn't even processing enough information for him to have told it to go anywhere else. It was a house he drove by often. Not because it was on his way to work, because it wasn't. It was just his only connection to Meredith over these past ten years.

No one had lived in it for years and he almost liked it that way. It would have killed him to see a 'for sale' sign on that house. It would cut off his last tie with Meredith. Actually, when he thought about it, he probably would have bought it and then never went in it. He had become that desperate over the past years.

When he finally reached his destinations, his heart almost fell when he saw a car parked in the driveway and lights on. It had never been up for sale. He drove by it too often for him to have missed that. That led him to one conclusion: Meredith lived there.

His luck had never worked that way in his life. It was quite obvious that usually his luck betrayed him. If he had luck, Addison would not have showed up when he was with Meredith. Actually, Addison would have never showed up at all. Meredith would not have left him. But today, today it seemed like he had luck, and that small possibility gave him the strength to pull up to the house and park his car.

As he walked up to the house, he felt like he was traveling down memory land at warp speed. When he finally reached the door, his heart had felt every emotion in the books and he was emotionally drained, but he couldn't just walk away. Instead, he pushed the doorbell and took a step back.

He could hear the television on in the living room and the squeals of little kids. As a few moments passed, he could hear Meredith's frustrated voice ordering something and it brought a smile to his face to hear her voice at all. When the door finally started to open, he was overflowing with anticipation, scared to death.

She stopped the second she saw his figure and hesitated before opening the door wide enough to see him completely. She wore the same scared and nervous expression she had when he saw her last and he felt his voice cracking before he ever spoke, "Hi."

"Hi," Meredith echoed awkwardly.

Derek shifted uncomfortably on his feet before saying anything else, "Could I… could we, um, talk?"

Meredith looked at him for a moment before looking down at her watch. A panicked expression spread across her face as she looked up at the street, "Actually, umm, right now is-"

"Please, Meredith," Derek pleaded, trying his best to get her to agree.

"Right now is not a good time," Meredith said strongly, "I just… I can't. Not right now."

"Meredith-"

"Derek, you should leave," she said, her face slowly draining of her color as she began to wring her hands nervously. "You have to leave," she continued.

"Meredith-"

"No!" she snapped, closing her eyes the second she did. "Look, I'm sorry about this, I just, you have to leave."

He was watching her fall apart right before his eyes and he forced himself to deny that it was actually happening. Something was on her mind and it was not him.

"Please, Derek, please just go," she pleaded.

The remembrance of the last time he'd seen her struck through his mind at her words, feeling almost like déjà vu. She noticed the pained look cross his face and she regreatted her words immediately, "Derek, I'll talk to you when I start working okay? Right now, here, it's just… you can't be here. Okay? You can't be here," she said before slamming the door.

She fell against the closed door and slid down it, her head falling into her hands as she began to cry. Part of her knew why she was crying, but another part of her refused to admit to any of it. She just kept crying, deciding it didn't even matter why she was crying. She just let it out.

"Mom? Are you all right?"

Meredith looked up and saw her ten-year-old daughter. Her daughter who seemed to hold Meredith together more than Meredith held her together. She was strong and tough, everything Meredith wasn't.

Madelyn waited a few seconds for a response from her Mother's tear-stricken face, but when she didn't get anything, she just walked over to her mother and pulled her into a deep hug. At her daughter's touch, Meredith fell into pieces all over again. She continued to cry as her daughter held onto her, reminding them both of so many restless nights back in D.C.


	22. Chapter 22: Expectations

**Chapter 22: Expectations**

_Meredith opened her locker and swallowed the secret she'd been holding back for weeks. No one knew. No one and now she had to go do something she'd been avoiding completely._

_She pulled out her clothes and slowly changed into them before she noticed her cell phone vibrating. She flipped it open and saw a text message, "Meet me at 9." She sighed, she was going to anyways, but it made it harder to know that he was expecting the exact opposite of what she was going to give him._

_She shut her locker as her friends began to make their way out of her the locker room, completely oblivious to her broken expression. Maybe they were oblivious; maybe they just kind of expected it at this point. She had looked that way for longer than any of them cared to acknowledge._

_As she headed down the hallway, she barely caught the closing elevator doors and immediately wished she hadn't when she noticed who else was with her. Satan. Meredith remembered when they first began calling her Satan, and how now, it wasn't all that true. She was innocent now. She was the victim. Meredith was the one who didn't belong and she just beginning to admit it.

* * *

_

Three weeks passed without a word from Derek or Cristina and three more weeks of peace passed in the Douglas household. She wasn't sure if she'd just been lucky or if Trevor was too busy at work to care about her actions, but either way, it worked for her. She was glad she had time to recover fully before she had to start working at Seattle Grace because she knew that it would be in no way easy.

Passing through the familiar automatic doors was a strange experience for her. She had not expected to walk through these doors with a wedding band on her finger still. Her plans just didn't seem to work out for her, not much of anything did.

She gripped her purse strap tightly as she stepped on to the elevator, almost scared that memories would attack her, but they didn't. She didn't recognize a single face on the elevator or in the hallways. Somehow, she'd expected the building to supply her with some resemblance of her past life, but all it did was remind her that she no longer belonged.

* * *

She'd been through most of the paper work, got her picture taken, and been given her new office by the time the Chief had found her. He told her that he'd called a meeting for the surgical floor in order to introduce her.

When she planned on coming to Seattle, she wasn't expecting to be introduced. It wasn't that she planned on waltzing in and acting as though ten years didn't happen, but she wasn't planning on having to be introduced as an outsider.

"We are extremely happy to have you back, Meredith," Richard said before turning and leaving her in her empty office.

That was the only time anyone had acknowledged that she had ever stepped foot in Seattle Grace before. Not even Nurse Debbie recognized her. For some reason, Bailey had been extremely scarce today and so had Cristina. Meredith wasn't sure whether she should be thankful or not.

She looked around her office, pleased with its size and furniture. It looked plain right now, but soon she'd hang up her diplomas, add files and what not to make it home.

She sat down in the comfortable chair and slowly traced the wooden desk with the tips of her fingers. It was strange. She had had such great expectations of the way she'd feel when she got to Seattle. Expectations of how it would be to step inside of Seattle Grace with deep blue scrubs on.

Her thoughts were interrupted when her cell phone went off, sending her to the other side of the room to dig through her purse. "Hello?"

"Meredith, what time are you getting home?"

Meredith though for a moment, "Uh, I don't know, Trevor. It's my first day. I can't just leave whenever I want."

"How are the kids getting home from school today?"

"They're going to the sitters," Meredith explained.

"And then what?" Trevor questioned harshly, "You just expect me to leave my meetings to pick them up and feed them dinner?"

"Trevor-"

"See, this is why we didn't need to leave D.C. Everything worked there and I had a job that I was used to. But now, nothing is good enough for you. We just had to pick up and leave to come to Seattle."

"Trevor, stop," Meredith said weakly, feeling her defenses fall.

"Whatever, Meredith. But when your kids are stuck at the sitters until nine o'clock, they can blame their ungrateful mother."

Meredith heard the other line die before she ended the call and dropped her phone back into her purse. She looked around the room again, blinking back tears of disapproval before her pager went off. It was time for her introduction meeting.

The thing about expectations? They don't really account for anything. Because if they did, half of the people in that conference room wouldn't have about fallen over at the sight of her.

* * *

"Any idea why we were called into this mandatory emergency meeting?" Izzie asked as she sat down in one of the saved seats and passed the bottles of water down the group, followed by the various snacks they'd each ordered.

"Its probably something stupid," Alex said, "Some VIP patient that we all have to suck up to and try to not kill."

"Oh, I forgot to tell you guys something, " Cristina said lightly, "Meredith's back."

"WHAT?" Izzie practically screamed, immediately drawing attention to the group of three. She looked around, glaring at anyone who had dared to stare at them before looking back at Cristina and Alex. "Meredith's back?" she asked in a whisper.

"Yeah, got back like a month ago," Cristina said with a shrug before dropping a few cheetos in her mouth.

"And you didn't tell me!" Izzie said, reaching over Alex to hit Cristina.

"Hey, no hitting," Cristina scolded, "God, it's like your four."

"You didn't tell me that Meredith was here," Izzie countered.

"Yeah, well you married Alex. We all make mistakes," Cristina shrugged, a small smirk appearing on her face.

"Okay, if I can have everyone's attention," the Chief said as he stepped into the conference room and stood up at the front, "I'm sure you're all wondering why I called this meeting. I just wanted to introduce out newest addition to our surgical unit."

"Does Derek know?" Izzie hissed over to Cristina.

"Never again and I'm sitting in between you two," Alex mumbled, annoyed by their whispering.

"Who cares? Weren't you the one talking about how wonderfully happy he is? Besides, Meredith brought along a jackass husband and four kids," Cristina responded.

"You don't even know her husband," Izzie said, rolling her eyes, "We should have a big dinner at the house. Invite her and her husband over, just us couples? No kids. It'd be nice, we could catch up, you know?"

Cristina didn't respond, she just sat back up straight and waited for the Chief to continue. Now wasn't the time to break the news to Izzie.

"She's worked at Seattle Grace before and her return is long overdue, not to mention greatly appreciated and anticipated. I'd like to introduce to you all Dr. Meredith Grey," the Chief said as Meredith stood up from the back of the room and walked up to where the Chief was standing.

Her eyes darted around the room quickly, ensuring the fact that they wouldn't settle on anyone, especially Cristina or Derek. She didn't need distractions now. The Chief continued with his small speech and left the floor for Meredith. She added a few more things, feeling as though she was shaking the entire time.

When the meeting was over, everyone turned and left. People she didn't recognize welcomed her to Seattle Grace and said that they were glad to meet her and work with her. No one said welcome back, and no one said they had missed her.

Expectations really are never met.


	23. Chapter 23: Ignorance

**Sorry that I took so long to update! Things got really busy, but I'm already working on the next chapter! It should be up soon!**

**Thanks for reading!

* * *

Chapter 23: Ignorance **

"God, Cristina!" Izzie said, pulling her arm out of Cristina's grasp, "What the hell is your problem? I want to go see Meredith!"

"Seriously, Yang. What's your problem?" Alex asked, siding immediately with your wife.

"You guys are not aloud to talk to her yet," Cristina said simply, turning away from them to walk down the hall.

"What? Why is that your decision?" Izzie questioned as she stomped after Cristina.

"Because," Cristina said as she opened a patient's chart, as always pretending that the actual seriousness of the situation didn't exist, "Meredith isn't Meredith Grey anymore."

"Duh, she's married," Izzie said quickly, rolling her eyes at Cristina.

Cristina looked at her for a moment, actually surprised by how oblivious she was. It wasn't really her fault, but still. "Whatever," Cristina mumbled, shaking her head.

"Oh, Mer!" Izzie shouted as she saw Meredith cross the hall.

Meredith froze and she saw Alex and Cristina's eyes shoot up at her. Izzie quickly made her way over to Meredith and pulled her into an unexpected hug before she even had time to blink.

"How have you been? We've all missed you so much!" Izzie said in her overly happy voice that Meredith hadn't realized she missed so much.

"I've been, uh, great," Meredith answered, her eyes darting up at Cristina. Cristina just ignored her.

"That's wonderful!" Izzie said, trying not to notice the obvious lack of enthusiasm in Meredith's voice. She didn't want this to be awkward, they were friends, and it shouldn't be awkward. "Sorry we didn't stay after the meeting, Cristina has something wrong with her today."

"Doesn't she always?" Alex asked as he stepped over towards his wife and Meredith.

"Oh, that reminds me! Alex and I were just talking about inviting you and your husband, and Burke and Cristina over for dinner," Izzie suggested, "It'll be just like old times, minus George of course, but he's too far away to just come for dinner."

"Uh, sure," Meredith answered, still trying to get Cristina to acknowledge her in some way. Usually her and her person didn't have to use words to communicate, but it was slightly difficult when she refused to make eye contact.

Izzie's pager went off, sending a slight relief through Meredith, "Crap, it's my patient. I have to go, but I'll see you around and we'll definitely make plans, okay?"

"Okay," Meredith answered, nodding.

Alex gave her a slight smirk and said, "It is nice to have you back, Grey," before heading down the hall with his wife.

For once, Meredith smiled. No one had called her Grey in a very long time. It felt good.

* * *

"Hey, Chief?" 

"Yes?" Richard said as he turned around and met the eyes of his best neurosurgeon.

"I was told there was some sort of meeting while I was in surgery, what did I miss?" Derek asked.

Richard closed the chart he'd been examining and pulled his reading glasses off his face. He began to say something, but decided against it, "Uh, nothing. Nothing you didn't already know."

Derek looked at him strangely, not really satisfied with his response, but he wasn't given a chance to question Richard any further. "I have another meeting I have to get to. I'll see you later Shepherd," Richard said, avoiding Derek completely.

* * *

Meredith went through the day quickly, purposely keeping herself busy. She got used to the new filing system that the hospital was using, introduced herself to the nurses (stay on their good side, and they'll generally save you a lot of time and effort), and made nice with the other surgeons. Well, some of them anyways. Cristina had barely said two words to her and whether Meredith wanted to admit to it or not, she knew why. Cristina was disappointed in her. But that was something she could deal with later. 

Derek. He was the top name on her avoid list. There were just too many things there. Too many unsolved mysteries, so to speak. Things were left bad and in the situation she was currently in, she saw no way to fix any of them.

She had however, done some research. She learned that one certain redhead surgeon had long since left Seattle Grace, thankfully. Meredith had heard her name mentioned at various different hospitals over the years, but she had never been able to find out if she was just consulting or had actually left Seattle for good.

Despite her many attempts to add one other surgeon to her avoid list, Izzie had insisted on being a wonderful welcome back guide. She'd already planned the welcome back dinner, which apparently was going to include a four-course meal consisting of various foods that Meredith had never heard of before. Apparently Izzie had sharpened her cooking skills even more in ten years. In all honesty, Meredith should be thankful and try to be happy-go-lucky like Izzie is, but face it, that's not who Meredith is. She'd much rather listen to the cynical and sarcastic remarks of a certain Cristina Yang, or should she say Cristina Burke. That was something to get used to. It wasn't that Cristina and Burke hadn't always been together or even that Meredith hadn't known they'd gotten married, but either way, it was strange.

She had managed to only have meaningless conversations with the Chief, but she could tell he was watching her. He knew something. She didn't know how much he knew and she wasn't sure she wanted to know, but it was clear he knew something. He was watching her every move, every reaction, every flinch. He was looking something, and frankly, it scared her.

* * *

Meredith stepped into the house, relieved that her first shift was over. It had been tiring for every reason that didn't have anything to do with medical procedures. She guessed she might as well be thankful. Nothing too disastrous happened and for the first time since they arrived in Seattle, the house was quiet. 

Meredith pulled off her jacket and scarf, hanging them up carefully as she set her purse down on a table in the foyer. She looked up the stairs and found only darkness, hoping that her children were lost in their own little dreamlands. Her boots collided softly with the wooden floor beneath her, creating a soundtrack to her entrance as she walked past the still living room. When she reached the door to the kitchen, she gently pushed it open, finding the dim stove light on, creating shadows across the room.

The door slowly swung closed behind her as she stopped moving, silencing the entire house again. Her eyes glanced to her right and noticed Trevor sitting at the head of the table, waiting. She knew he was waiting for her, he often did, but something told her that he was waiting for much more than her arrival home.

Her eyes fell to the clear wooden table between them. She wasn't going to make the first move. She stood, frozen as thoughts ran through her head. She knew this Trevor. This was a man she'd become all too familiar with over the course a few years. This wasn't the man she fell in love with or the man she married. This was a man who haunted her dreams while lying next to her.

"What time is it?" he asked suddenly. Usually these scenes began much more bluntly, his voice much more authoritative. Tonight, was somehow different. He didn't seem to be craving power of the situation.

Meredith listened to the humming of the refrigerator; a sound she'd just began to notice as her eyes glanced up to the stove clock. "11:17," she answered quietly. She felt herself already begin to shut down. She was internally surrendering before he'd even stood up. This is the way things were now.

"What time do we have to pick our kids up from the day care?" he asked again, as if he was making her realize the reason for his anger, but she already knew. She knew exactly what she did. It may not be logical to her or anyone else, but Trevor seemed to have his own logic and Meredith had learned it well. She didn't disobey him or do things that would be wrong in his mind very often. But when she was given a surgery at five that would save a patient's life, she had known that it would cause problems. Still, she had done it. This was her fault now. She had practically asked for it.

"Six thirty," Meredith answered. The wooden chair scraped against the worn tile as he pushed the chair back to stand up. She stood still, her eyes focused straight ahead as she listened to his heavy feet walking closer to her. They stopped suddenly and her eyes glanced up at him before she had the chance to stop herself.

"Who's job is it to pick up the kids?" he asked. This time he wasn't offering her any control of the situation. Control was his. His voice had risen, getting deeper with each syllable.

He eyes glanced up at the ceiling, picturing her children lying peacefully in their beds. She had to remember why she was doing this; who she was doing this for. Her eyes leveled with the stove again before she swallowed tightly, "Mine."

"But I had to pick them up," he responded quickly, "I had to miss work," he continued, a step closer to her with every phrase. "I had to come home, cook, clean, and get them to bed," his words were eerily calm. He hadn't blown his top yet, a rare occasion when he was this mad inside. "I had to do all of that while you were out with a bunch of friends. Those people you were going to leave me for, right? I'm guessing there's a guy involved too. Maybe that man that you saw at the grocery store?"

"What?" Meredith whispered without thinking.

He chuckled slightly, knowing she wasn't expecting him to know. "Little boys are very vocal when they miss their Mom."

Brayden was completely innocent. Meredith knew that. He didn't know what he was doing, but still, Meredith wished he hadn't said a word. "Trevor, you are taking this too far. I was in surgery all night."

"Really?" he asked, "What person in their right mind would let you cut into their brain?" he continued, shortening the space between them, "They must be fucking crazy."

His harsh breath glazed across Meredith's cheek in a sickening manner, telling her that he was right in front of her without her eyes even opening. "What the hell was going through your mind?"

Her eyes betrayed her when they looked up at him, revealing the vulnerability that he craved so often. A fire was raging in his eyes when he raised his hand for the first time that night, slapping her across the face. Her head jolted to the side, as it burned red instantly. She closed her eyes tightly, willing the tears to stop. She wouldn't cry. She refused to give him that.

When she didn't respond to his slap, he got angrier. She knew it; it was the way it always happened. He pushed her harshly against the wall, his arms squeezing the thin skin of her arms to the bone. "Who was that man?" he shouted bitterly.

Her face contorted in pain as she felt his spit spray against her face with every word, she wouldn't give anything else to him. She refused. She might be surrendering inside, but she refused to let him know. She just closed her eyes and took it.


	24. Chapter 24: A Blast from the Past

**Well, I think that it is time for chapter made up of flashbacks from ten years ago! You'll recognize some of these scenes because I'm using all the flashbacks I've already given to put them into context. If you don't get what I mean, you will once you read it!

* * *

**

**Chapter 24: A Blast from the Past**

Meredith's stiff body adjusted to the mattress as she placed on top. She'll never understand this. No matter how major or minor her beatings were, he'd always lay her in their bed as she slipped in and out of consciousness. Sometimes he'd take his place on the opposite side of the bed, sometimes he wouldn't. Lucky for her, this was one of the times that he'd disappear somewhere and be gone for hours.

She tried to pull the comforter closer to her body, but was surprised at the immense amount of pain she felt. Apparently she'd lost consciousness long before the beating had ended. She knew it was probably past midnight now and given a few hours, her children would be up and Madelyn would know what happened. She always did. But right now, Meredith didn't want to think about any of that. Sleep was asking for her and she was more than willing to give in.

* * *

_"Meredith? Are you sure you want to do this? This isn't a decision you should make quickly," Richard said, hopeful that she was just thinking irrationally._

_"I have thought about it, sir," Meredith explained, "I thought about long before I ever put in any of the papers. This is what is best for me. I need to do something good for me right now."_

_He nodded before looking down at the papers before him. He read them absently, knowing already every word included before signing it carefully. "You know you always have a place here, right? You are welcome back whenever."_

_"Thank you," Meredith said with a small smile as she stood up, "I should get going, my shift is over."_

_"I'll fax this over to the Chief at George Washington Medical, but I hope to see you again soon," he said as he stood up too, offering his hand to her._

_She shook his hand awkwardly before pulling away, "I'll be back to visit," she promised before leaving the office and heading to the locker room. She mesmerized things about the hospital and people as she passed. She acted so strong and normal and fine with the Chief, but it was just that: an act. The time of truth was coming soon. She was going to have to admit to everything._

_Meredith opened her locker and swallowed the secret she'd been holding back for weeks. No one knew. No one and now she had to go do something she'd been avoiding completely._

_She pulled out her clothes and slowly changed into them before she noticed her cell phone vibrating. She flipped it open and saw a text message, "Meet me at 9." She sighed, she was going to anyways, but it made it harder to know that he was expecting the exact opposite of what she was going to give him._

_She shut her locker as her friends began to make their way out of her the locker room, completely oblivious to her broken expression. Maybe they were oblivious; maybe they just kind of expected it at this point. She had looked that way for longer than any of them cared to acknowledge._

_As she headed down the hallway, she barely caught the closing elevator doors and immediately wished she hadn't when she noticed who else was with her. Satan. Meredith remembered when they first began calling her Satan, and how now, it wasn't all that true. She was innocent now. She was the victim. Meredith was the one who didn't belong and she just beginning to admit it._

_"Dr. Grey, have you seen my husband around at all?" Addison asked, thoroughly enjoying called him her husband to his ex-mistress._

_Meredith cleared her throat slightly before responding, "No, I'm sorry I haven't." It may have been true, but she knew exactly where he was._

_"Oh, what a shame. I guess I'll be eating alone tonight," she responded. For some reason, it seemed like she was actually trying to carry out a conversation here._

_"So will I," Meredith answered as the doors opened, "Goodbye," Meredith said as she stepped out on to the ground floor._

_"See ya," Addison responded._

_Meredith almost found satisfaction in that she wouldn't. If the world loved her at all, Meredith would never have to face Satan again.

* * *

_

_Meredith stepped into the lobby of the Ritz Carlton in downtown Seattle. It had become a habit to come here. Same room every time. Same reason. She tightened her grip on her thin purse strap as she made her way to the elevator. The doors dinged as they opened, granting her entrance._

_A few people followed in and she noticed a couple that seemed to be on a honeymoon of sorts. They were cute and in love. Cristina would have found it sickening, but Meredith was jealous. Those two let everyone know how they felt about each other. No hidden visits in hotels. No secret text messages, phone calls, or notes left in lockers. It was out in the open and uncomplicated. Meredith had never been so jealous of someone in her life._

_The doors opened and she began to realize the intensity of what she was about to do. It was life altering and frankly, it could be a mistake. But she had done her best to convince herself that it wasn't. She was doing the right thing. She had to be. She was doing this for herself and sometimes you just have to be selfish. If she didn't take care of herself, who was going to?_

_As she walked down the hall, she began to hear her own heartbeat through her chest. She wasn't expecting to be this nervous. How come the right thing always has to be the hardest? It wasn't fair._

_She finally reached the familiar door and slipped the keycard out of her pocket to unlock the door for herself. The green light flickered and she turned the gold doorknob before pushing the heavy door open._

_The shower was on, steam slowly seeping between the door and wall of the bathroom. She glanced down at her watch and realized she was a little early. Either way, she was there and she couldn't leave now._

_She stepped farther inside, taking off her jacket and placing it down with her purse. She sat down on the bed that she'd spent many nights in. It was comfortable, warm. It smelt of Derek._

_The water stopped and she heard him move around in the bathroom for a few minutes before the door opened. He walked out in a pair of sweatpants and a shirt, his hair dripping down his face. She silently thanked the world that he was clothed, but she knew naked or not, this wasn't going to be easy._

_"Meredith?" he asked the second he saw her, "You're early."_

_"Yeah, well, I'm here," she answered, shrugging her shoulders as her eyes glanced across the beige comforter._

_A concerned look crossed Derek's face before he walked over to her, sitting down next to her on the mattress. "Are you okay?"_

_Her eyes flickered up towards his at his words, falling immediately into the deep blue abyss that held so much. His eyes were laced with concern and desire, pleading for her to just fall into his arms. She looked around indecisively, her ambivalence concerning him even more._

_Her eyes stopped momentarily and fell once again. He raised his arm to caress her cheek, but her whisper made him hesitate, "Addison."_

_He pulled back instinctively, trying to hold back the sigh that threatened to fall from his lips. They'd been through this. They'd made a decision. "Meredith."_

_Her eyes met his again, silencing anything that either one of them was going to say. Even if they had been through this, they'd both had their doubts the entire time. They both had held desires to be closer together and farther apart. They were in this limbo that was threatening to drag them down to the depths of the earth, but in their intimate moments of the night, they'd let it as long as they were together._

_Those were the things that had scared them in times like this before, but more things were making Meredith hesitate right now. If she made another move, it could possibly make all of her plans fall through and keep her in his arms forever despite the complications and hesitations. But if she held strong, she could pull herself out of the mess she'd made her life and start anew. She could be happy and have a life that she didn't have to hide from all of her friends._

_Their eyes stayed close as her hand slowly raised to his chest. Her palm pressed against his heart as she felt his hand cover hers gently. He was really there. No matter how many times she's tried to tell herself that these intimate moments were a figment of her imagination or that his feelings weren't true, his rapid heart beat revealed the truth._

_She looked down at their hands, his fitting over her own perfectly. It looked natural, as if that's the way life was supposed to be._

_A single tear rolled down Meredith's cheek, landing between them on the soft comforter. "Mer," Derek said slowly, choking back his own emotions as this nightmare began to play out in front of him. He didn't want to believe any of it was real._

_"Shh…." She said slowly as she wiped her cheek carefully. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath before looking up at Derek. Their eyes locked, as they stayed frozen in time, searching for hope and salvation in each other._

_Meredith felt herself breaking, her heart falling to pieces. It was threatening to happen, but she refused to face it. She reached up to Derek and covered his lips with her own. He was surprised at first, but then removed his hand from hers and tangled it into her hair as her hand left his chest and found his neck._

_His tongue parted her lips, bringing them closer together as she began to pull him down on top of her. Derek slowly began to make his way down her neck as Meredith searched for her breath. He fluttered gentle kisses on her exposed skin as he delicately unbuttoned her top. She closed her eyes tightly, trying to ignore the passion she was feeling for him as tears began to roll down her cheeks._

_Derek moved to kiss her lips again when the tears glistened against her skin. He paused, his breathing heavy, as he took in the pained expression on her face. "Meredith, you're crying."_

_His acknowledgment of her emotions made her tears flow faster than she could control. Derek moved from on top of her, pulling her into his arms as he lay against the mattress. "Meredith, talk to me. Please talk to me," he whispered carefully as he kissed her hair._

_She continued to hide her face in his chest as she continued to cry, her entire body shaking in his arms. "People don't talk when they're having affairs and leaving each other," she whispered quietly between her tears. "I'm leaving you…."_

_"Mer," Derek said in a questioning tone as he pulled away from her, trying to look into her eyes._

_As his arms loosened around her, she saw it as an escape. She pulled herself away from him. She pulled herself up on the bed into a sitting position as she quickly began to button her shirt up._

_Derek sat up immediately, confused by the changing circumstances, "Meredith- What's going on?"_

_"I need to go," she said as she stood up and hastily grabbed her jacket and purse. Derek jumped up and followed her, grabbing her arms before she could take a step closer to the door. "Derek, let me go," she said carefully and evenly._

_"What do you mean your leaving? Meredith, tell me what's going on," he was pleading and that made it so much harder. She just wished for a moment that he'd be mean. Give her another reason to leave._

_"Derek, you're cheating on your wife. You've been cheating on your wife for six months. This isn't a one-night lapse in judgment. This is a full-blown affair. Do you have any idea how bad this is?" Meredith asked desperately._

_"Meredith, we've talked about this-"_

_"No," she said, quieting him, "We haven't talked about this. You've talked about this. You've told me it was going to be okay. You've told me that you were going to leave her. And I listened. But I'm done listening. It's your turn to listen."_

_Derek stayed silent, surprised by the exhaustion and anxiety in her voice. She seemed like she was falling apart. "I have to leave. You can't hate me for this, Derek. This is tearing me apart. I don't talk to my friends anymore, I don't visit my mother anymore, I barely even acknowledge that other people exist in this world. My life has become the hospital and this hotel. You. I've been lying about everything for so long, I don't even know what's right anymore. I'm done Derek, I'm done."_

_They stared into each other's eyes again before Derek pulled her into his arms and kissed her. He didn't want to believe the words coming out of her mouth. He wanted to kiss away her words and thoughts, erase them from the world. Neither was sure if this was desire or desperation, but this kiss felt stronger than any before._

_She gave into it at first, enjoying the taste of his lips, but she caught herself. She pulled away slightly, feeling his arms tighten around her. "Derek- I can't, I'm sorry… I just can't," Meredith said softly as she buried her head into his chest. She felt his hands on her, his fingers running through her hair and his voice, whispering divine lies. It felt so right, it felt perfect and natural. But she knew it wasn't. It was nothing but wrong._

_"It's okay, Mer, it's all right," he continued, trying his best to soothe her. He could pretend that he didn't know what was eating away at her. He could act like he was innocent in all of this, but he knew he was culprit and she was his victim. _

_She pulled her wet face away from his damp shirt and her body out of his arms. It hurt her heart to be separated from him it all, but she knew it had to happen. She couldn't continue going this way. _

_She wiped her tears away with the back of her hand, moving away from his tender touch even more. "I can't do this Derek."_

_"Meredith," he pleaded. He tired to pull her into his arms again, but she resisted with a newfound strength against his charm. "Please, it's almost over. Please Meredith, you have to trust me."_

_She shook her head, her eyes closed to hold in the tears as she stood up. "I can't anymore, Derek. I can't."_

_"Meredith, I love you," he said, begging her with everything he had in him._

_She continued to shake her head as she stood up, stepping away from him, "Love isn't enough."_

_"It has to be," he pleaded again, standing up and following her across the room._

_"No," she answered quickly, "I'm begging you Derek, let me go. Just please, let me go."_

_"Meredith, I can't," Derek said, pulling her close to him, "I can't. I tried. I tried for Addison, I tried for you. I can't. I can't let you go."_

_Meredith dropped her head into his chest, taking in his scent to hold it close as a memory. Derek's tense muscles relaxed slightly, thinking that this whole thing was over and Meredith was okay. She let him hold her, taking in the feel of his touch. She was committing everything to memory._

_Minutes passed before either of them moved, almost afraid of their glass relationship shattering if they did. When the time came, Meredith removed Derek's arms from her own without saying a word. She kept her eyes away from his, revealing to Derek that nothing was okay. _

_She took a step back, holding her hand out when he moved to follow her. She closed her eyes and mustered up any strength that she could find in her vacant soul. She let out a deep breath, one she'd been holding since she last felt Derek's touch. _

_She slowly looked up at Derek, his eyes full of concern and confusion. "Yes, you can," she said slowly, "You can let go. You just haven't tried." Her voice was steady and void of emotion._

_"Meredith," Derek pleaded, only fearing what was coming next._

_"No," she said as he took a step close to her, making her take another closer to the door. "If… if I'm not here, you'll be fine. You can let me go. You can stay with Addison."_

_"Mere-"_

_"Stop," she ordered, her voice rising slightly. "If you have ever loved me, Derek Shepherd, you will do this for me."_

_His face fell as he felt her glare on him. He couldn't believe the words coming out of her mouth. He couldn't. He didn't want to. He'd spent so much time thinking about him, not about her. It was always him. He had to make a decision right now to do something for Meredith. He had to do what she wanted._

_"You will let me go," she continued, her voice beginning to shake as she took another step backwards, "If you love me, you'll let me go."_

_"Meredith," he said quietly, pleading for her one more time._

_"This is tearing me apart," she said, finally breaking the strong exterior she'd summoned moments ago. Tears began to stream down her cheeks and Derek longed to pull her into his arms and kiss them away, but something willed him to stay where he was. "I can't do this anymore. It's killing me."_

_"Please-"_

_"Derek," she pleaded, her body beginning to tremble, "Please don't make this any harder than it already is. I'm going to go and when you come after me, I won't be there."_

_She took two steps back, causing Derek to take three forward, closing in on her. She wrapped her hand on the doorknob behind her back, preparing herself to do the one thing she'd been planning on for weeks. She had to do this. No matter what Derek said or did, she had made a promise to herself. She had to keep it._

_"Meredith, you can't do this," Derek said, finally getting his statement out without being cut off by Meredith, "You can't do this to me, to you, to us."_

_Meredith shook her head, letting it fall down as her hair followed. She let out a bitter and sarcastic laugh that mixed with her tears, surprising Derek. "That's just it, Derek," she said as her eyes found Derek's again, "There hasn't been an 'us' in a long time and there isn't going to be an 'us' ever again. I can't. I need to leave."_

_"But-"_

_"No," Meredith said, "You have to do this for me."_

_Derek sighed, remembering the vow he'd made only moments before. He needs to do what Meredith wants. He needs to make her happy. That's what he's supposed to do._

_"Bye Derek," Meredith whispered before opening the door and hurrying out._

_The second Derek realized what was happening, he pulled open the door and looked down both sides of the hallway. It was completely empty. He shouldn't have been surprised. It was almost two in the morning. Everyone else in Seattle was asleep. He was the only one with a broken heart._

_He walked back into the hotel room and closed the door behind him. He should be following her, running after her, but he knew her too well. She'd made a decision and he couldn't break that from her. She was leaving him and that's all there was to it. He may never see her again and it was his fault. _

_Everything was all his fault. _


	25. Chapter 25: Suffering

**Chapter 25: Suffering**

"Why are you doing this?" Cristina asked as she paid for her coffee at the cart in the hospital.

Izzie picked up her own coffee and began to lead Cristina down the hall, "Because she's our friend. Ten years or not, she's our friend."

"Why do the men have to come?" Cristina continued.

"Because he's her husband. As friends, we have to get to know him. Besides, this way Burke can stop hanging out with Shepherd so much and Alex can have some friends with wives that I like," Izzie explained, as if it was the simplest thing in the world.

"Dr. Yang?"

The two doctors stopped and turned around as they saw the Chief hurrying down the overpass. "Dr. Yang, can I speak to you in private?"

Izzie eyed Cristina for a moment before stepping away and mumbling something about a patient. Cristina looked at the Chief expectantly, waiting for whatever he had to say.

"Meredith's husband, Trevor Douglas, he called in sick for her today. Said she got the stomach virus off one of the kids," the Chief explained.

Cristina waited at first, making sure she wasn't about to jump to conclusions. The helpless look in the usual self-assertive Chief told her that she was exactly right. "Does Shepherd know?"

"No," he answered.

Cristina nodded, "Tell Burke he can have my bypass at noon and Dr. Henderson can have the rest of my surgeries. My interns already know what they're doing, so don't worry about them. And keep Shepherd busy."

Richard nodded as Cristina began to walk down the hall to get changed. "Wait, Dr. Yang," he called out again. Cristina backtracked and reached him again. "If she's hurt, call me before bringing her in. She needs privacy," he instructed in a low voice.

"Okay," Cristina said, her mind filling with endless possibilities that she hoped weren't true.

* * *

Ten years ago, a key had been placed under the mat at Meredith's house because George was always forgetting his keys. Cristina was a little surprised that the key was still sitting there under the damp, worn mat. It, at least, made her life a little simpler. She really didn't feel like having the police called by some nosey neighbor for breaking and entering.

She unlocked the door and walked in, immediately hearing giggles in the kitchen. She placed the key down with her jacket and scarf, closing and securing the door behind her.

She walked across the foyer and pushed the kitchen door open. She stood in the doorway, completely unnoticed by the oblivious kids. She cleared her throat and they all froze, their eyes darting over towards her.

"STRANGER!" Brayden screamed as he pointed to her, "STRANGER!"

"She's not a stranger, stupid," Hayley said to her brother, rolling her eyes, "She's Mommy's friend."

"STRANGER!" Brayden continued, hitting Hayley back after she swatted his arm.

"Be quiet," Madelyn said to them, "She's not a stranger Brayden."

"Fine," Brayden mumbled to himself before picking up his spoon and getting back to his cereal.

"You're Madelyn right?" Cristina asked the older girl.

"Yes," she answered, "You're Cristina?"

"How'd you know?" Cristina asked.

"My Mom used to talk about you," Madelyn answered, "And Izzie and George."

Cristina nodded as she walked further into the kitchen, "Where's your mother?"

"Upstairs," Madelyn answered quickly.

Cristina nodded again as she looked at the four dressed kids, each with a bowl of cereal and a glass of milk. "Did you do all of this?"

"Yes," Madelyn answered, "My Mommy usually does it, but she's sick today."

"She's sick?" Cristina asked with a questioning stare.

"Yes," Madelyn answered, matching her stare exactly. Cristina knew right then and there that Madelyn wanted her to know the truth.

"I'm going to go check on her," Cristina said as she headed towards the door. She stopped and looked back at the girl, "Madelyn? You're mother is lucky to have you."

"Thanks," the little girl answered, a small smile on her lips.

It didn't matter that that was such an un-Cristina thing to say because the little girl needed to hear it. Cristina thought about her own little girl at home who had her Daddy to make her breakfast every morning and her Mom to pick out her outfit. She was taken to the zoo and museums all the time, ending most days with a movie in her parent's big bed. She knew Meredith thought she was the only one suffering here and that she was doing it for her kids, but Cristina needed her to know the truth. This was a weight on the whole family, especially the little girl who's currently raising three kids.

* * *

Cristina made her way up the stairs and noticed a table lined against one of the walls. The simple table was decorated thoroughly with photographs. The centerpiece was a larger frame made of silver and encrusted with diamonds. The bottom was engraved with Meredith & Trevor November 5, 2009.

The couple staring up at her was happy. Cristina knew Meredith well enough to know that that smile was completely genuine. They were both glowing, in a way that Cristina hadn't known Meredith was capable of. That couple didn't suffer from the pain and mistrust of abuse. They were just happy.

A strained cough from down the hall made Cristina look up from all of the baby pictures that surrounded that wedding picture. She walked down the hall, knowing exactly which room would be Meredith's.

As she opened the door, the bed's springs squeaked as the body shifted slightly. Cristina closed the door behind her and took in the sight before her. She hesitated at first before walking over to the bathroom door. She silently wetted a cloth and then walked back into the room.

She carefully sat down on the edge of the bed and looked at Meredith. Her body was frail, purple, and bruised. Her eyes were shut, a painful look to them. A bloody gash was placed above her right eye, the dry blood crusted over.

Cristina delicately placed the warm cloth on the gash as Meredith moved slightly in her disturbed sleep. Cristina moved the cloth gently, cleaning up the blood the best she could. Meredith's eyes fluttered open, suddenly adjusting to the painful realities of consciousness. Cristina avoided her questioning eyes as she continued washing the cut. Once she was satisfied, she stood up and walked into the bathroom, washing out the blood.

When she entered the bedroom again, she began to pick up the clothes thrown on the floor. She deposited them in the hamper as Meredith watched her strange actions. Once the room was organized, Cristina looked up at Meredith for the first time. Meredith's tired eyes filled with fear as Cristina walked over to the other side of the bed and laid down.

Meredith turned to Cristina. Cristina grabbed her friend's hand and closed her eyes. Meredith watched for a few moments, excepting for Cristina to snap and yell, but she didn't. She didn't question or discipline. She was just there, and in reality, that's exactly what Meredith needed.


	26. Chapter 26: Examination

**Chapter 26: Examination**

When Meredith's eyes opened again, her loneliness made her question whether or not she had dreamt Cristina's visit. Knowing that she did have four kids, she painfully pulled herself out of the bed. As she stumbled into the bathroom, she began the routine.

The mirror came into view, revealing a sight Meredith wished wasn't her reflection. Her hand gently turned the faucet on, releasing a flow of cool water. She placed her thin hands under the stream before bending over and splashing some over her face.

She dried off with one of their towels before placing herself in front of the mirror again. She looked at herself carefully, seeing the gash above her eye and the other bruises. She swallowed carefully before she pulled off her wrinkled t-shirt. The skin beneath was damaged deeply, but she had expected more. Her delicate fingers ran over her cold skin, her face wincing when one of the bruises was too tender.

Removing her plaid pajama pants, she took in the view of her entire body. She was battered and bruises physically, but it didn't make much of an impression on her. It was nothing new.

She turned her eyes away from the mirror; being carefully to hold in every tear her eyes betrayed her with. She headed to the shower, carefully turning the water on to lukewarm. She waited for a few moments before stepping inside, feeling the water engulf her sore body.

The shower only lasted long enough for Meredith to wash her body the best she could before she finally turned the water off. Wrapping a towel around her sickly thin body, she headed to her closet. She stared at the clothes for a moment, seeing her pile of scrubs and her many long sleeve shirts. She wished she was going into work, but she knew from experience that Trevor called in with some illness. She finally grabbed a shirt that covered most of her skin and pulled on a pair of pants.

She then found herself back in the bathroom, pulling out her make-up. She needed to put on this mask before she could face anyone. Her emotional disguise had been wearing thin lately.

* * *

When Meredith finally summoned enough courage to make herself go downstairs, she was met with a surprising amount of silence. As she looked around, she began to immediately get suspicious. She walked into the kitchen and found it spotless: something it never was.

On the table was a single post-it note. She grabbed it and recognized Cristina's scribble handwriting instantly, "Took the kids to the zoo with Burke. They need to get out. Madelyn needs a day off. Your "husband" called and so did the Chief. You have a meeting with him at four this afternoon. You better be there."

Apparently her so called "dream" of Cristina coming wasn't a dream at all. She actually had come, but the idea of Cristina taking Meredith's four kids to the zoo was one that was a little too dreamlike to be true. And Madelyn needs a day off? Meredith could only furrow her eyebrows at that, not completely understanding. The quotations around the word husband, however, told her that Cristina understood perfectly what was going on. And apparently, so did a few other people at Seattle Grace.

* * *

As Meredith walked through Seattle Grace, she easily found the Chief's office. His assistant led her in and offered her a seat, explaining that the Chief had just finished a surgery and was currently speaking with the family. Meredith thanked her politely and took the seat before his assistant dismissed herself.

She stared at the clock absentmindedly, tapping her foot with the second hand. Ten minutes passed before the door finally opened. Meredith quickly stood up and turned around, the door closing as she met an unexpected pair of eyes.

Momentarily, the world stopped for them. Not because of a cheesy romantic tale, but because their throats became coated with unreleased secrets and please, making their breath hard to find. Their minds clouded with memories and forgotten dreams of yesterday. It wasn't even the first time they'd seen each other in ten years, but this was different. They were alone.

"Oh," Meredith finally managed to squeak out as before her arms crossed against her chest, her eyes falling to the floor. Her hair fell in front of her face slightly, and Meredith silently prayed that it hid enough from Derek's eyes.

Derek shifted his weight on his feet before finding his own motor skills, "What are you doing here?"

"Meeting with the Chief," Meredith answered quickly, looking up at him only long enough to be polite.

Derek nodded as he walked over to the desk, seeing Meredith's eyes follow his every move. He placed the file he'd been holding on the Chief's desk and stepped back, "This shouldn't be this awkward."

"What?" Meredith asked carefully.

Derek forced a smile, trying to pretend like this really wasn't so awkward, "It's the third time we've seen each other. I guess we should get used to it."

"Yeah," Meredith agreed halfheartedly with a small shrug of her shoulders.

Derek nodded, just looking for something to do in response. "It's nice that you're back."

Meredith's protective stance betrayed her as she looked up at him completely, her eyes matching his. The look in her face was something he couldn't describe, but he couldn't stand just starring back at it. "We should catch up sometime. Maybe a cup of coffee or something."

Meredith nodded, but she didn't offer a verbal response, the same strange glint her eye still present. "Are you okay, Mer?" Derek had hoped he could keep himself from asking. The truth was right in front of his face; he didn't need to let her know he knew. It would only make her pull away before he ever really got the chance to talk to her.

The protective stance she lost suddenly returned at his question. "I'm fine," she answered confidently, or at least as confidently as she could.

Derek stared into her eyes for a moment, hoping that she would just break down and confess, but he knew better. Something in this woman had changed in these ten years and he was going to have to find new ways to get to her.

"Good, well, you know where I am if you ever need anything," Derek said before heading to the door, hearing her mumble some small response. He pulled his cell phone out of his pocket as he headed out the door and dialed a familiar number, waiting for someone to answer.

* * *

"Good morning, Meredith."

Meredith jumped a little unconsciously as the Chief's voice filled the room. He walked over to his desk and sat down across from Meredith. He smiled slightly at her, "It's really good to have you back here."

"Thank you," Meredith answered apprehensively. "Cristina left a note saying that I had a meeting with you, I'm just not sure exactly what this meeting is about."

He smiled warmly at her, hoping to ease her nervousness, "I just wanted to make sure that you were really okay, after the accident and all."

"The accident was over a month ago," she answered, "It was minor anyways."

The Chief nodded as he crossed his arms across his chest, "Well, you suffered the worst blow. Sometimes, people are sore for some time after accidents." He sat back in his seat and pulled a file out of his top drawer, "Dr. Yang brought this to my attention and I believe it's my duty to bring it to yours." Richard opened the file, turning it around and placing it in front of Meredith on the desk.

Meredith leaned over the desk to review the papers, her eyes leading up to Richard moments later. "My chart? Why are you showing me this?"

"Meredith, when your mother died-"

"What does my mother have to do with this?" Meredith asked, her voice stern in a way it hadn't been in a long time.

Richard sighed and repeated his statement, "When your mother died, I promised her something. I promised her that I'd take care of you. I know that I haven't fulfilled that since you left, but now that your back, I plan to carry out my promise. Not only do I owe your mother that, I owe it to you."

"You owe me nothing," Meredith said, shaking her head as she stood up to leave. "I work here. I'm an employee, not family. My life is mine. End of story. When my mother died, our connection other than colleagues died. If you wanted to prove yourself to my mother, than you should have stayed with her thirty-some years ago. Trying to act all righteous now isn't going to do anything. Too much has happened. If you wanted to take care of me, then you should have taken the chance when you had it. It's too late now. I'm in Seattle for the job. I have a family, I don't need another one."

Meredith grabbed her jacket and purse to leave, heading to the door.

"Meredith, we have a responsibility here." Her back to Richard, she paused as he spoke, "Dr. Bailey, Dr. Yang, and I, we have a responsibility. We made an exception because of whom you are, but I cannot just let this happen. I am bound by the law here, Meredith. We could all be charged with a misdemeanor if I don't report this soon. As some one who cares for you, I'm asking that you remove yourself and your children from the situation before the police get involved. I don't want to see you lose your children."

She stood motionless, his words echoing in her mind. She heard him adjust his weight and sigh, a few papers shuffling behind her. Taking a few deep breaths, she opened the door and walked out.


	27. Chapter 27: Foretelling

**Sorry about the lack of updates! Luckily my AP exams are over so I won't have to be studying as much, but I still have like a month left of school. I would haev put this up sooner, but I hurt my wrist so my mother hasn't let me on the computer in almost a week! It feels like everything is stopping me from updating! But my wrist is getting better so hopefully that means that I can update and write more often!**

**Thanks for reading the story and I love all of your reviews! I know you can't really know what it feels like to be in Meredith's position until you've been in it and I hope you guys keep that in mind while reading the story. I'm sure a lot of you guys are angry at Meredith for the life she's living, but you can't get mad at a victim of abuse because she's innocent. 1 out of every 8 women in America is abused by their husband, boyfriend, or ex-boyfriend everyday. I can understand anyone's frustration with Meredith, but just keep that in mind.**

**Get inside the victim's mind and you'll realize that they really are a victim. The abuser has contorted their thinking. They can't just escape so easily.

* * *

**

**Chapter 27: Foretelling**

"What's wrong?" Trevor asked as he stepped into the bedroom he shared with Meredith. She was sitting on her side, her head in her hands. She looked up at his voice, but her eyes never met his.

"I'm going to lose my job," she said quietly as Trevor rummaged through some things in his drawers.

He stopped as he heard her words, "What? We moved out here for your job."

"I know," Meredith said, nodding slightly as she wiped the tears from her face.

Trevor watched her through the mirror, as he got ready for the day, not stopping to comfort her, "Care to tell me why?"

"If I don't quit and stay away from that hospital, they're going to send my files to the police," Meredith said slowly. The reality of her words scared her, but his possible reactions cared her more.

Trevor finally completely stopped and turned to look at her, "Your files?"

"My medical files, Trevor," she sighed, wishing he would just understand her already. She could barely handle talking about this as it was. Her children were what made her life bearable, she couldn't imagine herself without them.

Trevor's eyes softened as he really took in the sight of his wife. He walked over to the bed and sat down next to her. He carefully pulled her into his arms, either not noticing or ignoring her flinch. She began to cry into his arms and he held her carefully, whispering things to her and running his fingers through her hair. "Meredith, no one is going to take our children. Okay? I promise you that, I promise."

She nodded into him, making sure he knew she heard him. Maybe he was right, she was overreacting, and the Chief was overreacting. No one had taken her children before and they weren't going to now.

As she calmed down, Trevor continued to hold her, rocking her gently. "You know I love you, right? I would never intentionally hurt you or the kids. I just have a bad temper. I'm so sorry Meredith. I really do love you."

Meredith nodded again as she finally looked up at him. He kissed her gently before lying her down carefully on the bed. He laid a blanket across her small body and leaned down to her eye level, "I think you need some extra rest. I'll take the kids out today and show them the wonders of Seattle. Sleep, watch some soaps, and take a bath. Just relax okay?"

She nodded again before he kissed her on the forehead. "I'll talk to your boss, okay? We can invite him over for dinner or something, prove them that everything is fine okay?" She gave him one last nod before forcing a small smile across her lips. "Everything will be fine, Mer," Trevor said before crossing the room and turning the light off behind him.

* * *

Meredith turned the channel for the tenth time, unsatisfied by everything on television. She'd already watched two chick flicks, taken a long bubble bath, slept some, and even resorted to cleaning the house. She was not used to her house being quiet. She actually missed her children nagging on her all day.

She finally turned the television off and turned around on her couch to look out the window behind it. She watched as the cars drove by in the sunshine, hoping that her husband's car would just happen to pull into the driveway and her kids would come running into the house.

Curiosity filled her body as a black car slowed down in front of her house. It was still running, but it had paused. Its deeply tinted windows forbade her from seeing inside, but she felt certain that her wide open blinds made her appearance obvious.

Another car drove down the street, unwillingly stopping behind the mysterious black vehicle. After receiving a few irritated honks, the car finally drove away, almost reluctantly.

Meredith sat there for a few minutes, her eyes fixated on the spot where that car had been sitting. She felt like it's occupant had been staring right at her and it didn't feel right. Before she could let her mind throw too many outrageous thoughts through her mind, her telephone rang, ripping her mind and body away from that window.

She grabbed the phone the second she reached the kitchen, clicking it on and placing it to her ear, "Hello?"

"Hey Meredith!"

"Hi Iz," Meredith answered, a little surprised by her friend's perky voice.

"I hope I'm not bothering you, I just wanted to see if you were doing anything tonight?"

"Um, not that I know of," Meredith said as she walked back into her living room, holding the phone as she sat down. She let her eyes glance back towards the window, finding an empty street. She shook her head at her own foolishness before turning the television back on.

"Great! Alex and I were just wondering if you and your family would like to come over for dinner tonight? Of course Cristina, Burke, and Corinne will be there too. I'm sure Corinne will love your children," Izzie said, hoping that Meredith wouldn't decline. For some reason, she felt there was something different in the Meredith that had returned. She was determined to either prove herself wrong or figure it out.

"Dinner…. Tonight?" Meredith asked hesitantly, her mind forgetting entirely about the television sitting in front of her.

"Yeah, is tonight a bad night? Maybe we could plan for some other night this week or whenever you're free?" Izzie suggested. She knew if she didn't insist, Meredith wouldn't make an effort. At least she knew that much.

The doorbell rang and Meredith's head turned back towards the window. The little black car that had held her attention only moments ago was now parked across the street and she was only guessing that its occupant was ringing her doorbell.

She stood up and walked over to the door, almost forgetting that she was on the phone until she heard Izzie's voice again. "Actually, Iz, tonight is fine," Meredith said.

She opened the wooden door and stared into the eyes on the other side of the thick glass door. Izzie was saying something about food or times, but Meredith really didn't hear much. "I, uh, I have to go. I'll call you once the kids get home, okay? Bye." Despite how rude it may have been to practically hang up on Izzie, Meredith's mind didn't notice it. Instead, she opened the door and let her guest in, unsure of what she should really do.

"Thanks, I thought you were just going to stand there staring at me."

Meredith smiled nervously as she shut the door behind him, "So, what exactly are you doing here?"

"You, ah, you seemed distant yesterday at the hospital. I just wanted to make sure you were really okay," Derek said as he slipped his hands into the pockets of his jeans. He looked around the house awkwardly, having too many of his own memories embedded into these walls.

Meredith nodded as she took a step towards the kitchen, "Want something to drink? Coffee, maybe?"

"Sure," Derek answered, following Meredith into the kitchen. Some things about the room were different. The table was larger and two of the chairs at booster seats strapped to them. Coloring book pages adorned the refrigerator and sippy cups and small, colorful dishes filled the sink. "You have four kids, right?"

"Yeah," Meredith answered as she reached into the top cabinet for two mugs and pulled them down. "Three girls and one little boy." She poured the coffee and handed one to Derek.

"You light up when you talk about them," Derek pointed out, smiling as Meredith led him to the table.

She sat down across from him, holding her coffee cup with both of her hands. She sipped it self-consciously, aware of Derek's steady gaze on her. She looked away from him as she placed the mug down, trying to find something in her mind to say.

"I always knew you'd be a good mother." As Derek spoke, her eyes shot towards him. He was smiling that smile she had missed for years, his eyes twinkling as always.

"Well that makes one of us," she said as she let out an uneasy laugh, "I never wanted kids, but now that I have them, I couldn't imagine my life without them." She smiled at the thought, her eyes rising to meet Derek's. That look he was giving her made her turn away, she couldn't handle looking at him that way anymore. "So, how's Addison?" That question surely wiped the smile off his face.

"What?" Derek asked, caught completely off guard. "Why would you ask me about Addison?"

"You guys were married when I left," Meredith answered without thinking. A small silence settled between them, the events of that night in the hotel room running thinly through their minds.

Derek cleared his throat to bring them back to reality, "Well, we divorced a few months later."

"Oh," Meredith said, finding the rest of her voice caught in her throat as conflicting emotions coursed through her veins. She left and then he got divorced. That was… well, frankly, that was just the way her life seemed to work.

"Yeah, she moved back to New York for a few months and then to Los Angeles. She fought him off for a few years, but her and Mark got married two years ago," Derek said as Meredith nodded, taking in the information. "I'm guess that you're married."

"Yeah. His name is Trevor," Meredith said, missing the special look in her eye that she had at the mention of her children. "What about you? You must be married by now."

"Nope," Derek answered, shaking his head before taking another drink of his coffee. "I focus on work most of the time."

"I find it hard to believe that you haven't been using your charm on some innocent woman all these years," Meredith said smiling, for the first time making their conversation a little lighter than it had been before.

Derek chuckled a little at her response, "Well, there is one girl, but we're just dating."

"Oh, really? How long?" Meredith asked. She had no idea why she was asking. She didn't want to know, but considering that he knew she was married and had four kids, she figured that she didn't deserve to be mad that he had a girlfriend.

"About a year now. Her name is Analyse," Derek said, unable to hide the smile that came to his face.

"Pretty name," Meredith responded politely. "A year, though? Sounds serious."

"Maybe," Derek said, leaving both possibilities open. Meredith couldn't decide if it was better than him saying yes or worse than him saying no. "So, where are these kids of yours?"

"Trevor took them out for the day. He decided that I needed a day by myself for some rest," Meredith answered.

"Sounds like a nice guy," Derek said, knowing the lie in his own voice.

"You have no idea."

* * *

As Derek walked down the few steps towards his car, Meredith watched him from the doorway. He could feel her eyes on him and he wasn't exactly sure what to make of it. Their meeting had been awkward to say the least, but it eased up slightly as it went on. Meredith talked to him a little, but Derek had to hold back so much.

He opened the door of his Black Mercedes and got in the driver's seat before letting himself look back. Meredith's vacant eyes looked like she was lost and looking for salvation just beyond that window and it broke his heart. He had seen her files and now he had a chance to see her up close. She was battered and bruised.

Burke and Cristina had promised him that her kids were fine, but that didn't seem like enough. That man, whoever he really was, was hurting Meredith and he didn't know how long he was going to be able to stand it.

Everyone keeps telling him to let Richard deal with it for now. Meredith wouldn't lose her kids. Just by looking at her talk about them, anyone could know that. Derek should just get on her good side so she has someone to lean on when things get worse, but he wasn't completely sure how long it would be before he would break.

He finally forced himself to put his car in drive, watching her through his rear-view mirror until she was out of site. Even now it was hard to drive away from her. Especially when he knew things were going to get worse for her. A lot worse.


	28. Chapter 28: Dinner

**Chapter 28: Dinner**

"Aunt Izzie!!" a little voice sand as the little girl skipped down the familiar hallway towards the kitchen.

The wooden door to the kitchen swung open as Izzie came out and immediately copped up the little girl "Hi, Corinne! I missed you soo much!" she said as she hugged the girl tightly.

"Good, then you can have her," Cristina said as she walked past Izzie into the kitchen.

"It's nice to see you too Cristina!" Izzie answered sarcastically, used to ignoring Cristina after many years of her comments.

"Thanks for inviting us, Iz," Burke said as he walked up, kissing Izzie on the cheek, his arms full with grocery bags.

"Oh, you brought wine!" Izzie said as she stole a glance at one of the bags, then following him into the kitchen, placing Corinne on the light green counter top.

"Of course," Burke replied as he began unloading the grocery bags, "Wine is essential to cooking."

"Come on, let's go find you Uncle Alex and leave Betty Crocker and Rachel Ray alone," Cristina said as she picked up her daughter and carried her out of the room.

"So, what's on the menu for desert tonight?" Burke asked as he flipped on the small kitchen radio sending classical music through the air. It was obvious that Burke was used to cooking in the Karev kitchen.

Izzie began adding ingredients from the refrigerator to Burke's collection on the counter before responding, "Chocolate Swirl Cheesecake!"

"Hmmm, you haven't made that in a long time," Burke commented as he took out a saucepan from one of Izzie's bottom cabinets.

"I know, but cheesecake is Meredith's favorite."

Burke stopped and looked strangely at Izzie, "Meredith is coming?"

"Yeah, her whole family. Is that a problem?" Izzie asked, Burke's reaction making her a little worried.

"No, no," he answered quickly, brushing it off as he grabbed a cutting board and began to prepare the vegetables.

Izzie watched him for a moment, but wasn't convinced. "Are Mer and Cristina on speaking terms?"

"They're fine," Burke answered, "Let's just get back to making dinner."

"No," Izzie said quickly, grabbing the knife out of his hand and pointing it at him, "Preston Burke, there is something here that you aren't telling me. I suggest you tell me right now, before my other guests arrive," she asked sternly.

Burke looked down at the knife and then back up at Izzie's stubborn face, "Her husband just doesn't seem to fit in with us very well."

Izzie nodded at his answer and then realized what she was doing. She quickly placed down the knife and walked calmly over to the refrigerator to busy herself with the cooking, "Oh, okay."

"Stevens?" Burke asked as he began cutting the vegetables again.

"Yes?"

"Never hold a knife to me again."

"Yeah, okay, Dr. Burke," Izzie agreed quickly as she moved over to her own counter space to begin preparing her part of the meal. "When you say he doesn't fit in, what exactly do you mean?" Izzie asked, still not satisfied with his answer.

"He is… ah…."

_Ding! Dong!_

"Oh, that must be Meredith now!" Burke said as he dumped the peppers he'd been cutting into a small bowl. He quickly dried his hands and led Izzie out of the kitchen to get the door.

* * *

Burke opened the door, immediately pulling Meredith into a hug. "It's been quite a while, Meredith," he said as they pulled apart.

"Yeah, I guess it has," she said with a smile as she stepped into the house and was immediately pulled into Izzie's embrace.

Burke nodded slightly at the man that followed Meredith in, pushing their children into the small foyer. He didn't go as far as to introduce himself, but politely shut the door behind the man and moved next to Cristina once she entered the room.

"I didn't know you were coming," Cristina said, she was facing Meredith as she said it, but for some reason, the comment seemed more directed at the man standing next to her.

Meredith smiled slightly at Cristina as a small silence filled the room, "Oh, sorry, I want you all to meet my husband," Meredith said realizing what everyone was waiting for, "This is Trevor Douglas."

The silence returned momentarily until Izzie stepped up, slightly concerned by her friend's behavior, "It's great to meet you Trevor. I'm Izzie Karev and this is my husband Alex," she said, as she shook his hand, Alex doing the same after. "And this is Cristina and Preston Burke," she continued, still not exactly sure what was going on. "They're daughter Corinne is around here somewhere."

Meredith smiled as she felt something around her leg. She looked down and smiled at her son, who Trevor quickly scooped up. "This is our littlest, Brayden," Meredith introduced as the shy little boy hid his face in his father's neck.

"He's a little shy to say the least," Trevor said, "He'll probably warm up to you all once he's known you guys for awhile."

"He's so cute," Izzie said sweetly, looking at Alex and obviously hinting at a few things.

"The blond curly one hiding back there behind Trevor's leg is Cassidy. She's probably just as shy as her little brother," Meredith continued, "And this is Madelyn," she said looking down at the girl standing in front of her, "She's the oldest. And the middle girl is Hayley," she finished, gesturing to the girl standing in front of her father.

"I'm sure that Corinne will be happy to see them. She had a great time with them at the zoo," Burke said, "If you all want to go see her, she's in there watching a movie," he suggested pointing towards Izzie's living room.

"Go ahead," Meredith encouraged quietly as her girls quickly went into the other room. "You too little boy," Meredith said as she took her son from his father's arms and put him down on the floor, "Go and have fun with the girls."

"Okay, Mommy," he said quietly before hurrying off to follow his sisters.

"Your kids are adorable!" Izzie said happily, "Why don't we all go into the kitchen and Burke and I can finish cooking our dinner."

"Okay," Burke agreed as the group began to migrate into the kitchen, him and Cristina in the back.

Just after Trevor walked through the door, Cristina grabbed Burke's arm and stopped him from entering the kitchen. The swinging door swung shut as he turned around to meet her stare, "What is he doing here?" she whispered harshly.

"I didn't know. Izzie invited them," Burke said honestly, keeping his voice down as well.

"Meredith is fine, but _him_? She invited _him_!" Cristina continued angrily.

"Well does she even know?" Burke asked, making a good point.

Cristina gave him an icy stare before pushing past him into the kitchen, mumbling something about a dire need for alcohol.

* * *

"Trust me, I've been trying to get Meredith to come back out here for years, at least for a visit. She talks about you all enough, it was obvious that she missed Seattle," Trevor said as he placed his wine glass down in front of his empty dinner plate.

"The kids are almost all asleep," Meredith said as she reentered the dinning room, "The girls are out on the couch and Brayden is cuddled up with a blanket on the armchair, still watching the movie."

"Good, maybe they'll stay asleep," Trevor, said lightly as Meredith sat down next to him and he placed his arm loosely around her chair.

Cristina caught Meredith's eye and gave her full of every word she'd yet to say, but Meredith just pulled her eyes away, brushing away hair from her face. Instead she looked at her husband who had been getting alone with the rest of the guests wonderfully all night.

"So, where did you two meet?" Izzie asked as she received her own death glare from Cristina, "I'm dying to know all the juicy details about Meredith's life that we've missed."

"Ask all the questions you want, Izzie, we have plenty of stories to share. We actually met at the hospital she worked at in D.C," Trevor said as he smiled down at his wife, "My sister had just had her second daughter and was still in the hospital. I went down to the cafeteria to get some food and I just happened to see a gorgeous woman laughing at something with her friends. Her laugh was captivating and she's had me hooked ever since."

"That's so cute!" Izzie said in a high pitch, "We knew you deserved someone like this Meredith, you just had to wait to find him!"

"I have a question," Cristina said suddenly, sitting up straight in her chair. The room became slightly quieter, seeing as Cristina had barely said a word all night. She locked her eyes on Trevor, disregarding the looks Meredith was shooting at her.

"Okay, Cristina," Trevor said, encouraging her to continue. Apparently he wasn't taking notice of the changed mood in the room.

"So, you guys got married in 2009, right?" Cristina asked, her eyes still trained on Trevor.

"Yes," he answered, his voice void of any anger or suspicion at all.

"You two have been married for what, seven years?" Cristina asked nonchalantly, trying to pretend like she wasn't going somewhere with this.

"Yes actually, and still going strong," Trevor smiled as he took Meredith's hand in his own.

"Meredith," Cristina said, for the first time looking at her friend who jumped a little, completely petrified, "How old is your daughter Madelyn?"

Meredith stayed silent at first until she felt everyone's eyes on her. "She's almost nine," she gritted through her teeth.

"Wow. Interesting," Cristina said as she stood up and stomped out of the room. Leaving everyone looking at Meredith.

"Uh…" Meredith mumbled as she looked around, her eyes purposely avoiding Trevor's, "Excuse me," she finally said before standing up and following Cristina into the kitchen.

Meredith stopped when she entered, surprised to find the room empty. She looked around until something moving outside caught her eye. She quickly found her way to the backdoor and outside. She silently followed Cristina's path until she found her friend deposited on a wooden swing.

Meredith stood in front of the swing, facing Cristina's hunched over figure. Her head was in her hands, but she wasn't moving. Meredith stood in front of her, her hair flowing in the wind of the night.

She stood in silence for a few moments, waiting for Cristina to do something, anything. She finally sighed and looked up at the clear sky, almost searching for answers that the problems plaguing her life. When the stars offered no consolation, she looked back at Cristina and began a discussion she knew she wouldn't enjoy, "That was uncalled for."

Cristina let out a somewhat sarcastic and bitter laugh as she slowly sat up straight, her hands wiping the exhaustion and stress from her face. Her eyes traveled up to Meredith's face, no real response embedded in their brown depths.

"We were having a nice dinner and you didn't need to ruin it. That is my business, my family," Meredith said, trying to maintain this strong and angered attitude that she had going for her.

Cristina stood up, almost challenging Meredith's frail and weak body, "Well, I'm sorry, I wasn't having a very nice dinner. Apparently I'm just not used to going through my life completely blind."

"I'm not blind," Meredith responded quickly as Cristina began to walk away. She stopped in her footsteps as Meredith paused, standing behind her, her breathing heavy. "I know Trevor isn't Madelyn's biological father. Trevor knows it and Madelyn knows it. It isn't a secret that you can use against my family and my marriage."

"Your marriage?" Cristina spat out as she spun around quickly. "You honestly call that a marriage? It's a sham! That guy controls you. He controls your actions, your emotions. He's abusing you, Meredith!"

As Cristina's words left her mouth, their significance began to dawn on her. As her rant ended, her temper fell and the despised emotions she'd hidden began to resurface. Her eyes leveled with Meredith's as both of their souls showed through.

Meredith took a deep breath and recovered the anger she had held only moments ago. Her stature straightened and her eyes darkened as her face began one full of hatred and betrayal, "Just stay out of my life. It has nothing to do with you." She spoke her words slowly and clearly before stepping away from Cristina and hurrying back into the house alone.


	29. Chapter 29: Belief is a Beautiful Armor

**Sorry this chapter took so long… On the bright side, it's really long and has lots of stuff going on!**

* * *

**Chapter 29: Belief is a Beautiful Armor**

"Hello, Meredith," a cheery voice said.

Meredith looked up from the sugar she was putting in her coffee to see Derek, "Oh, so you're still this happy at four in the morning?"

"Of course!" Derek said as he placed his own cup of coffee down and began adding to it, "What shouldn't I be happy about?"

"Let's see, a cranky husband, one child sick with the flu, one who you now know is allergic to strawberries, a lack of sleep, and the beginning symptoms of your child's flu. I think those are some things," Meredith listed off.

Derek just shook his head, "Your pessimistic, that's it. Me? I'm optimistic."

"No, you're quixotic," Meredith corrected.

"Exactly, optimistic," Derek smiled as he placed the top on his coffee.

Meredith just shook her head, "No, irrationally optimistic. Impractical. Stupid. Apparently Mr. Brain Surgeon needs to brush up on his vocabulary."

Derek just laughed, "You're feisty in the mornings aren't you?"

"Like you wouldn't know," Meredith quipped without even realizing what she'd said.

Derek stopped at the closed elevator and pressed the 'up' button while clearing his throat. Meredith gave him a side glance before sipping her coffee, deciding she needed to keep her mouth occupied so things like that don't continue to slip out.

* * *

"What's wrong with you?" the Chief asked as he poured himself a cup of coffee in the lounge. He took a sip before dropping the cup in the trash and shaking his head, "The people in this hospital can master any surgery imaginable, but no one can make a decent coffee. Something is wrong there." 

Derek chuckled slightly at his comment as the Chief walked over and sat down on the couch next to Derek. "You seem to be in deep thought."

"Yeah," Derek answered in airy tone as he focused his eyes straight ahead of him. He was sitting forward, his elbows on his legs, supporting his tired face.

"You and Meredith seemed to be getting along fine this morning," he commented as he sat back in the couch, watching his neurosurgeon carefully.

"Yeah," he answered more sarcastically then before. He lifted his head and turned it to meet Richard's eyes, "If I could pretend everything was fine, then I could be happy with that. I could be satisfied with joking around with her and seeing her smile. It would be enough."

"Do you really mean that?" Richard asked, seeing a vulnerable man before him. He was just as close to this situation as Derek was and in many ways, it felt familiar.

"I don't know," Derek responded as he rubbed his face tiredly with his strong hands. His phone vibrated in his pocket and he stood up, pulling it out and glancing at the text message. He put it back in his pocket and crossed the room as he looked back at the Chief, "I'm not sure if it really matters whether I mean it or not."

"It does," Richard answered surely.

Derek shrugged, "I have to go meet with the girl whom up until a couple of weeks ago I planned on spending the rest of my life with. I thought she was the best thing that had happened to me in years."

He turned to leave and made it halfway out the door when Richard's voice stopped him. "Do you still think that?"

Derek looked up at the hallway ceiling as a few nurses passed, absently buttoning the button on his lab coat. He was pausing to answer; they both knew it. But when he walked away without a word, only Richard was really ready to admit what that meant.

* * *

"Dr. Grey, that was a very successful surgery," Richard said as he walked into the scrub room. 

Meredith looked over her shoulder as she washed her hands and smiled at him, "Thank you. I'm just glad that he survived. He deserved too. He has three kids, a good wife. He deserves to be happy and healthy, you know?"

"Yes, I do," he answered as he crossed his arms and watched as Meredith dried her hands and looked at him expectantly. "Have you thought about what we discussed?"

Her stature fell slightly as the tone in the room shifted. A small silence began to grow until she stood up completely straight and regained her confidence, "Chief, I would really appreciate it if you just forgot what you found. I understand the possible consequences and the risk you and Dr. Bailey would be taking and I will speak to her myself on this subject, I just don't think that my situation is being understood or judged fairly here. I believe you all have jumped to the wrong conclusion and made your own assumptions. As doctors who are supposed to care for many people, I understand your duty in reporting this, but I'd rather you left me with this responsibility. My marriage is strong and my children are happy, healthy, and thriving. I'm fine. The first few weeks in Seattle were just part of a rough patch for my family, but everyone gets through those. I really hope you can trust me on this and let me handle this. I'm an adult and a mother. You don't need to look after me. That's my job."

Richard was slightly surprised by her confidence and conviction in her words. He had expected her to stutter or ramble, but she had grown up more than he had given her credit for. Despite his intentions he found himself nodding, "Okay. I'm going to trust you in that you handle this yourself. No matter how you handle it, you aren't alone here. People will be looking after you."

"I understand," Meredith responded.

"I don't need to look after you, but you need to look after your children. And if you don't, someone else will have to," Richard finished before exiting the scrub room, feeling like he had already made a dire mistake.

* * *

"Cassidy! Hurry up! We're going to be late!" Meredith yelled up the stairs before going back into the kitchen where her other three children were waiting. She was on automatic as she normally was on Tuesday nights, one of the busiest nights in their household. She grabbed Brayden's shoes and immediately bent down to tie them on him as he sat at the kitchen table coloring. 

"Mom, I'm going to be late for ballet," Madelyn complained as she zipped up her black bag with ballet slippers embroidered above her name.

Meredith sighed in frustration as she stood back up and grabbed coats for all of her children, "You'll be fine Madelyn I promise. Now do you remember what I told you?" Meredith asked, holding out Madelyn's jacket.

"Yes," she answered as she pulled her jacket over her dance outfit.

"Ms. Izzie will pick you up after ballet and then she'll pick Hayley up from swimming. Cassidy and Brayden will be with her while you two are gone. You guys will go back to her house until Daddy and I get home. You need to listen to Ms. Izzie and help her with your siblings, okay?" Meredith lectured as she buttoned and zipped Hayley and Brayden.

Madelyn just nodded as she pulled on her own shoes and helped her sister with her swimming stuff.

"Cassidy!" Meredith yelled as she walked back into the foyer, her little girl walking down the stairs at the same time. "Are you ready?"

"Yes! Ms. Izzie told me to bring dress up clothes so I had to pack!" she explained as she pulled a book bag down the stairs.

"Okay," Meredith said, taking the bag and ushering her children out the door.

As she buckled them all in the car and almost tripped in her new black high heels, the same question kept running through her mind, _'Of all nights, why in the world did Trevor pick the busiest one to go out?'_

* * *

Derek followed the hostess through the restaurant, searching for his date. The eloquently dim lights and soft music made the restaurant one of his favorites in Seattle and a place they commonly met for dinner. 

"Here you are, Dr. Shepherd," the hostess smiled a few feet from the table, receiving a nod from Derek.

Derek looked at his date sitting at the table and smiled. He walked over to the thin blonde before lighting up more. "Hey baby," Derek whispered as he bent down to kiss Analyse before sitting down at across from her. "Sorry I'm a few minutes late."

"No, you're just in time," she smiled as she sipped her glass of chardonnay, "So how are things at the hospital?"

"Good, but it's better to be gone," Derek answered as he placed his hand on hers.

"You look tired," she commented quietly, looking at him lovingly. He nodded in response as he took a sip from the water glass in front of him. "We didn't have to come out tonight. We could have just stayed in."

"I know, but I love coming out with you," Derek responded. "Besides, being here is relaxing."

"Good," Analyse answered as Derek took out his menu and began to go over it.

After a few minutes of light conversation, sharing the events of their day, the waiter came to take their orders. Derek ordered after Analyse, looking up at the waiter as he handed him his menu. Just beyond the waiter, Derek noticed something he hadn't before in his line of vision.

"I'll be back with your appetizer in a few moments," the waiter said before slipping away.

Derek nodded absently as Analyse politely thanked him. "So any interesting cases at the hospital, today?"

Derek shook his thoughts away as he redirected his attention on Analyse, "Can I ask you something professionally?"

Analyse's eyes narrowed as she looked at him strangely, "We've been dating for a year, practically live together, and you want to ask me something professionally?"

"Just humor me for a minute," Derek said as he sat up straighter, "You are a psychologist and I want a professional opinion."

She wasn't exactly sure what to make of his strange behavior, but she knew Derek well enough to just give into any of his weird moods. "Okay, what is your question Dr. Shepherd?" she asked in a fake professional sounding tone, trying to stifle a laugh.

"Be serious here," Derek snapped jokingly, "This is serious, and so you need to be serious."

"Okay, I'm serious," she answered, returning to her normal voice, "I'm ready."

"Why would a woman who is being abused stay with the husband that is abusing her?" Derek asked seriously.

To say the least, Analyse was a little surprised by the question, but she ignored the surprise and went on. "Derek, that question isn't easily answered."

"Give me anything you've got," Derek said. _Because it's better than anything I've got._

"It really depends on the woman, her state of mind, the situation. There are so many things that are weighing in on this. I can't just answer this question, and as her neurosurgeon you can't either. You don't know her. I'm guessing she's been severely hurt, since she's one of your patients, but all you can do is lead her to help. Alert the authorities, encourage her to get out of the situation without overstepping your bounds, and help her get help," Analyse explained the best she could. There was something about the way that Derek was looking at her that was bugging her, or maybe it was the way he wasn't looking at her. He'd been acting a little distant for a while now, but he hadn't really been any less affectionate or given her any reason to believe that she was at fault, so she had blamed it on his long hours. But now that look in his eyes was making her wonder again. Maybe something else was wrong, something she hadn't accounted for.

When Derek didn't respond to her, she continued, "Derek, do you know something that is being hurt? Someone that isn't a patient?"

"No," Derek answered quickly, hoping to stifle any ideas she had running through her head. "Just a case I'm close to."

"You have to separate yourself, Derek. You can't save the whole world. You're only one man," Analyse said, worry in her voice. "Please don't hurt yourself over this."

"No, I'm fine," Derek said, attempting to assure her, but failing miserably. "It's just a case. I am separate from it. I'll be fine."

Analyse didn't respond this time, deciding that she wasn't going to let this escalate to some stupid fight. Instead, she sat back in her chair in silence and waited until the appetizer came to their table.

Derek sighed as they both began eating, "I'm sorry, I just worry about my patient's, you know?"

"You have nothing to be sorry for," Analyse said reassuringly, "This makes you a good doctor, it makes you, _you_. I just worry about you sometimes. You work too hard."

"I'll be fine," Derek said again, attempting to make them both believe it, "Let's just enjoy our night."

* * *

"Ms. Cristina?" 

"What?" Cristina snapped, almost letting herself feel sorry for it afterwards as she looked at the little girl across the kitchen. "What do you need?" she asked, this time in a nicer tone, "Izzie will be back soon enough. She only had to pick your sister up from soccer practice."

"I know," Madelyn said as she walked across the kitchen and pulled herself up on to a barstool, facing Cristina as she leaned against the counter, a bottle of wine to her left and some chips to her right. Very classy.

"You take ballet?" Cristina asked, nodding to Madelyn's bag sitting across the kitchen in one of the white kitchen table chairs.

"Yeah. I used to take tap too, but ballet takes up a lot of my time. I can't wait to start point," she answered.

Cristina barely nodded in response as she took a sip of the wine. "Are you good at it?"

"Yes. I'm going to have a solo in my recital. No girls my age get to do that," she explained, "It's kind of simple though."

"But your good?" Cristina asked again.

"Yes."

"Okay, then I can accept it," Cristina shrugged. "And it's Cristina. I'm not old. No reason to call me Miss anything."

"Okay," Madelyn answered quickly. "Where is Corrine?" she questioned, hoping to not run out of conversation too quickly.

"With her father," Cristina answered quickly, taking a few chips and turning the bag towards Madelyn, offering her some.

Madelyn took a few of the Doritos and they ate in silence for a few moments. After mustering up the courage, she began to speak. "I think I can trust you," Madelyn said carefully, not completely sure how to approach this woman. To say the least, she was not very much like her mother.

Cristina almost showed her surprise, but hide it from her face, taking another sip of wine. "Well, you seem smart enough. I guess I can trust you too."

"You know, my Mom really likes you. She said you were her best friend," Madelyn explained, her words and tone passing those of a ten year old.

Cristina let out a somewhat bitter laugh in response, only downing the rest of her wine glass. "Your mother used to be my person."

"Your person?" Madelyn asked.

"My sister, my family. Surpasses best friend," Cristina explained rapidly, draining the words of most sentimental value as she spoke.

"Oh," Madelyn responded as she looked down at her hands, her light honey hair following down across her face. A few moments passed before she looked back up at Cristina, "You know, I'm named after you."

"Really?" Cristina asked, sounding as though she didn't care. Suddenly, however, she thought she did.

"Madelyn Cristina Douglas."

"Douglas, huh?" Cristina commented, more to herself than Madelyn.

"Yes, that's my name. Ever since my Mom married him when I was two," Madelyn explained, "My last name was Grey before that."

"Oh," Cristina said, for once failing at trying to sound disinterested and unaffected.

"I know you want to ask. You might as well," Madelyn said, "I heard you and my Mom the other night."

"You did?"

"Yes."

Cristina stood up straight and filled her wine glass to the brim. She then put the cork back in the wine bottle before placing it in the refrigerator. Madelyn stayed silent, figuring that Cristina wanted to think. It was obvious that she wasn't expecting Madelyn to talk about things like this; it was also obvious that she didn't know Madelyn very well.

She continued her little cleaning charade by closing the chips and putting them away, followed by wiping the condensation from the wine bottle and the chip crumbs off of the counter before finally finding her place in front of Madelyn again.

"Do you know who your father is, Madelyn?"

"Can I ask you a question first?" Madelyn asked, wringing her little hands in a way that mirrored her mother perfectly.

"Okay," Cristina agreed, raising her glass to her lips.

"Cristina, do you know a man named Derek?"

Cristina choked on her wine, almost spitting it out when the question slipped out of Madelyn's lips. Without a verbal response, Madelyn had her answer. It was obvious Cristina knew. How could she not?

Cristina quickly wiped her mouth with her sweatshirt sleeve as she regained her composure, "Yes, I do."

"Could you tell me about him?"

She hesitated at first. This really wasn't her place. Meredith made it very clear that this was very far from her place. But then again, when has Cristina been afraid of Meredith? Maybe she's not, maybe she's just afraid for Meredith.

Even then, this was crossing a boundary. A line. A very thin line. Cristina knew it, but she wasn't planning on letting it stop her. After all, she wasn't going to cause any damage.

Cristina walked around the counter, her wine glass in hand and took the seat next to Madelyn at the small bar. "So you want to know about Derek Shepherd?" Cristina asked, probably giving more information with that one question that she should be giving at all. Madelyn nodded and Cristina continued, "He's a brain surgeon. One of the best. People come from all over the world to see him. He's completed successful surgeries that other surgeons couldn't even dream of. He's practically married to the hospital. Donates money to it and a million other charities. He spends hours and hours at the hospital. He's well liked and respected."

Madelyn listened carefully, taking in every syllable separately and memorizing every single letter. It was important to her. Probably more important than it should be.

You had to give Cristina credit. It took a lot out of her to blatantly compliment Derek like that. Seriously, it really did. She practically hated that man and she was acting like the leader of his fan club, but she had her reasons and this felt like it was worth it. Maybe Cristina Yang-Burke had a heart after all.

"I'm back!" Izzie said as she swung the door open that led from the garage to the kitchen. "And I brought another little Douglas with me."

"Hi Maddie!" Hayley said as she walked into the kitchen in her soccer gear, holding her ball in her hands. "Guess what! I scored today!"

"Good job," Madelyn said with a smile, encouraging her little sister. "We should get you cleaned up so that you don't ruin Ms. Izzie's house," she continued as she stepped down from the stool.

"No, no," Izzie said as she grabbed a water bottle out of the refrigerator for Hayley, "Madelyn you go back to doing whatever you and Cristina were doing. I'll take care of Hayley."

"Okay," Madelyn said quietly, a little surprised.

"Come on, Hayley. Let's get you upstairs," Izzie said as she ushered the girl out of the room.

As the room fell silent again, Cristina got a little more uncomfortable than she wanted to. She stood up just in the interest of movement and decided to place her half-empty wine glass in the sink. Somehow, drinking didn't seem all that fun or satisfying anymore. "So, you said you have a recital coming up?"

Her question relaxed the atmosphere and gave Madelyn reassurance. This conversation was theirs. It was private. She was right. She could trust Cristina. Not even her mother had to know. "Yeah, in a few weeks."

"I might just have to find a way to get there," Cristina said, before leading Madelyn back into the living room to play with her sister and brother.

* * *

_Belief is a beautiful armor  
but makes for the heaviest sword_

Analyse's eyes flickered up at Derek. She was used to him always meeting her gaze lovingly. That was the man she knew. But that's not who he was tonight. His eyes were fixated on something behind her. Part of her just wanted to turn around a find out what it was, but something stopped her.

"I'm going to go to the restroom, okay? I'll be back in a second," Analyse said, excusing her self from the table. She really just wanted to breathe. As the night went on, she continued to get tenser. She just wanted to breathe.

"Okay," Derek answered as he placed his water glass down. He felt like crap. He was making this night horrible for her and he was trying his hardest not to. His mind was just on the other side of the room. He didn't mean for it to be that way, it was just the way it was. Analyse could go home tonight and Derek wouldn't have to worry too much about her safety. This, however, was different.

_Like punching underwater  
you never can hit who you're trying for_

Derek watched intently across the room. So far from he could tell, the night had been full of light conversation, subtle glances, and sly smiles. It was enough to make him sick. He hated that man with a passion and he'd yet to meet him.

The way he ate dinner with her and talked with her as thought it was nothing. He didn't appreciate it. He didn't appreciate her. He slapped her around. Just thinking that almost sent Derek running to the toilets again. This whole ordeal was sickening. No wonder he'd barely touched his food. This was too much for him.

Strangely, the mood shifted. It was sudden. It didn't really seem to make much since either. From where he was sitting, he couldn't really hear what was happening, but their body language was enough. Meredith was slipping into her hollowed out shell and this man was transforming. Derek couldn't just sit and watch this.

_Some lead the exhibition  
and some have to know they tried_

As he stood up and walked over to the table, he tried to come up with a plan. What was he going to do? He couldn't just prance into her life and be her night and shinning whatever. She wouldn't let him. At least he knew that much.

The second she looked up and saw him coming her way; he momentarily had a feeling of hope. Maybe she wanted him to do something.

But then that moment was gone. Her face was titled down and her eyes were glancing up, begging him silently to go away. She wasn't even listening to what her husband was saying anymore. She was just dead set on getting Derek to stay away.

_It's the chemical weapon  
for the war that's raging on inside_

"Dr. Grey! It's nice to see you outside of the hospital," Derek said in the best, confident and relaxed voice that he could muster up. Pretend like he was not involved, that was his plan. Maybe that way he wouldn't look suspicious in this man's eyes.

_Oh, everyone believes  
from emptiness to everything_

"Dr. Shepherd," Meredith finally mustered out after a few moments, trying her hardest play along.

"And you must be her husband. It's Trevor Douglas, correct?" Derek asked, offering his hand as he plastered on a professional smile.

"It is, actually," Trevor said, his demeanor completely shifting to a perfectly civil and polite man. "And you are…."

"Derek Shepherd, one of your wife's colleagues, actually," he explained.

"Oh," Trevor said, eyeing Meredith strangely. That worried Derek. Maybe this wasn't a good idea. Maybe this was a mistake.

"Yes, he's actually the Head of Neurosurgery. Next in line for Chief," Meredith said flatteringly.

"Yeah, well, I've been next in line for quite some time. Chief Webber will always be Chief Webber. It wouldn't be Seattle Grace without him," Derek said, trying his hardest to stay lighthearted. He had to resist the urge to punch this guy in the face.

"Sorry to be rude. Dr. Shepherd, but we were just about to get home to our kids. We are already late picking them up," Trevor began as he reached for his wallet.

"Well, it was nice seeing you two tonight," Derek said politely, "I'll see you at work Dr. Grey."

"You too," she whispered, scared of so many things in this moment.

Derek ushered himself away from the table, taking his seat. His eyes stayed glued to them. That had been completely and utterly pointless. He didn't get her away from him and he didn't get her to talk to him. He just went over there and looked like an idiot. And now they were leaving. They were going home; where he could do whatever he wanted to her.

But then he got an idea.

_Oh, everyone believes  
and no one's going quietly_

Derek quickly pulled out his cell phone and called the Chief's assistant. They knew each other well enough now that she'd help him out. As Derek closed his cell phone, he watched Meredith and Trevor stand up to leave. Meredith grabbed her jacket and began to put it on when her pager went off. She looked at it and looked up to Trevor, explaining herself.

Derek watched as anger passed over her husband's face, but he controlled himself. He watched as she kissed him lightly on the cheek and hurried out of the restaurant.

Derek's eyes followed her as Trevor turned and looked at the man staring at his wife. Trevor was smarter than Derek was giving him credit for. He could put the pieces together himself. And across the restaurant near the bathrooms, Analyse began to notice a few other things as well.

_Is there anyone you can remember  
ever surrender with their life on the line?_

* * *

**The song is pieces of Belief by John Mayer. I know the song is actually about war, but I switched the order of the lyrics a little to make it fit!**

**Hope you all are enjoying the story!  
Thanks sooo much for all of the wonderful reviews!**


	30. Chapter 30: Torn

**Ivy- I absoluetly love the song 'Face Down,' actually, it was kind of an inspiration for this fic! I've tried to work it in many times, but I'm sure I will be able to eventually!!**

**Thank you all for reading & reviewing! **

* * *

**Chapter 30: Torn**

Meredith hurried into the hospital, as her pager went off again. She hurried onto the elevator and got off on the surgical floor. As she crossed the hallway, she came face to face with Dr. Bailey.

"What are you doing here?" Dr. Bailey snapped, a scowl on her face.

"Uh, I got paged," Meredith mumbled, feeling the insecurities of an intern come back to her.

"By?" she snapped again. It was clearly not one of Bailey's brighter days.

"The Chief," Meredith answered as her pager went off again.

Bailey grunted to herself, "The Chief left a few hours ago. He was forced to go to one of his niece's pageants."

Meredith's forehead wrinkled in confusion as her pager went off again. "Well, I… uh…"

"What is this I hear about you telling the Chief what laws he should and shouldn't follow?" Dr. Bailey asked, crossing her arms in front of her chest, her face hard. "Whether you like it or not, something is going to be done here."

"Excuse me?" Meredith asked, for the first time almost getting snappy with Dr. Bailey.

"Look, you can put yourself in harms way all you want. Be an idiot, I don't care, but you are not putting your children there," Bailey said harshly. Her strong convictions were just as evident as always and were beginning to draw some attention from the few late night employees. She hushed her tone and narrowed her eyes as she looked at Meredith hard, fighting herself to not let her motherly side show. She needed to be tough, "Today he might not be hurting them, but I'm betting there was a day that he wasn't hurting you either and I'm not about to lose my medical license over this, understand?"

Meredith didn't respond at first, almost petrified by Bailey's words. She wasn't used to people knowing what was going on. It was so much easier when it was her little secret. It was so much easier to bear when people weren't shoving it in her face or pitying her. She just wanted life to go on as if everything was fine, but no one else would allow her to. Nothing was going the way it was supposed to when she came to Seattle.

"Did you hear me?" Bailey snapped again, feeling her disposition ready to fall.

"Uh, yes, I heard you," Meredith answers quickly, "But I would ask the same of you that I did of the Chief," she continued, slowly gaining her strength, "Just give me some time to handle my family. Then do as you please, but just give me some time."

Before Bailey can answer Meredith's pager goes off again and Bailey's is soon to follow. Without another word, they both left, going down the hall in different directions.

* * *

As Meredith made her way to the Chief's office, she found his assistant organizing some things on her desk. When she caught sight of Meredith, she paused and smiled at her, "I'm just on my way out," she explained, "You can go on in if you'd like, he'll be right with you."

"Thank you," Meredith replied before walking into the Chief's office, assuming that he had returned to the hospital under Bailey's radar. She sat down on the comfortable couch in the office, her heels already tiring her feet from the night.

A few minutes passed in silence before the door slowly opened. As Derek walked in, he expected to be met with yelling of some time, or at least an icy glare. Instead the room was dead silent. He looked at Meredith on the couch, her head balanced on her hand and her eyes shut. She'd fallen asleep.

For a moment he was torn as to whether he should wake her up or not. After making up his mind, he went around the room, shutting the blinds of the windows. Then he gently laid her out on the couch, placing her head on the small throw pillow. He grabbed the blanket he knew the Chief kept in his closet for late nights and gently rested it on her.

In the light dim of the night, she looked like she had ten years ago. Her bruises were faint and her body looked calm. The stress of her four children was barely noticeable as her chest rose and fell gently, her mind falling into a deeper sleep than she had for a long time.

Satisfied with what he had done, Derek bent down and kissed her goodnight gently on her forehead. He took one more look at her innocent body before turning the room and leaving, deciding to give Richard a call.

* * *

After letting Richard know of Meredith's situation, Derek changed out of his suit and put on a pair of scrubs before finding his way back to Richard's office. He carefully opened the door, making sure he didn't disturb her. As he shut the door behind him, the room darkened and she adjusted in her sleep.

Derek meticulously found his way over to the relaxed blue chair sitting next to the couch Meredith was lying on. He sat down silently, sitting on the edge of the seat, if only to place him closer to her. He leaned forward in the night, his hand threatening to graze her face.

Ten years had been a long, painful time. It felt as though it had all been spent underwater, stretching painstakingly on, but now it was gone in a flash. She had aged slightly, but it was barely noticeable. All Derek saw was her bruised complexion that hid a radiant smile.

In all of the years that they'd been apart, he only regretted not leaving Addison every minute. He had eventually, but his timing was off. He had been too late. He knew he was too late the second that Meredith had left the hotel room that night. He had taken advantage of her love for him. He had sucked it dry until there was nothing left for her to hang on to. It was the biggest mistake of his life.

It hadn't taken him too long to figure that out either. There was the shock factor immediately after she disappeared down the hallway and out of Seattle. He couldn't fathom his life without her. He didn't treat her the way he should have and she didn't know how strongly he really did love her and need her. She was his breath of fresh air, his guiding light. She was the reason he woke up in the morning, even if he was lying next to a redhead. He'd been so torn between his obligations and his emotions that he had forgotten to listen to his heart. Even his head was telling him to go to Meredith in the moments of the day that he had let himself contemplate the situation he had put her in. Something, whatever it was, kept him from doing it.

After a few months without Meredith, Addison finally mentioned the change in him. She didn't link it to Meredith's disappearance, at least not verbally, but she did admit that she noticed it long before she said anything. Something about him at changed. He gave up. Addison told herself for a long time that it was something he was going through. It didn't make sense for him to take her back and then lose all interest in her. When she finally did suspect an affair, there was no evidence anymore. He really wasn't even acting like he had something to hide. He just went to work, came home, and laid around. He didn't go fishing, he didn't ride ferryboats, and he didn't go sightseeing. He didn't really smile or laugh. It seemed like the life had been sucked out of him. He had lost the joy of life.

In the day, when she thought optimistically, she couldn't understand it. Nothing seemed to explain the change in her husband, the depression that consumed his soul. People asked her questions, mainly of his dismantled demeanor. He was short and quick. Even the way he addressed his patients changed. It was like he saw no reason for anyone to like him, respect him, or even care about him. He wasn't passionate about surgery anymore. Not even the amazing, gory, rare surgeries seemed to excite him. The Clash was no longer played in his OR. His scrub caps were plain. Nothing seemed to matter anymore.

When Addison was blind, she couldn't understand it. But sometimes, she let herself actually look at her husband. His face aged overnight, wrinkling his skin with stress, worry, and frowns. His hair began to gray and he seemed to slouch more than ever. He stopped running in the morning. For as long as she knew Derek Shepherd, he had been a health freak: the kind that exercised religiously and ate only the best. He always ran in the morning, lifted weights, and then began his day with a bowl of museli. All of that came to a halt.

Then there were the days that Addison had opened her eyes and saw the truth. That's when she placed the link to Meredith, even if it was only momentarily. Derek knew the difference in those days. She became withdrawn around him, while other days she pretended that nothing changed. She acted like he still wanted to do the things he always had. She forced herself to forget reality, but he didn't participate. In a lot of ways, he was satisfied to sit around in his sorrow and miss her.

Then one day, something inside of him snapped. He had long since given up on looking for. He had no way to find her, but he knew that she would come back to him one day. Something inside of him told him that fate would bring them back together. When Burke had heard about his newfound faith in fate, he had silently assumed that Derek was just going a little bit more insane than he already had, but Burke left him alone.

With this faith, he changed his life. He started caring again. His life was put back together, piece by piece. He started caring about his physique again, about people's opinions, and about his patients. One thing that didn't change was his indifference towards Addison, and one day, without much warning, he put an end to it.

The divorce papers shocked part of her, but the part of her that had eyes wide open towards Derek during his downfall knew it was coming. She actually expected him to disappear for a few months blindly looking for her, but he didn't. Instead, he built his life up again. He was convinced that she would come back and he had decided to be the man that she fell in love with. That's who he planned to be for the rest of his life.

His life came together, and a lot of people became extremely envious. He was good looking, despite his growing age. He had women practically throwing themselves at him when he went out with his newfound friends. His surgeries were growing in number and complexity. He was being published often. He even had been offered Chief numerous times at other hospital throughout the country.

Burke kept a watchful eye on him the whole time, just as he had throughout his downfall. Even if he hadn't wanted to, Cristina would have forced him to. Cristina may act like she doesn't have a heart, but she couldn't let the man she knew her best friend love fall to pieces. It just didn't seem right. As Derek put his life back together, Burke became more worried than he or Cristina ever had been during his downfall. To Burke, it just seemed like Derek was building himself a higher mountain to fall off of and he was afraid of the crash landing.

Eventually, Derek began to notice the pitiful looks people were sending his way. Most of the hospital by now knew the reason behind his actions. They were watching a romance story play out before them and they all wanted to fast forward to the happy ending, but too many of them new that one wasn't coming. After about a year of building himself up, Derek realized it too. She wasn't coming back. He had been kidding himself. She had been gone for two years. If she were going to come back, she would have already. But she hadn't.

When reality finally struck him, it struck him hard. Still, his crash landing was a little bit more graceful than people originally expected. The first two weeks were spent drunk in his trailer. He didn't go to the hospital; he just called in sick. He didn't answer his cell phone; he found it much more satisfying to watch it ring on the counter from his self proclaimed resting place on his bed. He just drank. Mainly scotch, but he did hold down a few bottles of tequila in remembrance.

Then suddenly, something inside of him snapped again. Maybe it was the same thing that snapped before and carried him out of his original stupor. Whatever it was, he silently credited Meredith for it. It seemed like the small flicker of light inside of him that he swore was lit only by their love, no matter how sappy that sounded. Whatever it really was, it made him finally take a shower, shave, and get out of his trailer. It made him live again.

Despite the desire he found to live, he couldn't live the life he had been living for the past year, mainly because he had solely been living for Meredith. He needed new purpose. He needed a purpose, something else to keep him going. So, he surprised everyone. He joined the Peace Corps. For a few days, Cristina and Burke seriously thought that he was going insane. Neither one could understand what he was going through. Truthfully, he didn't even understand it. All he knew was that he needed answers, he needed purpose and this seemed like his only opportunity.

He spent almost another year living in a limbo. First he had to wait for the Peace Corps to receive his application. Then he had to go through medical examinations and more paperwork that took almost ten months. Then he was finally able to pack up and leave He was assigned to twenty-seven months in the Kingdom of Lesotho, a small mountainous country in South Africa. He lived among the Basotho people. The country was split by two dissecting mountain ranges from northeast to the southwest called the Maluti Range and Thaba Putsoa Range. The deep ravines and river valleys of the mountains create some of the most incredible scenery in all of Africa.

He fell in love with it all instantly. The people were grateful for his medical expertise. The small country was severely depressed by HIV/AIDS, the prevalence rate only being 30. Derek became attached to the people, not only working, but also living with them. He found many friends amongst the Basotho people; people that he will never forget. He loved every minute of his life. He had finally found purpose.

Despite the scenery and the happiness he found in Lesotho, he still missed Meredith every single day. He had pictures of her with him, but he only allowed himself to look at them when he was alone very late at night. During the day, he tried to busy his mind with his work and after awhile it started to work. Eventually, the nights he laid awake staring at her pictures and dreaming of her began to fade and become few and far between. Still, the idea of moving on broke his heart.

The twenty-seven months passed quicker than he ever thought they would and he found himself back in the Seattle airport. For some reason, he just didn't feel like he should be back yet. Instead of going to the party waiting for him at Joe's, he caught another flight to New York.

After surprising his family, he unfolded the hidden years of his life to them and completely indulged in his own past. Deciding he couldn't go back yet, he requested another assignment with the Peace Corps. He stayed with his parents in New York getting to know his family, especially his small nieces and nephews, better than ever while he waited for his assignment. After a few months he was finally sent back to Africa.

This time, Derek found himself in a country north of Lesotho called Swaziland. The greatest single problem confronting the people of Swaziland was the HIV/AIDS pandemic, with an infection rate of 42.6 of adults. Although Derek's medical expertise was just as appreciated as it had been in Lesotho, he fell in love in Swaziland, with the children. He always loved children and had always wanted them, but he never felt so attached to a child than he had in Swaziland. There, over 70,000 children had been orphaned as a result of AIDS and Derek took as many as he could under his wing. When his second twenty-seven months were over, it was harder for him to leave than it had been for him to leave Lesotho.

He had joined the Peace Corps solely looking for a meager purpose in life, but he returned to Seattle after a total four and a half years of service a changed man. He gained perspective, appreciation. He decided that even a life without Meredith was better than no life at all. Despite his changed view, his photos and thoughts of Meredith never fully disappeared, only became less important. Strangely, the biggest mistake of his life, turned out to be the exact thing that made his life and made him a man. He was never fully conscious of it, but as years went by, he began to stop needing her. He breathed for himself; he guided himself. And eventually, he learned to live for himself.

In ten years, he had done more things and been through more ups and downs than he had in the first thirty-eight years of his life. And now it seemed like he was returning to the exact place he had started: Meredith.

* * *

After about an hour of watching over her, he felt his cell phone vibrating in his pocket. Afraid of waking her, he carefully slipped out of the office before picking up his phone. "Hello?"

"Hey," Analyse answered, "I was just making sure everything was alright."

"Yeah," Derek responded as he looked through the small door window, his eyes still watching Meredith's restful body, "I think I might have to stay at the hospital tonight."

"Just make sure you get enough sleep," Analyse advised, "You already are tired, and I worry about you, so find some time to sleep, okay?"

"Okay," Derek answered, his eyes falling to the ground as he felt the guilt begin to consume him.

"I better get some sleep, I have early appointments tomorrow, but I'll see you soon, okay?" Analyse asked, her soft voice still bringing him comfort in the night.

"Yeah, okay." He felt horrible, but he still could only come up with feeble responses.

"I love you."

"Love you too," Derek said quietly before closing his phone and dropping it back in his pocket. After saying the word, his eyes went back to Meredith. Analyse loved him, she had for a long time and she was amazing. She was everything he didn't deserve, but Meredith, she needed him.

With that in mind, he slipped back into the office and got comfortable on the chair again, realizing that he wasn't going to be able to make himself leave until he knew that she was safe.


	31. Chapter 31: Threat

**Just as a warning, the last section of this chapter is in italics, so it's in the past. It really occurs when Meredith gets home from the hospital in the morning.**

* * *

Meredith opened her eyes slightly, surprised to be greeted by a dim light. She closed her eyes again, not wanting to get up, but finally pushed the covers off of herself and sat up. When she opened her eyes again, she immediately became confused.

She discovered that she was still in her outfit from the night before, heels and all. Then she looked over to her left and saw Derek asleep. His head had fallen slightly on his right shoulder, his closed eyes in her direction. His scrubs were wrinkled from his slumber. His hair was a little disheveled, one piece falling precariously close to left eye, curling across his forehead. He looked tired. He looked stressed. He looked worried.

Meredith had to swallow back a few tears as she looked at him, for the first time in a long time, really looked at him. He was everything she remembered and everything she had longed to see. His slight wrinkles and few grays peppered through his hair made no difference. He was still the man she'd fallen in love with so long ago.

She realized then what had happened. Derek had taken care of her. She had really done nothing but brush him off since she got to Seattle, but he still took care of her. He let her sleep and he watched over her. He protected her.

He protected her. And for some reason, the warm feeling that that notion usually gave her was confronted with something much colder: anxiety. Worry. Fear. She shouldn't be here. She really shouldn't be here.

That cold feeling began to grow and submerge itself in the pit of her stomach. She slowly stood up in front of the couch, her eyes almost afraid of seeing anything other than Derek's sleeping form. Carefully and quietly, she made her way across the office, praying that no one was going to notice her when she finally made her escape.

As she gripped the door handle, she looked back at Derek. Even though she was happy, she was slightly surprised that he hadn't woken up. He had always been a light sleeper, but he had yet to stir. She smiled at his serenity, knowing full well that he deserved it.

"Thank you, Derek," she whispered softly, a single tear rolling down her cheek. She wasn't really thanking him for what he did the night before. She was thanking him for so much more: for everything.

She hated that she could only whisper a thank you that he'll never hear, but it was all she had to offer. She hated that even more. With one more look at his peaceful face, she turned and left the office, unable to actually face him.

* * *

When Madelyn woke up, she knew that her mother hadn't come home yet. She knew it for two reasons: first of all, Trevor was still home and secondly, she hadn't woken up the night before. To be completely honest, it worried her that her mother hadn't come home. Prolonging the inevitable never seemed to work out nicely in this family.

The only good thing she saw in this was the time she had to prepare. Trevor was still in his room, but she wasn't sure whether he was still asleep or not. Either way, she had some time. She woke up her siblings and got them all breakfast, trying to keep them somewhat quiet and neat. There was no need to add to the fire.

After breakfast, she got Brayden to wipe off the table, Cassidy and Hayley to clean up the playroom, while she washed the dishes quickly. Once everything was tidy, she sent everyone upstairs to get dressed. Without checking their clothing selections, she had everyone meet in her room. After all, it didn't really matter how crazy the kids looked today.

Madelyn got out a few board games to keep them occupied and turned on her stereo just as the front door opened. She walked across her bedroom and shut the door, keeping a watchful eye on her unaware siblings. If she could do anything for them, she wanted to protect them from the truth.

* * *

Madelyn waited just until she hear Trevor's car pull out of the driveway. That meant it was over. One thing, however, put a stop to the next step of her routine: she never heard her mother come upstairs. He always brought her to bed afterwards, always. Something was off; something was different.

After making sure that her siblings were occupied with their games, Madelyn steeped out of her room and ventured into the hallways. She slowly walked to her parent's room, not surprised to find it empty. Carefully, she headed down the stairs, each step apprehensive. The foyer was empty, the family room clear as well. That left the kitchen.

With her hand on the kitchen door, she began to hear something from inside. She waited as she listened, hearing her mother speak quietly between her tears. Her mother was talking to someone. Madelyn began to feel something weird in the pit of her stomach. This situation just wasn't right. It wasn't normal.

* * *

Burke pulled down his newspaper, glancing over it as Cristina rushed past him, "Who was that on the phone?" he hollered from his spot in the living room to the kitchen where Cristina was doing something.

"No one," she answered quickly as she walked into the foyer, holding a cup of coffee.

"Where are you going?" he asked as she pulled on her leather jacket, almost spilling the coffee on their wood floor.

"To the hospital," she answered as she passed him again, heading over to their daughter. Corinne was sitting in front of the television playing with her toys, basically ignoring the cartoons on in front of her. Cristina bent down and kissed her daughter on the forehead, whispering something to her.

"But you aren't on call," Burke said, pulling his glasses off and setting the newspaper down.

"I know," Cristina answered as she stood up again, actually looking at Burke for the first time.

"Okay?" Burke asked, obviously not following her at all.

"Okay," she responded before kissing him quickly and hurrying out the door, "I'll be back later!"

"Okay…." Burke said confused as the door shut. He looked at his daughter who was curiously looking up at him, "So, what do you want for breakfast?"

"PANCAKES!" she squealed excitedly as she hurried into the kitchen, Burke following her.

* * *

Cristina hurried through the hospital corridor, stopping when she finally reached the OR board. She scanned it carefully, looking for his name. He was in surgery, OR 2. Satisfied that she had an answer, but not really happy with it, she hurried down the corridor to the OR.

As she walked in to the scrub room, she grabbed a mask and began to tie it on her face as she watched through the window. They were losing their patient. She was coding. Given a few minutes, they called her. Despite how horrible it may sound, Cristina was grateful.

She waited as a few surgeons scrubbed out, giving her odd looks and sideways glances. They knew her, obviously, but she was dressed in street clothes with her hair down and a mask tied around her neck. Is it even needed to say that she looked a little weird?

Impatiently, she began to tap her foot in rhythmic patterns, watching as he carefully closed up the patient's skull flap. Couldn't he just get someone else to do that? Why did he have to care so damn much? If he just left after the death like most surgeons did and let someone else close up, her task could have already been completed, but no. He was the nice guy. The guy that cared.

"Dr. Yang?" he finally questioned as he passed through the door and walked over to the sink, "Care to tell me why you're watching my OR from the scrub room dressed like that?"

She didn't say anything at first, so he looked up at her questioningly. "You have to leave," she said bluntly.

"What?" Derek asked as he stood up straight, grabbing some paper towels to dry off his hands.

"You have to leave. You have to leave and you can't go to your trailer or that apartment you share with whatshername."

"Analyse," Derek corrected, his face still confused.

"Whatever," Cristina said rolling her eyes. She obviously did not care about Analyse whatsoever.

"So, why exactly do I have to leave in the middle of my shift? And why can't I go home?" Derek asked, his back leaning against the sink as he crossed his arms in front of him, his eyes looking at her skeptically.

"Just go hang out with Burke or something. Forget the Chief, just do it," Cristina continued.

"Okay, I'll just forget my boss, risk my job, and go hang out. All because you told me to," he agreed sarcastically, "Seriously, what's going on with you?"

"Derek Shepherd, you will do it. Understand me?" Cristina said seriously as she stared him down, stepping closed to him, "You will not ask questions. You will do. Everything will make sense later. Just go to my house and stay there. Do you understand me?"

"Wait a-"

"That was a yes or no answer. It involves no other remark," Cristina interrupted.

"Okay, fine."

"Yes or no."

"Yes," he finally answered, almost getting a little ticked off at Cristina's mood. "Will Burke know what the hell is going on here?"

"I didn't say you could ask questions. Just go. Don't go to your office, don't change. Don't tell the Chief. Don't talk to anyone. Don't pass go and don't collect $200. Just get into your car and don't stop until you get to my house. Do I make myself clear?" Cristina continued, her temper continuing to rise. She wasn't even mad, at least not at Derek. She just channeled all of her negative energy towards him, and not surprisingly at all, Cristina had a lot of negative energy.

"Sure," Derek agreed hesitantly.

"Just go!" Cristina continued, pointing to the door, not caring that the few doctors left in the OR where sending her very strange looks.

* * *

_Meredith slowly opened the door, quietly shutting it behind her. The house was quiet, but she knew her kids were up doing something. She walked across the foyer, her heels clicking against the wood as she reached the kitchen. It was empty, but she could tell that her children just had cleaned it._

_She grabbed a mug out of the cabinet and poured herself a cup of coffee, slowly slipping it as she stared out the kitchen window, her mind wondering. Derek's actions were fresh on her mind, making so many things flow through her thoughts. His actions presented possibilities, possibilities she wasn't sure if she could let herself ponder. Things just weren't the way they were supposed to be._

_Finishing her coffee without even realizing it, she placed the empty mug in the sink as the kitchen door swung open. Her head turned right, watching as her husband let the door close behind him. His emotions were clear: he was mad._

_"Trevor…" she said quietly at his entrance, not sure of what move to make next. He didn't step any closer, but he couldn't harm her from over there. At least not physically._

_"Where were you?" he asked calmly. If she weren't so good at reading his emotions, she would think everything was fine. His fists weren't clenched and his face looked relaxed. But she knew, she knew it was only a matter of time._

_Meredith gripped her hands on the end of the counter, almost bracing herself. "At the hospital," she answered. It was honest, but her shaking voice betrayed her candor._

_His cynical laugh frightened her in the strange quietness of their house. He took one step closer, not even reaching the kitchen table. He was still too far. "How long did you think it would take for me to find out?" he asked, amusement in his voice._

_"Find out?" she asked quizzically, her voice stronger than before._

_"This is how you repay me for picking my whole life up and moving across the country? Do you think this is fair for me?" he spat out angrily as his fist clenched at his sides._

_"Fair for you?" she asked mockingly, letting go of the counter as she held herself up, "What about our life is fair to me?"_

_"Now your ungrateful?" he asked, raising his voice as he took another step, lining up with the chair at the end of the table. "And who said you could speak to me like this? That doctor is planting seeds in your mind, isn't he? He's telling you all these wonderful things about how your life could be. Harmonious, equal, beautiful. It's all a wonderful picture, isn't it?!"_

_"Trevor, stop it!" she ordered, speaking to him in a way she hadn't for a long time. "You don't even know what your talking about! There is no affair! There is no doctor, no wonderful pictures!"_

_"Don't you dare raise your voice to me!" he bellowed, shutting her up instantly. "You will not cheat on me, cheat on this family. Do you understand me? If this family falls apart, it's on you! You're ruining it, not me. It's on you!"_

_"I didn't-"_

_"Did I say you could speak?" he asked rhetorically, getting closer to her now trembling body. "I saw a look pass between you two last night. He was watching you from across the restaurant the entire evening! And then you say you have to go to the hospital? Bull crap! You're cheating on me right in front of my face!"_

_"Trev-"_

_"Shut up!" he yelled, finally reaching her after his slow and steady pace across the kitchen floor, "I don't even know why he would want you! You're a mess. You're bawling. You're always crying, messing up, screwing things up for this family. What the hell is wrong with you? I don't even know why I married you!"_

_"Please stop," Meredith mumbled through her tears, her back against the counter now as he stood inches from her face. She braced herself with her hands, but she was ready to collapse._

_"His name is Derek Shepherd, isn't it?" he asked, although it was clear that he didn't want an answer. "This Derek Shepherd has something coming to him and he should know it. He'll get what he deserves for messing around with my wife, no matter how worthless you may be! He'll get what is coming to him and then you'll get what's coming to you!"_

_She squeezed her eyes shut as his voice blared through her ears, every word burning to her brain. She was preparing herself. She was expecting the pain, the burning sensation from his hand colliding with her face. She was waiting for it. The sooner it started, the sooner it would be over._

_"Get the kids out of the house!" he demanded, surprising her. "When I get back, I want the kids out. Do you understand me? They don't need to see what a worthless piece of shit their mother is!" She opened her eyes, not expecting a single thing he was saying. "You'll pay for this Meredith. No one disrespects me like this. You are such an ungrateful piece of shit and I'm going to make sure you know how a piece of shit feels."_

_His face inched closer to hers and she cringed, squeezing her eyes shut again and bracing herself, but nothing happened. He pulled away and walked out of the kitchen without another word. He crossed the foyer and slammed the front door shut before pulling out of the driveway and speeding down the road._

_He was gone. He was gone and she was still okay._

_She let herself fall to the floor almost instantly, sobs overtaking her body. She let herself fall apart. She didn't know what else to do. Then everything he said started to click in her mind: Derek._

_Crawling across the floor, she reached up and grabbed the phone before letting herself curl up against the wall. She dialed Cristina's cell phone number and prayed that everything would be okay. She needed for him to be okay._


	32. Chapter 32: Surrender

**Sorry this kind of took awhile. Luckily, it is SUPER long. Like 14 pages on Word!**

* * *

"You're letting her get hurt."

The Chief looked up from his desk to see a somber woman standing in his doorway. His brows furrowed in response as he stacked a few papers, "Dr. Bailey?" he questioned.

"You're letting her get hurt," she repeated as she entered the room, walking slowly over to his desk.

"And by 'her'?"

"Meredith," she supplied quickly. "Meredith Gre- or Douglas. You're letting her get hurt."

The Chief sighed as he stood up, "She wants to handle her family herself and I have to give her that. She's an adult. She has four kids. I can't try to protect her like I used to. I'm not her father."

Bailey looked the Chief over, disappointed in his response, "She used to look up to you. You know you were her only father figure."

Richard didn't respond as Bailey turned to leave. She walked across the office and Richard sat back down and picked up his pen, reading to return to his paperwork.

Bailey stopped in the door. She stood there for a moment before finally turning around and looking back at the Chief, "As a person, you want them to be happy. You want them to like you," she spoke easily from experience, her wisdom clear. "You don't want to do things that will make them hate you, even if they need it." The Chief began to speak, but her expression silenced him, "As a parent, you must do it anyway."

Before she gave him a moment to speak, she continued down the hall, leaving him by himself. He just stare in front of him, his mind far from the papers spread out in front of him.

* * *

"Derek, I'm surprised to see you here," Burke said as he opened his wooden front door wide and let Derek in.

"I'm surprised to be here," Derek admitted as he pulled off his jacket and hung it up like he always did.

"Corrine and I were just making breakfast if you'd like to join us," Burke invited as he led Derek to the house's kitchen, "So, what brought you here?"

"Your wife forced me," Derek said as he ruffled Corinne's hair affectionately as he passed. She just looked up at him and smiled before getting back to pouring syrup on her pancakes.

"I think that's enough sugar for a few days," Burke said, taking the syrup out of her hands and taking it back to the refrigerator. "Cristina forced you here?"

"Yeah," Derek answered as he leaned against one of the counters, "She came into my scrub room, probably put a curse on my patient, and then waited until we called it. I went to scrub out and she started yelling at me to get out of the hospital and come here. I'm not aloud to go home."

"And you listened to her?" Burke asked amused as he poured to cups of coffee and a cup of juice for his daughter.

Derek nodded, "I was kind of afraid not to."

"Any idea what it was about? She kind of left in a hurry this morning, she was acting a little strange," Burke said as he led them over to the kitchen table and handed him his coffee.

"I was actually going to ask you that."

"Well, I'm sure she'll have an interesting explanation when she gets home today," Burke said pulling some pancakes out of the stack for him and then some for Derek.

"She better."

* * *

"Mommy?" Madelyn asked quietly, finally finding the courage to enter the kitchen despite her mother's sobs.

Meredith tried her hardest to stop her crying, as she wiped her face, searching for words. "Maddie? Is that you, honey?"

"Mommy?" Madelyn asked again as she crossed the kitchen, finding Meredith sitting on the floor, defeated. Her head was resting against the wooden cabinet, her legs drawn up to her chest protectively, "Mommy?"

"Come here, honey," Meredith said as she held her arms out. Her little girl came running into her arms, cuddling close to her mother. The little girl who held the weight of the world on her shoulders felt protected by her mother's arms instantly. She was able to relax and breathe.

"Mommy? Are you okay?" Madelyn whimpered, showing her vulnerability through her voice. She was scared despite the role she played in front of her siblings. She was mortified.

"I'm fine, baby," Meredith whispered, holding her baby tightly to her body, slowly rocking her as she ran her hair through her wavy honey hair. "You okay, little girl?"

Madelyn wordlessly shook her head, burying it farther into her mother. She was willing the world away, wishing that everything were really okay.

Moments passed in silence as Meredith fought back her tears as she thought about what her life had amounted to. She hated it, she hated all of it, but that didn't seem to matter. She couldn't make it any better.

"Mommy?" Madelyn asked quietly, slowly pulling her head away from her mother, but staying securely in her arms.

"What, honey?" Meredith said softly, brushing her daughter's hair out of her face.

"Tell me about Seattle like you used to, tell me about Daddy. It used it always make you feel better," Madelyn said as she relaxed again, cuddling into her mother's weak body.

"I don't think it would help this time, baby," Meredith whispered, still slowly rocking back and forth.

"Mommy," Madelyn continued, "You told me that whenever I feel lonely or scared, to think about you and Daddy. To think about the people that love me most. You said that when you were scared you thought about Daddy."

A tear escaped Meredith as Madelyn spoke, "I know honey," she finally said, deciding to listen to her own advice. "Okay," she started, clearing her voice of her tears, "In Seattle, your Daddy would always take me on the ferryboats," she said soothingly, calming her little girl. Madelyn cuddled into her mother again, listening quietly. "We rode it at the night mostly. Your Daddy loved to look up at the stars. He'd wrap his arms around me and tell me he loved me, that the stars were nothing compared to me." Letting go of her daughter slightly, Meredith wiped her tears away as they continued to flow down her face now as she relieved moment after moment in her mind.

"Mommy? Did Daddy love me?" Madelyn asked quietly, innocence on her tongue.

Meredith held her daughter a little tighter, "Of course he did, baby. You're his everything."

They rocked in silence, healing just a little bit until the doorbell interrupted them. Meredith stood up with Madelyn in her arms, gently setting her on her feet. She bent down to her daughter's level and smiled at her, "Everything's going to be fine. I promise." Madelyn nodded as Meredith wiped away her young tears. "Now, go upstairs and back an overnight bag for yourself okay? Get your ballet things together too."

"Why?" Madelyn asked, "It's still early."

"I know, honey," Meredith answered as the doorbell rang again, "But I need you to do this for me, okay?"

"Okay," Madelyn said before turning around and heading towards the stairs.

Slowly, Meredith stood back up and wiped her own face the best she could, hoping that the redness wouldn't be too obvious, before finally walking into the foyer. She opened the door and Cristina walked in.

"This is stopping, right now," Cristina said bluntly.

"Cristina, my children are upstairs. Please don't start a fight right now," Meredith said tiredly, "Did you get Derek?"

"Yes, I kicked him out of his OR. He's at my house with Burke right now, probably pissed off," Cristina said as Meredith shut the door and led her to the living room.

"Since when have you cared about someone being pissed off at you?" Meredith asked honestly.

"I don't."

Meredith sat down and Cristina followed, "I hate to ask anymore of you-"

"But you're going to anyways," Cristina interrupted, making it clear that they weren't find yet.

Meredith took another breath and tried again, "I really don't want to, but I was hoping you'd take Madelyn for the night. She needs to go to ballet, but I don't think I can get her there tonight."

"You are seriously going to tell me that ballet is the reason you want her at my house for the night?" Cristina asked knowingly.

"Cristina," she sighed, pleading.

Cristina just looked at her soberly, not giving her any visual pity.

"Trevor would never hurt his own child," Meredith explained, her eyes on her fiddling hands in her lap, "He would never put them in any danger," she continued, "But Maddie," she said, finally looking up, "Maddie isn't his daughter. She isn't and I don't… I just… I can't put her in that situation. I just don't know… I don't know what he'd do… and I'd never forgive myself.. if… if something were to happen. I can't let anything happen to her… she's my life. Madelyn… she holds me up… I couldn't make it through the day without her."

Cristina stared at her friend silently. Every word that Meredith said was soaked in sorrow and guilt. She was begging and Cristina was getting weaker by the second. Everything that was going on had been chipping at her, and she was finally ready to break. The pain in Meredith's eyes was just too much.

"Okay," Cristina said simply, surprising Meredith for her compassion. "But only because she claims to be good at this ballet thing and I need to see for myself. Otherwise, it would be a waste of my time to come to her recital. She better be good."

"She is," Meredith answered, a little calmer. Now that was more like Cristina.

"Okay, Mommy. I'm packed. Where are we going?" Madelyn asked as she walked into the living room, "Oh, hi Cristina."

"Miss Cristina," Meredith corrected.

"No," Cristina said, "I told her to call me Cristina."

Meredith smiled at Cristina, "Maddie, you're going to stay with Cristina for the night."

"I need to see your ballet moves. You better be good," Cristina said with a smirk.

"All right," Meredith said as she stood up, "I need to go see my other kids. I haven't seen them all day."

"Go ahead and put your bag by the car," Cristina said as she stood up as well, walking with Meredith to the foyer.

"Okay," Madelyn said, heading outside to Cristina's car.

"Thank you so much for this Cristina," Meredith said, "I'll repay you somehow."

"You better," Cristina said flatly. "Now, why are you putting your other kids in danger?"

"I'm not," Meredith responded.

"You are. You're putting them in danger and yourself. You are being stupid," Cristina scolded.

"I can take care of myself," Meredith answered, "They will be okay. I promise."

"Now what about this husband of yours. What are you going to do about him?"

"Let me deal with Trevor," Meredith pleaded.

Cristina paused for a moment, almost thinking. "This is the last time," she finally said, "The last time I will help you before I do something. I'm serious."

"Cristina."

"Seriously. Get help. Think like a doctor. If you were looking in on this situation, what would you tell yourself to do?" Cristina asked rhetorically before walking out of the door without another word.

* * *

Meredith slowly pushed the wooden door open, revealing her three other children all sitting on Madelyn's bed. She smiled as she walked in and Brayden immediately came running into her arms. "Hi, Mommy! I missed you today!"

"It's still morning," Meredith said as she adjusted him on her hip and walked over to the bed.

"I still missed you," he said sweetly.

"Well, I missed you too," she said as she bent down to kiss each of her girls on the head, "Now what are you all up to?"

"We're playing Candy Land!" Cassidy exclaimed.

"They are," Brayden corrected.

"Oh," Meredith answered as she sat down, placing Brayden in her lap, "And are you playing with your airplanes?"

"Yep!"

"Good," she said with a little laugh as he jumped off her lap and resumed playing with his airplanes.

"Did you guys have fun with Miss Izzie and Mr. Alex?" Meredith asked.

Hayley nodded and giggled, "Mr. Alex is funny."

"He sure is," Meredith agreed, "Would you guys like to spend the night with them tonight?"

Cassidy stopped playing and looked at her mother strangely, "Why?"

"Well, Mommy has to work tonight," Meredith lied.

"What about Daddy?" Hayley asked.

Meredith sighed, "Daddy has…. He has somewhere he has to go tonight."

"Is Maddie going to stay with us?" Hayley questioned.

Meredith smiled at her daughter, hoping they were going to be okay with the arrangements, "No, Maddie is going to stay with Miss Cristina because she has ballet tonight," Meredith stood up, trying to transition, "Now, let's get backed okay? Miss Izzie said you two could bring dress up clothes for tonight! Wouldn't that be fun?"

"Yeah!" Cassidy said happily as she jumped off the bed and went to help her mother. Hayley agreed too and soon they were packing some toys for Brayden as well. At least some innocence was preserved in the Douglas household.

* * *

Meredith relaxed in the corner seat of the couch, Cassidy cuddled into her chest as she watched the movie in front of her. Hayley was lying on her side and Brayden was wrapped in a ball at her feet. The movie was almost over, but Meredith wished it wasn't. It was supposed to be a distraction. It was working better for the kids than it was for her, considering her eyes had mainly been clued to the clock. It was four-thirty. Izzie should be over soon enough to pick them up. God, Meredith wished she'd hurry up.

"Mommy? Does every girl have a prince charming?" Cassidy asked as she looked up at her mother innocently.

Cinderella. Cassidy had demanded that they watched it. Brayden had long since given up fighting over with his sisters and their girly tastes. Meredith sighed as she tried to come up with an answer for her daughter. She couldn't tell her that everyone always lived happily ever after. She didn't want to lie. But she couldn't ruin her daughter's innocence. She didn't want her to turn into her mother. That's for sure. "Uh, I think everyone is meant to be with someone. It just doesn't always work out the way it did for Cinderella. She's lucky."

"Why not?" Hayley piped in, waking up from her semi-drowsiness after watching the movie for the millionth time.

Meredith turned to her other daughter, still searching for the correct words. Maybe she should have just said yes and been done with it. It would have been simpler. Not complicated. "Life, it just tends to get in the way. People make mistakes."

"You can forgive," Hayley pointed out simply.

"I really wish everyone thought the way you did," Meredith said with a small smile as she ruffled her daughter's hair slightly before standing up and crossing the room to turn off the credits.

The doorbell rang and Meredith smiled, "Okay," she said as she turned back around, "Go get your bags and I'll get the door."

Her kids all hurried up the stairs as she walked to the foyer, slowly opening the door. She was surprised when she didn't see Izzie, it was Alex. "Hey, Alex."

"Hey, Izzie got called in so I figured I'd get the kids," he said as he stepped in, shaking some of the rain off of his leather jacket.

"Thanks, for this," Meredith said as she crossed her arms.

Alex nodded as his glance floated across the room and then back to her, "You okay?"

"Me? Oh, yeah, I'm fine. Fine."

He chuckled slightly, "That means you so aren't."

She rolled her eyes, trying to act like he wasn't so right. "No, I'm really fine. Really."

"If you say so," he finally said as the kids came down the stairs. "Hey little man," he said as he bent down to Brayden's level, "We're going to have to work on your baseball swing tonight once this rain dies down, okay?"

"Okay!" Brayden agreed excitedly.

Meredith smiled at her son's happiness. That's really all that mattered. That her kids were happy.

Alex stood back up and looked at Meredith, "Izzie, she's blissfully ignorant. I love her for it, I really do. She's optimistic and hopeful. It's wonderful, but it's clear that something was off at that dinner. With Cristina. With you. It's obvious." Meredith opened her mouth to protest, but he stopped her, "Look, I get it. You're 'fine,'" he said with air quotes, "But you are aloud to be not fine. And we're the screwed up ones of the group. Always have been, always will be." He gave her a smirk, getting a small smile out of her in response, "You can talk to me, okay?"

"Okay," she said nodding.

"Okay," he said, leading the kids outside, "I'll call tomorrow before I come to drop them off, okay?"

"Yeah, thanks a million Alex. Seriously," Meredith said as she followed out on to the porch.

"Don't mention it," Alex said with a smile before helping the kids into his car, Meredith watching from the porch until he was gone. Now the house was empty, and she was alone.

* * *

"I must say, you are at least decent," Cristina said as she swung her front door open and let Madelyn in before she shut it behind her.

"Thanks," Madelyn responded sarcastically, "Where do you want me to put my stuff?"

"Just drop it on the stairs," Cristina answered casually, "We'll take it upstairs later."

"Okay," Madelyn said placing her two bags carefully on the bottom step before following Cristina into the kitchen. Cristina was busy taking out two bowls and spoons before going over to the freezer, "I know that ballerinas are always stick thin and ridiculously healthy, but you can splurge for some ice cream, now can't you?"

"Of course," Madelyn answered happily as Cristina gestured to the bar that separated their kitchen and living room. She sat up on one of the high stools as Cristina scooped out strawberry ice cream and placed it in front of her. "Corinne is probably already asleep," Cristina said as she took her own seat, "These ballet lessons are really late aren't they?"

Madelyn nodded as she ate her spoonful of ice cream, "Well, mine are. I stay after a little for my solo piece. I want to surprise my friends and family."

"So that's why I was ushered out to the reception area?" Cristina asked, eyeing her.

"Yeah," Madelyn said with a smile, "You can come can't you?"

"Wouldn't miss it," Cristina said, focusing back on her ice cream.

Steps were heard on the stairs before Burke's voice was heard through the kitchen, "Cristina, you're home." As he crossed over to the bar he caught sight of Madelyn, "Oh, and we have a guest. Hello Miss Madelyn."

"Hi, Mr. Burke," Madelyn said with a smile, a spoonful of strawberry ice cream in her hand.

"Hey," Cristina responded before hearing more footsteps come down the stairs and making their appearance.

"Derek and I were just watching some television upstairs in the game room," Burke explained as Derek smiled at the two ladies.

Cristina began to feel slightly uncomfortable as she looked between Derek and Madelyn, who was currently staring at Derek. "Uh, Derek, this is Madelyn."

"Hi, Madelyn," Derek said with a smile, hiding the familiarity he felt, "Do you normally pick up young girls, Cristina?"

"No," Cristina snapped quickly, not finding him funny. "This is, uh, Meredith's eldest daughter."

"Oh," Derek answered, taken back a little.

A silence unfolded between the group of people and Madelyn knew why. The only one who was missing something was Derek. Burke cleared his throat to end the silence, hoping that Madelyn didn't feel uncomfortable, "What have you two been up to all day?"

"Went shopping, ate lunch, went to that little bookstore by the hospital," Cristina said as she continued to eat, "You know, this girl is pretty smart. She's read basically everything on this planet. She may make something of herself," she said as she winked at Madelyn.

"You guys were at a book store till nine thirty?" Burke asked doubtfully as he poured himself a glass of wine and offered one to Derek and Cristina.

"I had ballet lessons too," Madelyn explained, "They're really long."

Burke nodded, "Ballet? You must have an appreciation for instrumental music then, don't you?"

"I love music!" Madelyn answered excitedly a familiar smile that Derek took notice of instantly playing on her lips, "I'll listen to anything, but I do love instrumental too. My Mom used to play classical a lot. She said she played it when she was pregnant with me. Something about it making me smarter."

He smiled at her, "Then it must have worked."

"Oh, yeah, she's staying the night with us tonight," Cristina said nonchalantly, "Is Corinne already in bed?"

"Yes," Burke answered, "It's too bad, she would have loved to see you."

Derek sighed, "Well, I think I'm actually going to get home now."

Cristina picked up her and Madelyn's empty dishes and carried them to the sink as Madelyn got off the stool. "No," Cristina interjected, "I don't think you are. Madelyn is staying in the guest room. You are staying on the couch."

"You can't make me stay here," Derek said, almost laughing at her.

"Want to try me?" Cristina countered. She looked at Derek and walked close to him, close enough for no one to hear what she was going to say besides him, "For your safety, you better not. And I suggest you get that girlfriend out of your apartment and trailer as well. If you try to leave in the middle of the night, I'll kill you. Trust me, my wrath is probably worse than what I'm protecting you from."

The intimidation that Cristina usually held was there, but there was something else behind her words as well that Derek noticed. She walked away and led Madelyn up the stairs, but something stopped Derek from moving. Something was very off. Why was Madelyn's daughter here? Where were Meredith's other kids? Where was Meredith? And why does he need to get Analyse out of his apartment and trailer? What is she protecting him from? Why?

* * *

Meredith came home and emptied her car of all the plastic grocery store bags. Focusing on the products and the random things written on all of the boxes she put the groceries away, slowly, just hoping to pass the time. It took about an hour. When the pantry and the refrigerator were full of all of the necessities and than everything else that her kids loved, she started cleaning. First was the kitchen: the floors, the cabinets, the table, the counter. That took about another two hours. She was being extremely thorough. Extremely. Anything to distract her. Not satisfied, she emptied the refrigerator of everything she had just put in there, cleaned every surface inside and placed everything pack perfectly. She did the same in the pantry, almost satisfied when she was done. That took another three hours. It was nearly midnight when she was finally finished, but she was still home alone. She knew that he would come home soon and she needed to be awake and functioning when he did.

Coffee.

Heading over to the coffee machine, she silently debated over the three types of coffee she had bought. Deciding on hazelnut, she began to make the coffee as she headed to her newly organized pantry and grabbed a pack of fruit snacks. Just something to munch on.

The house was silent.

Dead silent.

Every once in awhile, she'd hear the coffee machine, but that was it. There were no cars passing at this time of night in her neighborhood, no children running up and down the stairs or wrecking havoc on her house, no television on in the background, no ambulances rushing to the hospital. It was creepy. Suspenseful. Almost as if the whole world was waiting just like she was. Waiting for something to happen, for a pin to drop. For the inevitable to just hurry up and ensue.

But it wouldn't.

It seemed like everything was paused. She just wished that the world would keep on going, that time wouldn't stop. She needed for this all to be over. The sooner it started, the sooner she could move on, heal, get back to work and her children. The sooner the fear would end. Fear of the unknown and undesired. She'd made the right preparations for everything. Her kids were gone. They wouldn't have to know anything. She could be back on her feet before they even knew. She'd already requested a day off from work. Her explanation being that all four of them had the flu. They needed their Mommy. The irony of the situation was that they were nowhere near their mother tonight.

She heard a car and all of her senses perked up. She waited for it to turn into the driveway. Waited. Waited. Waited. It drove by; the one thing that penetrated through her tormenting realm of silence kept on going and left her in the distance.

The coffee finished and she poured herself a cup, sitting down at the kitchen table again. She sipped the coffee some before placing it before her, almost forgetting about it completely. Time continued to drag on. The silenced threatened to consume her. She was drowning in it and she couldn't fight. That was the story of her life. She _couldn't _fight. She couldn't fight anything anymore.

She was tired.

Her eyes started to droop. Her head rested in her hand, her elbow slowly slipping alone the wooden table, a larger gap created, until she finally laid her head down on the table. She was being dragged down into the depths of her mind. She wanted to fight it. She needed to stay awake. She couldn't have him find her asleep. It would make him angry. Make her even more vulnerable. She needed to stay awake. She _needed_ to stay awake.

Coffee.

She forced herself to sit up and she lifted the liquid to her lips. It felt so warm slipping down her throat; it was almost comforting. She continued to drink it, knowing it was bound to kick in eventually. She was a surgeon. She was used to staying awake without any energy left, running solely on coffee. She could do this. She had to. For her kids.

Madelyn.

Her little girl crossed her mind, the little girl that wasn't so little anymore. She was growing up so fast, her mind far advancing her age. She was so bright, talented at so many things. Meredith was proud of her, more than she ever thought possible. Her daughter was going to be somebody, make an impact on the world. She knew it.

Hayley.

The girl was smart and so curious. She was a tomboy by far. Soccer was definitely her calling, even though she was amazing at any sport she ever tried. Her dream was to be a professional soccer player. And a surgeon on the side. That made Meredith smile. She never imagined her children looking up to her, and honestly, she couldn't understand why they would.

Cassidy.

The little one was so innocent. She looked up to her two sisters as if they were celebrities. She was so precious, her long curly hair was always in perfect ringlets, and she always had a perfect smile on her face. Her voice was giggly, her personality bubbly. She could always raise your spirit, no matter how down you were.

Brayden.

Huggable. Cuddly. Sweet. Those were the best ways to describe her only son. His hair was perfectly blonde, his skin fair. He was so tiny and he always found a place in her arms. She adored him to no end. Meredith knew he was going to be so smart, he already was. He started to speak before most children did and he spoke better than most two year olds did. He wanted to be a pilot. He was so little, but already driven. Determined. She could tell. It was just amazing.

Looking at herself, Meredith didn't understand. It was well past two in the morning and she was still waiting for her abusive husband to come home. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. She was a coward in so many ways; at least that's how she saw it. She hid her children, knowing they'd be ashamed if they saw her tomorrow morning. She knew they were all going to figure it out one day and all of their positive thoughts of their mother would disappear. She knew that they would eventually see her the way she saw herself. The same way Trevor saw her. Everyone eventually did. She just knew it.

The coffee was gone and her will to fight a losing battle was slipping away. _Surrender. Surrender. Surrender._ It was running through her mind, taunting her like a drug. She could fall asleep, turn off her own light, slip away from the world. It was so tempting to just turn off the world. She could leave everything behind, escape from every horrendous reality that her life was. She could surrender.

Her eyes slowly closed, and she was out.

Surrender.

* * *

**The last scene of this chapter was written differently than the way I usually write, at least I think so. I hope you all liked it. I just decided that it was the best way to convey what I was trying to get across, and besides, this story is really not what I usually write anyways!**

**Once again, thank you soooo much for the wonderful reviews!**


	33. Chapter 33: On the Verge

**Chapter 33: On the Verge**

Dr. Bailey crossed her arms as she examined the OR board carefully, noting that she was scheduled for a bowl resection at 7am. Doctors and nurses passed her quickly, running up and down the stairs and off to do their rounds, oblivious to her presence.

A nurse came up and began to review the board, checking a clipboard in her hand for correctness. Picking up the marker, she added another surgery for Burke on the bottom, scheduled for four o'clock. Placing the black marker down, she grabbed the eraser and erased a surgery that was higher up on the board.

Curiously, Bailey read all of the writing she could before it was all erased. "Excuse me," she said as she stepped closer to the board, "Why did you just erase that surgery?"

"Postponed till tomorrow," the nurse supplied as she began to fill in the newly erased space with another surgery, "Dr. Grey called in today."

"Called in? Why?" Bailey asked before really thinking about whom she was speaking to.

The nurse just shrugged, "Don't know. I just write and erase what I'm supposed to," she said before turning around and heading back to the nurse's station.

Unsatisfied, Bailey walked down the hall and through the hospital until she found the exact doctor she was looking for. She crossed her arms and stared at her victim for a moment before speaking, "We seem to be missing a surgeon today."

"And this is my problem, how?" Cristina snapped as she flipped through a chart, signing the things she needed to.

Dr. Bailey cleared her throat and continued to stare down Cristina, "She happens to be a petit blonde thing. Used to go by the name 'Grey.'"

Cristina's head snapped up, "Meredith isn't here?"

"No, and I'm guessing by that guilty look on your face, you have an inclining as to where she is," Bailey continued, her foot tapping slowly, yet impatiently.

Cristina looked around as she tried to come up with an excuse for both her reaction and Meredith's absence, "Uh, how about I just go and call her?"

"Yeah, you better do that," Bailey snapped, "And when she doesn't answer, I expect you to go to her house." And without another word, she turned around and let Cristina worry by herself.

* * *

Derek poured himself a cup of coffee as he heard footsteps coming down the stairs. He turned and smiled when Madelyn walked into the kitchen, "Is Cristina down here somewhere?" 

"No, she got called into work early," Derek said, placing the coffee pot back where it belongs. "Would you like something to eat, eggs maybe? I'm going to make some for myself."

"Sure," Madelyn answered, "My Mom and I always make a big breakfast on Sundays when she's home. We'll make pancakes, or omelets, or eggs, or French toast."

"Really?" Derek asked, his eyebrow raised.

"Yeah," she answered, taking a seat in the stool she'd sat in the night before.

Derek grabbed a few eggs out of the fridge and a frying pan out of one of the cabinets, "Your Mom never was much of a cook before."

Madelyn watched as he turned away from her before speaking about her mother. It struck her from some reason. There was something on his face that he didn't want her to see. "You knew my Mom well, didn't you?" she asked carefully.

"Yeah, I did," Derek nodded, still turned away from her as he began to crack the eggs in the frying pan. "We worked together. We, uh, we were… friends."

His hesitation was dully noted as well. Madelyn's analytical mind would have thrown up a red flag even if she hadn't already known. She smirked a little, thinking how horrible he was at hiding the truth. "Do you have any children?"

"No, actually," Derek answered, a little surprised by her question. "I've always wanted them. I have a million nieces and nephews," he said, turning to her and giving her a smile.

He had always wanted children. That smile on his face made her wonder, wonder what she was missing out on. She could have one of those amazing Dads, who called her his little princess. She'd never had that, but now he was currently standing across the counter from her. It was a strange feeling, especially for a ten year old, and definitely not one she should be feeling at her age.

"Are you married?" Madelyn asked, resting her head on in her hands.

"Used to be," Derek said before he turned back to the breakfast. It was amazing to him how much Madelyn was like her mother. She looked so much like her; it was almost scary. Her blonde hair was a little lighter, but her roots were just as dark as Meredith's. Her smile was nearly identical, and it brought so many memories to the surface of his thoughts. It was painful.

"You aren't anymore?" Madelyn prodded, deciding to get all the information that her mother left out over the years. She never would tell her exactly why her and her father couldn't be together. It was always something about complications and love not being enough. Madelyn had finally decided that it was just too agonizing for her mother, so she left it alone, but she had no problem getting things out of him, especially if he was willingly answering her questions.

Derek poured her a glass of orange juice and placed it on the placemat in front of her before responding. "No, I got divorced almost eight or nine years ago."

"Oh," Madelyn answered quietly before sipping her juice, finding it ironic that he'd given her her favorite juice without even asking.

Derek finished up the meal and placed the eggs and toast on two plates, accompanied with grapes to please his healthy side. He placed a plate in front of her and one next to her, taking the barstool Cristina had sat in the night before. "Do you like Seattle so far?"

"Yeah," she answered quickly, "I like my ballet studio a lot better than the one in D.C. I miss my friends, but I'm already making lots of new ones."

"You like school?" Derek asked, without even realizing how many questions they both had been asking each other. He didn't even know why he felt the need to know Meredith's child. It wasn't like he's be seeing much of her considering how invisible Meredith had managed to be since she had returned.

Madelyn nodded as she took a bite of her eggs, placing her fork down on her plate. "I love school. Reading is my favorite."

"Reading, huh?" Derek asked, surprised, "Most kids your age don't like to."

Madelyn shrugged and smiled, "I know, but I love pretending to be the characters."

Derek chuckled slightly to himself, "I used to the same thing when I was your age. My Mother used to complain that I always had my head in a book instead of spending time with my sisters or the neighborhood kids. When I got older, I used to take the ferry through New York and read on the deck. It was my favorite thing to do."

"My Mom said you liked ferries."

"She did?" Derek asked, surprised.

"Uh… yeah," Madelyn said slowly, shocked that she'd let that slip out. She didn't think him knowing that her mother talked about him often was a very good thing. Actually, it was probably just the opposite.

* * *

Meredith's mind slowly slipped into consciousness as she felt something hard and stiff against her head. Her hands shifted, her legs stretched out slightly, discovering the bounds of her strange position. Forcing her eyes open, she took in the sight of the baker's rack against the wall, dishes carefully placed along with a several of other things. She lifted her head in confusion, feeling a twinge of pain shoot through her stiff neck. Her hand covered the sore spot and rubbed it gently as she looked around, trying to make sense of her location in the kitchen.

The night came back to her, but she felt like she was missing something. She'd been waiting for Trevor. Where was Trevor? She looked over her own body, nothing fresh or new. Her coffee cup was placed where she left it, the rest of the kitchen undisturbed.

Curiously, she forced herself out of the uncomfortable chair and across the kitchen. Nothing had been moved or shifted. She walked into the foyer and noticed that the hook where Trevor places his jacket was empty. His shoes weren't in the closet. And his car wasn't outside in the driveway. It didn't look like he had been home at all.

For some reason, she wasn't convinced. She started up the stairs and began to search the upstairs for some sign that he had at least been home. She wanted him to have returned, even if he left. She needed for him to have returned. The possibility of where he might have been or been going otherwise scared her. Where did he go? What did he do?

The sudden ring of the telephone sent Meredith's heart racing and her body rushing to her bedroom to answer the phone. The bed was untouched, everything was still by the nightstand, his wallet included. She picked up the phone and placed it to her ear, "Hello?" she asked, her voice coming out softer and shakier than she had planned.

"Meredith! Where the hell are you?" Cristina snapped into her cell phone as her boots hit the cement in front of Seattle Grace, leading her to her car.

Meredith let herself exhale when Cristina's voice crossed the phone, calming her instantly. "I'm at home, why?"

"What the hell do you mean, 'I'm at home?' What's with this flu crap? You told the hospital you needed to be home with your sick children? Your children are currently spread throughout Seattle!"

Meredith knew she was right, but she didn't comment on that. "Cristina, where are you going?"

"I'm coming over there to either beat the shit out of your asshole husband or take you to work. Whichever seems better when I arrive and assess the situation," Cristina spat out quickly as she fought with her keys to open her car door.

"You don't need to come here," Meredith said calmly, the most relaxed and calm voice she'd managed to find in a while.

"Oh, really? What, do you want 'more time' or something? Cause frankly, you letting your husband beat the crap out of you is seriously putting a damper on my day. I'm missing a surgery. Do you understand that? Bailey can apparently still do that to me. How wrong is that?" Cristina continued to rant as she finally got into her car.

"No, I just, I don't need you to pick me up. I can come myself. I'm fine. Trevor didn't come home," she said, something in her voice almost sounding disappointed instead of relieved, how wrong was that?

Cristina took notice of her tone and paused, "You wanted him to come home?"

"Well, no, but I just want it to be over, you know? Make the inevitable just come already."

"It's not going to be over until you stop it," Cristina said.

"He wasn't always like this," Meredith said in a low and soft voice, "He still isn't always like this."

Cristina sighed, attempting to be sensitive for Meredith's sake, "It's called the honeymoon cycle. They treat you wonderfully until they're hurting you. It's not going to just stop. It's a cycle. You have to stop it."

"Can you just, please give me one more night, please?" Meredith asked, dangerously close to the verge of begging, "I just don't want the kids here when he comes home and he won't be gone for too long. His wallet is still here."

"Fine," Cristina said getting out of her car, "She has ballet tonight too, doesn't she?"

"Yes, but she can miss one night if she needs to. I can call her instructor and say it's a minor emergency," Meredith said.

"No," Cristina said shaking her head as she walked across the parking lot again, "Ballet means too much to her. I'll get her there or Burke will. It'll be fine."

"Thank you so much, Cristina," Meredith said, the complete gratefulness evident in her voice.

"What about the other munchkins?"

Meredith sighed, "They stayed with Izzie and Alex. I'll call Alex."

"I'll talk to him. He's at work today," Cristina said, not entirely sure why she was volunteering to do this, "He won't say no."

"Thank you so much, Cristina."

"Yeah, whatever, don't think it's going to keep happening," Cristina said, ending her sensitive and nice stage. It was beginning to annoy her, anyways.

* * *

"Hey, Alex," Meredith smiled as he opened the door and let her inside.

"Here, give me your jacket," he said as he shut and locked the door before hanging her jacket in the closet.

She smirked, "You're oddly polite nowadays."

Alex shrugged, "Gotta grow up sometime, don't ya?"

"I suppose," Meredith said as she followed Alex into his kitchen, "I just wanted to see the kids, tell them I love them."

"You should stay for dinner. I'm ordering pizza for me and the kids. Izzie has to work tonight," Alex said as he glanced out the window at the backyard to see the kids, "So she won't wonder why your kids are staying here when you aren't working or doing something with Trevor," he finished, pulling out a soda and offering her one.

"Thanks," she said taking one out of his hands, "You're good with the kids, you know? Especially Brayden. He likes you."

Alex smiled, "Yeah, Izzie wants them."

"Don't you?" Meredith asked, sitting down at the kitchen table as he sat down across from her.

Alex shrugged, "I think so, but I didn't really have that good of a father. I wouldn't no what I'm doing."

"You're preaching to the choir," Meredith remarked.

"You're doing a damn good job," Alex said seriously, "Those kids are amazing. They're all smart and they're sweet too. I think they're making Izzie want to have some even more."

Meredith smiled, "Yeah, I love them. You'd be a good father, though."

"Sometimes a bad one is worse than none," Alex answered, "And I really don't want my kid wishing I didn't exist like I did. I hated my father."

Meredith looked up at him. His jaw had clenched and his voice had changed slightly when he spoke of his father, the seriousness of his words and feelings coming through. "What… what happened?" Meredith asked, almost afraid to. She didn't want to overstep any boundaries, but his emotions made her curious.

"He beat the shit out of my mother," Alex spat out quickly, almost surprising Meredith before hitting her hard, "When you're little you can hide it, you know? Pretend you don't hear the screams or see the bruises. But when you get older, you can't do it anymore."

Meredith stayed silent for a moment, frozen in her spot. A few years ago, this conversation would go much differently. She would be affected by Alex's confession, but in such a different way. "Did he ever hurt you?"

"No, it didn't matter though," Alex said, seeming more calm and okay with his past than he had been a few moments before, "Every time he slapped her, it was like he hit me too. She's my Mom, you know?"

Meredith just nodded, still unsure of what to say. "What did your Mom do?"

"Let him," he answered, a fire beginning to rage in his eyes. Apparently, he wasn't okay. "When I got older, I buffed up and the next time he laid a hand on her, I beat the crap out of him. He left and never came back."

Meredith swallowed hard. What was she doing? This wasn't her business and this knowledge sure as hell wasn't going to help her situation. "Everyone can get over a bad childhood, though, you know?" Alex said, "I just wish I didn't have to."

"Do you blame her?" Meredith asked quietly, "You Mother, I mean?"

"No, not really," Alex answered, "It wasn't her fault. She was a victim, but still. She needed help and she knew it. She could of got help without having her child save her and being screwed up."

"You aren't screwed up," Meredith remarked, "You have a medical degree, have a great job, nice house, and a beautiful wife. What else could you ask for?"

Alex let out a bitter laugh against the metal of his soda can before setting it down. "Self resentment is the worst punishment anyone can endure."

His eyes had clouded over as he spoke those words, deep and slow. It affected Meredith in a way she wasn't prepared for. "I know," she answered quietly, her eyes cast down at the table.

"Mommy!" Hayley said excitedly as she came in the backdoor and ran over to her mother, wrapping her arms around her.

"Hey baby," Meredith said, "Having fun here?"

"Yes! Alex is a great soccer player and basketball! He's great at any sport!" she said happily.

"Great," Meredith said, "You guys are going to have to stay here for one more night, okay?"

"Are you going to stay with us?" Hayley asked hopeful.

Meredith smiled tightly and shook her head, "No, but you guys can come home tomorrow, okay?"

"Okay," Hayley said, too young to be suspicious, "Is Maddie coming over here?"

Meredith shook her head again, "No, she's going to stay with Cristina again tonight. Alex and Izzie live too far away from her ballet studio."

"Okay, I missed you Mommy," Hayley said, giving her mom another hug, "I'm going to go outside and play soccer with Cassidy and Brayden again, okay?"

"Okay, but only for a little while. Alex ordered pizza and it should be here soon. You guys are going to have to wash up," Meredith said as Alex stood up to grab something out of the refrigerator.

"Okay!" Hayley said on her way back out the door.

Meredith smiled and relaxed back in the chair, "What are you doing?" she asked Alex.

"Grabbing a beer. Want one?" He offered, but she shook her head no. As he sat back down and opened the beer, she eyed him carefully. "What? I'm not stupid enough to get drunk when your kids are here. It's just one beer."

"That's fine, but your soda is still half full," she said, gesturing to the soda he had pushed away.

"Half-empty, the way I see it," he shrugged, "Besides, any divulgence in my past needs to be followed by something that will dull the memories."

* * *

"Thanks, really, for everything, Alex," Meredith smiled as he handed her her jacket and she pulled it on.

Alex opened the door to let her out, but stepped in front of it. She looked up at him strangely for a moment before he opened his mouth to speak, "Whatever is going on with you and your husband, work it out. Sooner or later, it's going to start affecting your kids and I wouldn't be surprised if Maddie was already at the stage that she starts to figure things out."

"Alex-"

"Just, if you need anything, I'm here, okay?" Alex said, cutting off her futile attempt of ignoring his point. "I'm not going to run to Izzie or Cristina and tell them. Just know, if you need to talk, I'm here."

Meredith looked down at the floor and nodded, clearing her throat as she tried to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall. She'd made it this far without crying and she wasn't about to do it in front of Alex. She couldn't.

Before she could recover from her rushing emotions, she heard the door close and Alex stepped closer to her. She looked up at him and he just wrapped his arms around her, pulling her in close. Her head fell onto his shoulder as he rubbed soothing circles into her back, trying to calm her down.

"Mer, whatever it is, you'll make it through, okay? I promise," Alex whispered.

Meredith nodded slightly, squeezing her eyes shut. Despite her intention, her tears started pouring out and she couldn't stop. Eventually, she stopped trying and she just let herself cry into Alex's shoulder. And he just held her while she did.

* * *

After giving herself some time to recover from her outburst, Meredith had one more thing to do before she could go home. Strangely, this was the first time that she had ever driven to her best friend's house. Actually, she wasn't even sure if she could consider Cristina her best friend anymore. After all, did Cristina think of her as her person? Doubtful. In fact, she was nearly positive that Cristina was more disappointed in her for the situation she's gotten herself in than once else is.

Parking in the driveway behind a vaguely familiar black car, she sighed and took a deep breath. She could do this. All she needed to do was say goodnight to her daughter, tell her she loved her, and then she could go home and wait. There was no reason to be afraid of Cristina… she was Cristina. Well, actually, that's a lot more frightening than it may seem to most people.

Finding some left over courage, she finally walked up the driveway to the rather large house. She never picked Cristina for this life: the expensive car, nice neighborhood, big house, child. Then again, she never picked herself for that life, and she was living at least parts of it. She always thought it would change Cristina, but apparently nothing could change Cristina too much. She was still the same in so many ways. Maybe Meredith did miss more than she thought in the ten years she'd been gone.

Taking a break from wringing her hands, Meredith rang the doorbell, hoping that no one had gone to sleep yet. She tried her best to seem calm and collected. It was obvious that people were suspicious of her; she was giving people plenty of reasons to be. But, she didn't know what Burke knew, and if he didn't know about her… 'situation,' she'd much rather keep it that way.

"Oh, Meredith," Burke said, opening the door. His smile was nice and warm, it didn't seem like he knew about the 'situation' at all. "It's nice to see you."

"Yeah, sorry it's so late," Meredith said nervously, "I just wanted to see Maddie before she went to sleep."

"Oh, it's no problem. You're always welcome here," Burke said as he opened the door wider and stepped aside, "Come on in. She's in the living room."

"Thanks," Meredith said with a small smile as she took in the sight of the house. It was modernly decorated, much like Burke's apartment had been. She liked it, actually.

Burke led her to the living room, which was in the back of the large home. Without even knowing it, Meredith had returned to wringing her hands. Burke just smiled at her nervous antics, knowing that she wasn't even paying attention to him.

When they reached the living room, Meredith stopped in the doorway, but Burke continued in and took a seat where he had been sitting with Cristina, a sleeping Corinne cuddled in between them. But, Meredith wasn't looking at them or paying any attention to them at all. Her eyes were glued to the over side of the room, and for a moment her breathing paused.

Over the past couple of years, Meredith has spent many nights thinking about her return to Seattle. She never really thought it would happen, but she dreamed. It was mainly the last four years that she'd thought about it the most, almost lusting over the possibilities. Although none of her dreams had yet to come true, something about this scene hit her hard.

Her daughter was sitting, talking, playing with her father. Her father. Derek Shepherd. In so many ways, it was like a heaven sent blessing. She'd wanted Madelyn to meet him so many times. Meredith had told her so much of her father, just never his name. Madelyn had even seen pictures of him. Few, but they were the only few that Meredith had. That had been a long time ago, so she wasn't worried about Madelyn knowing anything, but the scene was pulling on her heartstrings.

"Oh god," Meredith whispered, barely audible, as her hand covered her mouth. She didn't know what she was supposed to do. What if Derek knew? What if Cristina had told him?

Madelyn turned around and jumped up at the sight of her mother. "Mommy!" she said excitedly as she hurried over to Meredith, and wrapped her arms around her.

Meredith hugged her daughter back, but she didn't look down at her. Instead, she stared right ahead as Derek stood up on his feet. He ran one hand through his hair as he always did before placing his hands in the front pockets of his jeans.

Burke cleared his throat as he reached for the remote and turned off the television, "Cristina, why don't we take Corinne upstairs?"

"Wha- Oh, fine," she muttered to herself as Burke picked up their daughter. She followed him out of the room, mumbling something about wanting to know what happened, but Meredith wasn't paying attention to that.

"Hi," Derek breathed, the word rolling off his tongue the same way her name used to.

Meredith froze for a moment, his gaze sucking the breath out of her. She calmed herself down, a strange look passing over her face before she spoke. "Hi."

"Madelyn! You need to say goodnight and come to bed as well. You have school tomorrow!" Cristina hollered from upstairs, apparently not caring too much about her sleeping child.

"Cristina!" Burke hissed.

"What?" Cristina shot back quickly.

Meredith pulled herself out of her reverie and bent down to eye level with her daughter, "Cristina is right, you need to go to bed. I just came to tell you I love you and say goodnight," she said, smiling, her eyes glancing up to see Derek's eyes on them. Meredith pulled her daughter into a tighter hug and quietly said to her, "I love you more than anything in the world. You know that, right?"

"Yes," Madelyn answered, "I love you too, Mommy."

Meredith pulled back and looked at her gorgeous daughter, so proud of her for everything she'd already accomplished and persevered through at her young age. "I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" Madelyn just nodded. "Well, goodnight. I'll come upstairs and check on you before I leave."

"Promise?"

"Promise," Meredith smiled before standing up. "Now go upstairs before Cristina yells again."

"Okay," Madelyn giggled before turning around and smiling at Derek, "Night Derek."

"Night Maddie," he said before she hopped out of the room and up the stairs, still having too much energy for as late as it was getting.

When her footsteps finally ended, complete silence unfolded in the room as Meredith searched for something to focus on and Derek's focus was set directly on her. She had resumed wringing her hands and he would have found it cute if they had been on better terms and the reality of her life wasn't so heartbreaking for him.

"You left without saying goodbye," Derek finally said, too many emotions packed behind his words for Meredith to decipher.

"No, I-"

"The other night," Derek said, knowing what her mind had turned to. "At the hospital. You left without saying goodbye."

Meredith swallowed in an attempt to find words, but it was futile. She didn't know what to say to this man. There were thoughts flying through her head, but she couldn't translate any of them into words that he could understand. He would never understand her, her choices, or her actions. That hurt. He would never forgive her, and that broke her heart most of all.

Derek took a step forward, and suddenly Meredith found words. Maybe, it was just her talent of coming up with excuses that she'd perfected over the past few years, but whatever it was, she finally found something to say to him. "I didn't want to wake you… it was early and you stayed awake all night."

"You never minded waking me up before," Derek said, the slight glimmer of a smile etched on his face.

Meredith looked away, her hair falling before her face in a perfect way that almost hid her. But Derek could see her. He always could see her and see straight through her. "You used to wake up whether I woke you up or not," she said quietly, not really wanting to dive into the tempting memories of what was Meredith and Derek.

"That's because you snore," Derek laughed.

Meredith looked up quickly at him to defend herself. "I do not!" she protested, making Derek laugh even more.

When he stopped, another silence began and Meredith wondered what had came over her. For a moment, all of the problems between them seemed to disappear and for the first time since she had came back they had just been Meredith and Derek. Only, just as quickly as the moment came, it passed, and they were right back where the started. He was Derek Shepherd. She was Meredith Douglas. There were no ands; they weren't together.

"It was nice seeing you, Derek," Meredith finally said before turning around and heading to the door. She was close to tears again. She blamed it on the glass of wine that Alex had given her and then the emotional downpour he'd let her have.

She reached the door and she heard footsteps coming behind her, but she opened the door anyways and headed outside. "Meredith," Derek said, closing the door as he stepped out onto the porch.

Meredith stopped on the last step and slowly turned around, meeting his eyes, "Yes?"

"If there is ever anything you need or your kids need, anything, I'm here, okay? I'm still here for you," Derek said, going against everything that the Chief had practically ordered him to do and not do, but in that moment, he didn't care. "I still care," he added after a few minutes, almost silently.

Meredith just nodded, her eyes filling up before she turned around and headed to her car. Derek watched her, but he couldn't see the tears falling down her face as she got into her car. He had not idea what she was feeling; at least she didn't think he did. But he did, because it was remarkably close to the feeling gripping his heart.

As Meredith drove down the road, one thing continuously ran through her mind. She was lucky with Madelyn; she knew that. Her secret had stayed a secret for another day. And she was grateful. But that wasn't the thing that was running through her mind, pulling too many emotions through her body at one time. It wasn't the thing that was sending her to a panic and making her fall apart in tears.

He knew.

* * *

The second Meredith walked into her house, her phone started to ring in her purse. Without even looking at it, she flipped it open and put it to her ear, her other hand wiping away her few remaining tears. "Hello?"

"What happened?"

"Cristina?" Meredith asked.

"No, it's your fairy godmother," Cristina said, rolling her eyes, "What happened?"

Meredith put her bag down and took her jacket off as she walked into her living room. "What is he doing at your house?" Meredith asked quickly, avoiding Cristina's question completely.

"Well, someone demanded that I kept him locked away somewhere safe for a few days and considering he is a grown man, I couldn't lock him in a supply closet, now could I?" Cristina asked rhetorically, "I made him stay here. What's the big deal?"

"What's the big deal?!" Meredith shot back quickly, "Are you really that dense, Cristina?!"

"Oh, don't you even go there," Cristina warned, "Unless of course you really want to talk about who is the stupid one in this situation, and I can guarantee you that it wouldn't be me."

"I don't want Madelyn around him!"

Cristina rolled her eyes again, "What, she can be near her abusive father, just not her real father who would care for her?"

"Cristina-"

"Yeah, not my business, whatever," Cristina said, "Meredith, he doesn't know. I didn't tell him, Burke didn't tell him, and he didn't act like he knew. He was acting the same way with her that he does with Corinne. He's just good with kids, don't get your panties in a bunch."

Meredith sighed, "It's just…"

"I know," Cristina said quietly, letting Meredith know that she still was her person. "He's gone anyways. He never came back in after he followed you out."

"You knew he followed me out?" Meredith asked.

"Oh no, cause I really didn't listen to any of that conversation," Cristina answered sarcastically.

Meredith got quiet for a moment and Cristina waited because she knew there were things on the tip of Meredith's tongue, just waiting to be said. "Cristina, I think he knows."

Cristina knew what she meant instantly, "He does."

"He does?" her question was hopeful. Deep down she knew the truth, but she had been hanging on to possibility for so long and she wasn't completely ready to let go.

"He does," Cristina repeated, shooting down Meredith's final hope.

* * *

After finishing her conversation with Cristina, Meredith wasn't in any better of a mood than she had been prior to the phone call. Actually, her mood may have dropped. Not that it really mattered considering that she was all alone in her big house. Again.

Walking in to her kitchen, she dumped out the old coffee from the night before and started another pot. While that was brewing, she started walking through the house again. Just making sure that she hadn't missed anything before and that nothing changed while she was gone. Still, there was no sign whatsoever of Trevor. She wasn't sure whether she should be relieved, or scared even more.

When she finally made her way back into her kitchen, her coffee was ready. She was surprised that she had aimlessly searched her house for that long. Maybe she was going a little crazy. As she poured the cup of coffee, something caught her attention out of the corner of her eye. Something that she hadn't noticed before.

As she put the coffee pot down and left her mug next to it, she walked over to the phone hanging on the wall and looked at the flashing red light. She stared at it for a moment, almost as if it was going to do something. She knew that all she needed to do was click on it, but something was holding her back. She was hesitating. Deep down, she knew it was her fear.

One thing her mother told her a long time ago was that fear was for losers. Fear was for weak people that will never succeed. For ordinary people. That notion made her click the button without another thought and a small beep filled the room for a moment, until it stopped.

"You have one message."

The monotone voice struck Meredith was in a way it never had before. She had listened to a million messages on this machine before and the time between the beep and the actual message never seemed so long before.

"You have reached the Douglas household. We can't reach the phone right now, so leave your name and number and we'll get back to you as soon as we can!"

The generic message that she recorded herself not too long ago seemed to drag on. Her recorded voice was building up suspicion in her mind and she wished that she had made a shorter message, anything to just make the time stop crawling by.

The phone beeped again and then finally, finally the message started playing.

"Mer, I know that I left without saying anything… I'm really sorry, I just couldn't believe what came over me. I'm so sorry for what I said and did, I just was so angry with myself for everything that I've done. I shouldn't have taken it out on you. That's why I left. I need to cool down. I don't want to hurt you or the kids. I love you all so much. You all are my life and I don't know what I would do without our family. Meredith, you gave me a family. I love you so much. Please forgive me for what I've done. I took the company card and just got a hotel outside of Seattle. Once I've sorted some things out I'll come home. We can talk then, okay? Tell the kids that I love them. I promise I'll be back for Maddie's recital. I wouldn't miss it for the world. I love you so much, Meredith. I'm so sorry for everything I said. I trust you. I really do, and you are the most beautiful woman I've ever known. I'm so lucky to be able to call you my wife. You're amazing Mer, everything you do, it's all just so amazing. I love you. I'll call you later, okay? Bye."

And that was it.


	34. Chapter 34: Listen

**Sorry about the last chapter! I usually reread it really quickly to check for mistakes and I forgot to. When I went back, I was really surprised. I usually don't find that many! So, I'm sorry about that and I'll try to not let that happen again! **

**So, this chapter isn't as long, but it is still pretty long and I wrote it all in one day, since I'm leaving for a bit of vacation (without internet access!) Hope you like it!**

* * *

**Chapter 34: Listen**

Despite Meredith's intentions of forgetting, that night ran through her head constantly. First, Derek would cross her mind, and then before long Trevor's message would follow. Then she was left with about a million different roads to go down, choices to be made, but she couldn't decide on anything. She originally thought that time would help her, but it didn't.

Three weeks had passed since that night. She'd gone back to work and she had her children at home again. If she got called in or had to stay late, Alex or Cristina would help out, but that was it. She was taking care of her family entirely by herself and she was succeeding in doing so, while she held in all of her emotions. No one knew what exactly had been in that message from Trevor besides her. She just told everyone that he left for a business trip. After the way she'd been living lately, she didn't blame any of her friends for giving her a questioning glance and silently know she was lying.

Except for Izzie. Alex had been right when he called Izzie "blissfully ignorant." But that was who she was, and they all loved her for it. It didn't help that she'd been working over time and now that her mother was sick, she wasn't even in Seattle anymore for the time being.

Pulling on her scrub cap and tying it to her head, Meredith was relieved to be going into the OR. There, she didn't have to worry about Trevor or the kids. Half of the time she did, but she could relax if the surgery was challenging enough and this was definitely going to be one of those surgeries.

The scrub room door opened and Meredith's head turned as she started to wash her hand. "Hi," she said quietly.

"Hi," he answered, tying his own hair back with a scrub cap. "This is going to be difficult. You ready?"

"I'm always ready," she said, smiling with her slightly arrogant surgeon side.

"Good," he said as he turned on his own water and lathered his hands in soap.

Meredith looked down at her hands and continued scrubbing, trying not to focus on the close proximity that she was in with this man; someone whom she hadn't been physically close to in a long time.

Turning off the water, he looked at her for a moment, "You okay?"

"Yeah," she smiled, turning off her own and following him to the door. "You okay?"

"Of course," he answered.

"Good."

"Good."

There was just enough awkwardness in the room for them both to pause before saying or doing anything else. They both began to wonder when their relationship had come to this. They sneak by each other, barely speaking unless they're alone in a scrub room together or are forced to by some professional force. Even when they do talk, it's empty, void of emotion. It's everything that they weren't before.

"After you," he finally said, opening the scrub door with his back.

She gave him a tight-lipped smile and thanked him before walking into the OR and letting a scrub nurse put on the rest of her dressings. Staying still for a moment, he watched her. Her gentle movements and small smile. He wasn't supposed to find any of it entrancing, but he did. And he didn't know what he could do about it.

* * *

Cristina was certain that one thing surgeons tend to forget about is the gallery. When you are wrapping a ridiculously difficult surgery and the possible complications around your head, it's understandable that things like people watching you can be forgotten. Especially when it's relatively late and there are as much people left in the hospital.

Another thing about surgeons: they notice little things. They pay attention to detail. They have to. If they didn't, then they'd probably kill people, and then they would no longer be surgeons anyways.

As for Cristina Yang-Burke, she was a very good surgeon. Excellent, actually. Therefore, she paid a lot of attention to detail; she thrived on detail. Nothing escaped her, especially when she was watching for it.

As for Derek and Meredith, they fell under both of these descriptions about surgeons, especially the first one. They didn't realize that people were watching them, not the other surgeons and definitely not Cristina up in the gallery. Because if they would have, the subtle glances they shared may have actually been subtle. But they weren't.

Despite what Cristina had told Meredith, she hadn't listened to the entire conversation that night. She didn't know what exactly happened between Meredith and Derek, because Burke wouldn't let her spy. But one thing was for sure; their actions were becoming vaguely familiar. The way they were looking at each other reminded her of a few months that happened ten years ago.

Cristina knew that she needed to protect Meredith. She knew what those glances had done to her before. But things were different now. There were other things that Cristina needed to protect Meredith from. And honestly, which were the less of the two evils?

* * *

The serenity of the OR had done wonders for her mood, but being released back into reality put a small damper on her euphoria. Washing her hands, she looked up when Derek walked in, pulling off his bloody gloves and throwing them away. She looked up at him, giving him a tight-lipped smile as he moved to stand next to her, turning on his own water.

"That was great work in there," Derek said, his tone almost formal, as if he couldn't really think of anything to say to her. There were so many questions and statements running through his head, but he just couldn't let himself say any of them. He knew she was already setting a distance between them and he didn't want to give her a reason to pull away any farther.

"Yeah, you were pretty amazing," Meredith said, the compliment true, but still sounding too impersonal for them. They were talking as if they were just two surgeons, just two coworkers. Maybe they were. Maybe things didn't last, especially over a span of ten years. Maybe she'd been holding on to nothing in the back of her mind all these years.

Derek turned off the water and dried his hands, watching her the entire time. "It's seven o'clock. We missed lunch. Do you want to join me for some food, maybe catch up on things?" he asked, offering her paper towels to dry her own hands with.

Her eyes shot up to his when his question passed his lips and emotions ran across her face too fast for him to read. Taking the paper towels, she slowly found her words, "I… uh, I would, but I actually have plans."

"Oh," Derek said, almost surprised by his feeling of rejection, "Okay, maybe some other time."

"Yeah, okay," Meredith agreed as she threw her paper towels away. Derek gave her a weak smile before pulling the door open and allowing it to fall in place behind him.

* * *

Meredith left the hospital after checking up on a few of her patients, glad to be able to relax. She went straight to the babysitters, picking up Hayley, Cassidy, and Brayden before heading to Madelyn's ballet studio to pick her up as well. Since it was a Friday night and they didn't have school the next morning, instead of heading home, they went over to the Karev's.

"Hey, Mer," Alex said as he opened the door, letting her and the kids in.

"Alex! I got a homerun today in kickball!" Hayley said excitedly the second she walked into the house.

Alex smiled and picked her up, holding his hand out for a high five, "All right! I told you that you were the best kid in your class. See, I'm always right!"

Hayley laughed as Meredith rolled her eyes, removing all of her children's jackets and hanging them up with her own.

"Any one hungry?" Alex asked as he led them all into the living room.

"The kids ate at the sitters," Meredith answered as she followed Alex.

He placed Hayley down with her sister and turned to Meredith, "What about you? You must be hungry, you look tired too."

Meredith rolled her eyes, "Alex, stop being polite and nice. It really doesn't suit you."

"Yeah, whatever. There's left over spaghetti in the kitchen. Complain after you eat," Alex said as he took Meredith into the kitchen and began to make her a plate of food.

"Alex, I can make my own food."

"Just sit down and shut up," Alex ordered jokingly, "I had the day off, I have no kids, and my wife is on the other side of the state. I've been bored all day and I'm not where near as tired as you are."

Meredith sat down and smiled at Alex's words. "How is Izzie's Mom, by the way?"

Alex shrugged as he placed Meredith's plate in the microwave, "Wine?"

"That'd be great, actually," Meredith sighed as he grabbed two wine glasses and emptied a wine bottle that had been opened before.

"Hard day?" he asked as he handed her her glass.

She gave him a small sarcastic laugh in response, "That's definitely for sure. At least my patient survived. That's all that matters."

"That's all that matters when you're in the operating room. Other things tend to matter outside," Alex pointed out as he pulled out her plate of spaghetti and placed it in front of her.

"Please don't remind me," she mumbled as she began to eat and Alex sat down across from her.

Alex waited for a few moments, letting Meredith eat in peace. There was a look on his face; however, that told Meredith something was on his mind and this peace was going to be short lived. When she finally finished, she placed her fork down and pushed the plate slightly away from her. Leaning back in the chair, she picked up her wine glass and held it close to her, sipping it occasionally. "What?" she finally asked, the silence getting on her nerves.

"What do you mean, 'what?'" he asked, sitting up a little straighter.

She rolled her eyes, "You've had this look on your face all night like you were about to make a life changing decision. What's going on?"

"Nothing," he answered a little too quickly. Sighing, he placed his hands on the table and looked up at Meredith, "Yesterday, at the hospital some interns were talking."

Meredith let out a small laugh, "You know how interns can be."

"Yeah," Alex agreed slightly reminiscent before returning to his story, "Dr. Hall and Dr. Moore. I don't know if you've worked with them at all, they're Cristina's."

"I know them, I've only really worked with Dr. Hall. She has an interest in neurology. She was actually on my service yesterday," Meredith said, somewhat confused as to where this was going.

"Yeah, well, they were sitting at a table in front of me in lunch. I don't think they realized how loud they were talking. They were discussing a patient that one of them had recently, she was beat by her husband," Alex explained, a strange seriousness on his face and in his voice. As he paused, he looked up at Meredith, almost expecting her to do something.

She placed her wine glass down and leaned forward, crossing her arms on the table. She studied Alex for a moment, "Brought up some memories?"

"Yeah, but that wasn't it."

"Okay…"

"This woman, she should know better. She has kids. She has friends, a life. She's a doctor," Alex said, his eyes finally meeting her as his last words were spoken.

"Alex…" Meredith whispered, her voice almost testing the waters, praying that what she assumed was wrong and that he was talking about somebody else.

He didn't respond, only standing up and grabbing her empty plate abruptly. He walked across the kitchen, placed her plate in the sink and then stood there for a moment. He placed his hands on either side of the sink, leaning over it slightly as anger surged through him.

Minutes of painful silence passed with Meredith frozen in her seat. This was like the ultimate betrayal to Alex, but so much more complicated than that. He couldn't be resentful for the situation she was in. She was the victim. He had to keep telling himself that.

Meredith watched as he gripped the counter tighter, his muscles flexing in his arms, his veins showing. Then he relaxed. Without looking at her, he spoke. "Where is he?"

His words were full of hate and disgust, which Meredith hoped was being thrown at Trevor and not her. "I.. uh…"

"Where is he, Meredith?" Alex asked, finally turning to face Meredith, anger on his face. There was something different about his anger, though, because it was directed at her. He wasn't ready to hurt her. He was doing the exact opposite.

"Alex…" Meredith said as she stood up slowly; tying to talk about this, explain herself, or something. This wasn't supposed to be the way he found out. Actually, if she had it her way, he wouldn't have found out. Ever.

"Damn it Meredith!" Alex practically yelled, making her freeze in her spot. He looked down and closed his eyes, his fists clenching at his side. Meredith watched him calm himself down before he met her eyes again. "What the hell do you think you are doing?"

"Alex," she tried again, her voice a mixture between a warning and a plea.

"Do you think you're protecting your kids?" he asked angrily, his voice still slightly raised, "Didn't you hear a damn thing I told you before? You're hurting your kids. They aren't going to see it as you going through this for them. They're going to think you're pathetic. Do you understand that? You are ruining their lives. Their chance at being normal, at being not as fucked up as you are. You're ruining it, damn it! What the hell is wrong with you?!" His words were on a roller coaster, it's peak in the middle of his rant, ending as his words slowed and softened until he was nearly out of breath.

Without him speaking, every other noise in the house seemed to get louder: the sounds from the television, her children's laughter, the ticking clock, the buzz of the refrigerator, and his heavy and uneven breathing. None of it registered with her mind, though. She zoomed out from the world, shutting herself down the same way she did with Trevor. She couldn't handle it. Her emotions hid themselves; wrapped up in perfectly crafted disguises, ready to fool the world. Her eyes glazed over, unable to face Alex or anyone else in the face again.

Everyone knew.

That was the only thing going through her mind as time froze and she was forced to face that. Everyone knew. Everyone. Her coworkers, people below her, people above her. People she didn't even know. They all knew. They all had squirmed their ways into her personal life. And if they didn't know yet, they were going to find out.

Meredith Grey Douglas was beat by her husband. It was practically in lights now, flashing before everyone she knew. Just another reason that she was a failure. Ordinary. Now, she'd actually slipped below ordinary. She was pathetic. Pitiful. People were going to give her those looks, those looks that were like knives stabbing at her self-worth and esteem. They would degrade her. They would tear her down until nothing was left of her. This was the end.

She knew it. Trevor wouldn't go down without a fight no matter what, and she'd be the fight. She'd be the victim. Someone was going to try and be the hero. She'd only been worried about Derek, but now Alex. Alex was going to get himself mixed into this when he didn't need to. No one needed to get mixed into this. They were just going to get themselves caught in a cross-fire that was already spreading madly through Meredith's life and currently burning down everything she'd ever built up.

Her only safe place was the OR. Nothing could reach her there before. But now, the doctors and the nurses were going to be staring at her. Waiting for her to crack. They're going to pity her, offering to do things that they really didn't want to do. They weren't going to see her as a surgeon anymore. She was going to be the battered woman. They weren't going to see her as herself.

"Meredith?"

His voice came out differently now, almost as though the spirit that had taken over him had released his soul. His tone was almost apologetic, concerned, worried. Her facial expression was blank, like a white mask covering so much pain it was almost unbearable to imagine. Guilt began to rage through his body, regret following it, making him wish he wouldn't have blown up on her like that.

"I.. I need to go," Meredith stammered out, her eyes still focused nowhere.

"Mered-"

"I need to go," she said again, "Maddie's recital is tomorrow night. The kids need a goodnight's sleep," she said, the only excuse she could find before turning abruptly and walking into the living room. "Come on, we need to go."

"But we haven't gotten to play with Alex yet!" Hayley whined as they all looked at their mother.

Meredith sighed heavily as she grabbed everyone's jackets, "I don't care. We're leaving. Now. You can play with Alex some other time."

Alex came into the room as Meredith helped Brayden with his jacket, "Meredith, we need to talk. Just let the kids play."

"No," she insisted, still not looking at him as she fought with Brayden's zipper, "They all need sleep. Madelyn has a solo tomorrow night. And Brayden won't be able to stay up to see it unless he gets a goodnight sleep. And Hayley gets cranky without the right amount of sleep. And three children that are half asleep and cranky will not make it very easy for me to watch my wonderful daughter's solo. So we need to go home."

By the time she finally stopped rambling, everyone had their jackets on and she was ready to go out the door. "Thank you so much for having us and for dinner."

Meredith opened the front door and began to usher her children out to the car. Before she could follow them, Alex grabbed her arm and stopped her. "Let me go," she said in an even and solid tone.

Meredith looked out at her kids, refusing to look at Alex. Not wanting to fight with her, he held on to her arm and spoke directly to her ear, his voice slow and calm. "Meredith, you need to leave him. You know it. You're better than him. Despite whatever you may think, you are worth something and it's a whole lot more than this. You came back to Seattle for a reason and it wasn't a job. Anyone can see that. You want help, you want to escape it. You know it. Just let someone help you, for once in your life. You deserve better. You. Meredith Grey deserve better."

When he finally let go, she immediately walked away with him and began buckling her children into her car without looking back at Alex or acknowledging a word he said. He watched her until she drove away, not bothered a bit that she didn't react. It didn't matter. He knew she heard everything he said. She heard. More importantly, he had made her listen.

11


	35. Chapter 35: Lovers at a Great Divide I

**I'm going to start off by apologizing for the lack of updates on this story! I've been on vacation so it's been really hard for me to write. Especially since this chapter just so happens to be the most important and probably the longest chapter in this story. Since your comments and messages were making me feel horribly guilts, I decided to split up this chapter. I had it all written out in a flow chart (that's how important this chapter is... I actually planned it out!) and then I realized how long it was going to be, so it's now been divided into three. This is the first part. It's still like seven pages long, but it only begins what I hope will come out to be one of the best things I've written. **

**Things are going to get even worse than they've been... so, be prepared!**

**And thanks for all the comments! They make me smile:)**

* * *

**Chapter 35: Lovers at a Great Divide**

_Denial feels so good.  
We don't have a problem at all.  
Oh, denial feels so good.  
I'll even help you put up your wall.  
And I'll applaud you as you fall._

**Part 1**

"The day is a marathon, not a race. You just pause, rest, eat." Burke said as he walked with Meredith past the OR board.

"Can't," she said simply, "Besides, I am eating something."

He laughed quietly, "Cheetos don't count as food. It took me ten years to instill that in Cristina's head. You need actual food. I'm meeting Cristina for lunch, you should join us."

"Thanks, but no can do. I don't have time. Maddie's recital is tonight. I need to check on my patients and do about three weeks of paperwork so that I can get out of here on time. You two are coming tonight, right?" Meredith asked as she dropped the remainder of her snack in her mouth and crumbled the empty bag.

"Wouldn't miss it."

"Good," Meredith smiled, "Maddie really likes you Preston. She admires you. With everything that's been going on with Trevor's work, it's nice for her to have another stable adult figure in her life."

Burke noticed her lie, but kept it to himself. He just smiled appreciatively, "Well, our whole family adores Madelyn and your entire family. All of your kids are great."

"Preston!"

Meredith and Burke both looked down the hallway to the source of the voice coming their way. "Preston," Derek said again, catching sight of Meredith. "Meredith."

"Uh, hi," Meredith answered quietly, her breath seeming to be caught in her throat. She forced a fake smile on her face and Derek eyed her carefully, seeing straight through her front.

"Shep, what do you need?" Burke asked, directing his attention on Derek and forcing Derek's on him. He wanted to end whatever had been about to start between those two.

"Consult," Derek said, trying to focus his brain on what he'd been doing prior to seeing Meredith, "On my Jane Doe from the car accident this morning on the freeway."

"Of course," Burke answered, taking the chart from Derek.

Derek looked back to Meredith, who quickly looked away from him. He looked at her whole body, taking the sight of her body in. "Shep, how's your girlfriend?" Burke said quickly, sending Derek's eyes on a rampage away from Meredith's body.

He coughed awkwardly, trying to cover up his surprise, "Analyse? She's fine. Just great, actually."

"Good," Burke answered, "I'll see you tonight, Meredith?"

"Yes, I'll see you there," Meredith said, a nod given to Burke. "I'm just going to go," she said awkwardly, turning away from them.

"Me too, I'll find you later," Burke said to Derek before turning down the opposite hallway.

Derek nodded towards Burke before looking over at Meredith and hurrying to catch up with her, "Meredith," he said, catching her attention and making her slow down. "Mer, how are you?"

"I'm fine. Perfect even," she answered looking up at him with the same smile she had forced moments earlier.

"Good, that's great," Derek answered, not really having anything else to say. "How are the kids?"

"They're wonderful," she said the first sight of a real smile crossing her lips.

Derek nodded, his hands placed in his pockets, "You sure you don't need anything?"

"I'm sure," she said, "I'm a big girl. I can take care of myself."

"Oh, I know," Derek said quickly, hoping he hadn't offended her, "I'm just, offering help, you know, being friendly."

"Friendly?" Meredith said, looking up at him with an eye brow raised.

"Yes," Derek said concretely, "Friendly. I can be friendly. You can be friendly. We're being friendly right now. We're friendly."

"So, we're friends?" Meredith asked, sounding slightly amused.

"Exactly, we're friends."

"Whatever you say, Derek," Meredith said before turning down the opposite hallway that Derek had been heading. Leaving him to wonder if she'd been at all serious or not.

* * *

"Apparently, Derek wants to be friends," Meredith said in a way that showed she was undecided on the subject. She dropped her meager lunch tray in front of her on the table, joining Cristina and Alex for her lunch break.

Cristina placed her yogurt down, a cynical laugh her initial response. "So Mer, how did that work out for you two last time?" she questioned, her point only too obvious.

Alex decided to sit out on this one. He figured Cristina could put Meredith through enough agony and torture all by herself. The mask of denial that Meredith had been wearing was beginning to thin out anyways.

Meredith didn't respond to Cristina's remark, instead she began to eat her salad silently until Cristina decided to speak again, "Don't you have a recital to be at?"

"It's not till seven. I'm leaving a little early to help her get ready. About three or so. I just have to check in on a few of my patients first," Meredith explained, her mood a little difficult to decipher, "Maddie is so excited."

Cristina nodded, looking over suspiciously at Alex. He was never this quiet. That meant something was up and she would bet money that it had to do with Meredith. When she met eyes with Alex, he looked away quickly, yet nonchalantly. She let it slide for now, but she made a mental note to bug him about it later. Moving on, she looked back over at Meredith, "Is the husband back yet?"

Meredith's eyes shut up to Cristina too quickly for her to deny the sensitivity of the subject. She attempted to brush it off, but she knew it was basically a pointless battle. "Uh, no. Not yet. I haven't spoken to him in a few days. He promised he'd be there for Maddie. He hasn't missed a performance yet." The falseness of her optimism was dreadfully obvious, but she was with her friends who saw straight through her, so she didn't feel like caring. Still, that didn't stop her from moving the subject away from her sham of a marriage, "So, Alex, how is Izzie doing?"

Alex hadn't really been expecting t enter this conversation and had been slightly surprised when Meredith had turned the table to him, but he just pretended like he hadn't been engrossed in his own thoughts. "She's being blissfully ignorant on the surface as she usually is, but I think deep down she is letting the medical facts sink in. They say that her mom doesn't have much longer."

"I'm sorry, Alex," Meredith said sincerely, even though she meant it for completely different reasons that Cristina couldn't see or understand.

Before Cristina had time to come up with some snide or cynical remark to segue them into the next topic of discussion, Meredith's pager went off. Giving them an apologetic look, she took her trash and left the table.

Alex looked over at Cristina as she felt the atmosphere of the table shift into something that rarely surrounded the conversations Alex and Cristina had. The seriousness of the silent stare worried Cristina until Alex finally spoke, "I think we need to talk about something."

* * *

Finally, she was done. She was done and she was only twenty minutes behind schedule. For a surgeon who just experienced a minor emergency, that was pretty good. Actually, that was pretty close to amazing. She had already changed and stuffed her scrubs into her large purse before heading out into the hallway. Heading into the elevator, she crossed paths with Dr. Bailey. Instead of continuing the way she'd been going, Dr. Bailey quickly turned around and side-stepped in between the closing elevator doors.

Meredith smiled at her awkwardly, not quiet sure why Dr. Bailey was acting suspicious. "Hello, Dr. Bailey," she said politely.

"Meredith," Dr. Bailey answered as she placed her hands on her hips, her tone low and scolding. She stepped directly in front of Meredith on the empty elevator, her feet shoulder width apart. Reaching behind her, she pulled the emergency break and Meredith's heart dropped.

She wasn't going to make it out of here alive.

"Meredith," Dr. Bailey continued, "Now, I don't care what the Chief wants me to do. Everyone is acting like this isn't a big deal, but I'm going to make myself very clear to you." Her eyes narrowed and darkened in a way that Meredith had never seen before. To say that was frightened was a major understatement. Bailey brought fear to a whole new and unimaginable level. "You have no more choices. In two days, I will be contacting the police and social services. Two days. Is that understood?"

Without any time of response whatsoever from Meredith, Bailey turned around and pushed the break back. Her back was to Meredith and she wasn't interested in hearing any response. Meredith was frozen and silent. It would have been possible to hear a pin drop in that elevator. The door finally opened on the second floor and Bailey slipped out as if nothing had happened. As if she hadn't just guaranteed Meredith that her life was over. Everything was going to come crashing down. It was frightening to know it before it actually happened. The immediate stress Meredith felt was immense. She couldn't handle it.

The door opened again on the bottom floor and Meredith masked her horror as she stepped off the elevator and headed out the door. Tonight was Madelyn's night as she was going to give that to her. Especially since it might be that last night her family really had.

Two days.

That was it.

* * *

"Derek!" Cristina hisses as he passes her in the hallway.

Stopping and turning back, her rolls his eyes at her. She's seriously been acting strange lately and it's starting to get on is nerves. "Yes, Yang?" he asked in an annoyed voice, his brief case brushing up against his jean pants.

Cristina's face hardened at his tone, obviously not pleased. "You are heading home, aren't you?" she asked, joining him in the walk towards the elevator.

"Yes, I am," he answered, trying his best to be conscious of her actions. She tended to leave hints from time to time about what the heck was going on in her mind and he was trying to pick up on them. Then again, maybe that wasn't just her. It seemed like that was a tendency of most women.

She nodded in response at first, her words apparently being selected carefully in her mind before she spoke. They reached the elevator and he pushed the down button. The doors slid open and they both stepped inside. He almost expected her to pull the emergency break, but she didn't. She stayed silent.

They both walked off the elevator once it reached ground level and headed toward the doors. Once they were outside, Cristina stopped walking. Derek stopped a few paces ahead once he noticed her absence. Turning around, he glanced at her questioningly.

"What's going on?" Derek asked quietly, his words rolling off his tongue gently. Whatever was going on, the situation seemed delicate. Cristina, for the first time, seemed sensitive. She was beginning to scare him, actually.

Cristina stayed silent at first, walking over to Derek. She looked up at him, her face hardening once again. "I need you to do something, Derek Shepherd, and I need you to do it without asking questions."

Derek was bewildered to say the least, but he went along with her anyways. "Okay," his voice was cautionary, asking her to give him more information without him actually asking her.

She cleared her throat as she glanced behind him, seeing who was around. Satisfied that no one was paying them any attention, she locked her eyes on him and continued. "I'm going to take you somewhere and you can't say or do anything to disrupt or cause any problems. No questions. You just have to wait. I'll explain everything once we get there and everything's ready. Do you think you can handle that?"

"I'm not a retard," he stated simply.

"Depends on who you ask," Cristina snapped before walking past Derek. He didn't follow at first, so she paused and glanced back at him until he got the point. He silently followed her to her car and got in, surprised that yet again, Cristina was whisking him away for some unknown reason.

Getting into Cristina's car, Derek felt his cell phone ringing in his pocket. He pulled it out and glanced at it as Cristina shut her door and shoved her keys into the ignition. She caught sight of the name on the display and let out a somewhat bitter sound before pulling on her seatbelt. Derek thought for a moment about ignoring the call and dealing with it later, but instead he answered it as he buckled himself in for Cristina's semi-reckless driving.

"Hey," Derek said, trying to sound casual enough. He felt stupid, actually. He shouldn't be trying to sound casual when answering a call from his girlfriend, but then again, Cristina was glaring at him and kind of scaring him, so maybe he did have a reason.

"Hey, I've been trying to get a hold of you," Analyse said, her voice sounding exhausted.

Derek sighed, "Sorry, things have been… well, kind of crazy." He was trying to be as honest as possible, but he had no idea how to explain what was going on to her. He didn't really know. Heck, he didn't even know where he was going.

"Same here," she said exasperatedly. "I'm thinking tonight would be a good take-out and lay around the house night. Complete with many unhealthy snacks and preferably some alcohol."

Derek chuckled and then froze the second Cristina's ice eyes met his. He faked a cough to try and pretend her glare hadn't really been what affected him. He looked away, feeling ridiculously small, and focused on the buildings they were passing. "Sounds like you've really been having a rough couple of days."

"Yes and you're in bed after me and gone before me," she complained in a way that he had always found cute. He knew she wasn't nagging him, she missed him, and that meant a lot. "I just want to relax, talk, just us."

The idea was appealing, but he knew he couldn't. He sighed and altered his glance to road in front of them. "I want to, but I can't," he said, hearing a dejected sigh. "Something has come up and I don't really know enough to tell you anything. There is just something I have to do tonight."

"Does it have to be tonight?" she asked, her complaint turning more into real annoyance. "I mean, Derek you've been kind of unlike yourself for awhile now and we really haven't had time to deal with it, and we need to deal with it."

"I know," Derek said, his voice portraying how horrible he felt. He could only silently imagine the things running through Cristina's evil mind at this point. "I just, it apparently does have to be tonight. I might not be long, I don't know. I promise I'll be home as soon as I can. I promise."

"Okay," Analyse agreed, her voice revealing how unhappy she really was. Despite her feelings, she was going to deal with it and stick around. She was going to wait for him. Because she was Analyse and that was what she's always done for him. And in her mind, they're Derek and Analyse. That's the way it had been for a year and she was hoping and praying for it to stay that way forever. She was going to forget whatever she needed from him right now and give this to him because she loved him. Love was give and take, and this was her turn to give.

"Thank you," Derek said quietly.

The description of feeling horrible wouldn't do justice to the way he was actually feeling in this moment. Or in the moment when she'd told him she loved him and he mumbled an awkward 'me too' mainly because of Cristina's presence. He shouldn't feel awkward saying that regardless of who was there. She was his girlfriend, he did love her. Their relationship was something he was proud of and he needed. He _needed_ her. Sometimes, she was his only lifeline nowadays.

"Feeling crappy, McDreamy?" Cristina asked, not because she really cared, but because she wanted to shove it in his face a little. You know, just in case he'd forgotten.

He chose not to respond and she didn't seem to care much. His thoughts were running through his mind far too fast and her choice of words wasn't helping. McDreamy. _McDreamy_. That implied that whatever was going on was about Meredith. That thought had crossed his mind more than once, but this just confirmed it. This was about her and this was serious.

And that scared him.


	36. Chapter 35: Lovers at a Great Divide II

**Chapter 35: Lovers at a Great Divide**

_The signal is subtle  
We pass just close enough to touch  
No questions, no answers  
We know by now to say enough  
With only simple words  
With only subtle turns  
The things we feel alone for one another_

** Part 2:**

Meredith handed Madelyn her ballet outfits, the new dresses secured in a garment bag. "Okay, honey," she said, squatting down in front of Madelyn. "Are you ready for this?"

"Yes," Madelyn answered quickly, her big smile brightening her blue eyes.

Apparently Meredith was more nervous than the actual performer, but she was a mom and that was to be expected. Meredith took a deep breath before pulling her daughter into a big hug, "You're going to be great. I'm so proud of you honey."

Madelyn giggled a little as they pulled away, "Mom, I'm fine."

"I know," Meredith said quietly, a small tear in her eye. "I know you're fine, but you're my little girl. And you're growing up so fast. I'm just so proud of you." Meredith knew she was rambling and probably repeating herself, but she couldn't help it. Her daughter didn't need her as much as she used to. This 'good luck' speech usually happened later after Meredith went into the dressing room and helped Madelyn get ready. This time was different. She'd done her hair and her stage make-up at home like all the rest of the moms, but now she had to step aside. Madelyn got to finish the process on her own with all of her friends, instead of her mom.

"You're everything I could ever have hoped for in a daughter. You know that? I just…" Meredith sighed, her thought falling away in the air as she blinked away a few tears. She couldn't finish that thought, at least not verbally. Still, it continued to run through her head. _I just wish your father could see you now…_ That wasn't the kind of thing she should say to her daughter before her performance. Definitely not.

"I need to go now, Mom," Madelyn said, knowing her Mom would just stay and continue to get choked up until the whole program was over unless she stopped it. "I'll see you after the show, okay?"

"Okay. We'll be watching,"' Meredith said before she kissed her daughter on the forehead and stood up straight, letting Madelyn disappear into the dressing room.

Meredith carefully found her way through the crowded high school foyer to the large auditorium that was slowly filling up as it got closer to the beginning of the recital. She walked down one of the aisles, finding Burke with her children about midway through. She joined them, sitting down next to Brayden. He immediately climbed into her lap and cuddled closet, already feeling tired from the day.

"Cristina is on her way," Burke said as he glanced at Hayley and Corinne who were chatting away happily, becoming closer friends every day they spent together.

"Good," Meredith said as she ran her hands through Brayden's thin, silky hair. Glancing up at Burke, she could tell he knew something was on her mind. "It's hard when they start to get older. They need you less," she said softly, silently cherishing the fact that Brayden still needed her to hold him.

"They still need you," Burke answered, "They may not need you to dress them and feed them, but they still need you. Just in different ways.

Meredith nodded, looking back down at Brayden. His soft eyes were beginning to close, despite his previous excitement about seeing his sister dance. She figured she'd wake him up when she was about to come on stage, and according to the program that was about half-way through the show.

"Kids never stop needing someone to love them, whether they want to admit it or not. Even when they aren't kids anymore, it's a human need," Burke said before a woman came on stage and informed the audience that the program would be starting promptly in ten minutes.

* * *

"Why the hell are we coming to the high school?" Derek asked, becoming slightly infuriated that he was being put in the dog house over this. Maybe this really had nothing to do with Meredith. Maybe Cristina had just called him that solely to piss him off or make things just a little bit more unpleasant for him.

Cristina put the car in park and pulled out her keys without dignifying his remark with any kind of a response. She reached into the bag of her car and grabbed a sweater, pulling it over the t-shirt she'd worn today, deciding she needed to look at least decent.

Derek watched her in utter confusion. "What are you up to?" he finally asked again once she stopped and seemed to be going over something mentally.

"Nothing," she answered quickly, brushing him off. "Now, get out of the car," she ordered plainly before getting out of the car herself.

He thought for a moment about ignoring her and being defiant. He should probably get answers before he did anything, but for some reason, he didn't think Cristina was trying to hurt him. Before, she'd made if very clear that she was protecting him from something and it would kind of make sense if she still was. There was something about the way she was acting that made him wonder if she was actually on his side.

So, he got out of the car. Still in silence, she walked down the sidewalk, glancing at her watch and cursing to herself. Apparently, they were late for whatever they were doing. Derek followed her, remembering her threats of no questions. He wasn't supposed to ask questions. None.

Derek wanted so much to turn around and leave, but his curiosity made him follow Cristina anyways. He couldn't figure this out. He was a brain surgeon and he couldn't connect the dots. His mind was continuously flipping between Meredith and Analyse, worry and guilt. He couldn't pick one to stick with, one to consume his mind wholly. The worst part was that he knew there really shouldn't be a choice to make. It should have already been made.

In ten years, he thought he had changed so much. He still had his land, his trailer, his small boat, and all of his fishing gear, but it wasn't the same. He had an apartment in the city now. It started as a place to stay when he didn't feel like driving all the way home, but he'd slowly started spending more time there. It was just more convenient for both him and Analyse, once she'd come into the picture. She liked the trailer and they would sometimes spend weekends out there, but his main residence was his up-scale apartment. He fished, but not as much as before. His time was already divided between work and Analyse as it was and he hated spending too much time away from her.

Aside from small behavior changes, he'd gone from a sad and depressed man to a man at peace. He'd come to peace with the fact that he would most likely never see Meredith again. Even if chance brought them momentarily together, he knew it would never last or turn into anything. The small flicker of hope for a family of his own that was reborn once Meredith came into his life had finally been extinguished. He spent time with his nieces and nephews when he could and told himself that was enough. He had learned to take what the world had given him and flourish within it instead of dreaming for the impossible and wasting his life away.

The second Meredith moved back to Seattle, she cracked the foundation of his new life that he had once thought was unbreakable. As he allowed himself to become wrapped up in her life and problems, he extended that crack until it reached every crevice of his life. In retrospect, it would have been smarter to not get involved. He would have been able to remain his new self instead of being stuck in a game of tug of war. A part of him was pulling, begging, pleading for him to revert back to his old ways, his old dreams, and his old desires. The other side was showing the suffering he'd endured and how far he's come. It was pulling for Analyse and every other new aspect of his life. It should be so easy to let go and fall back into his new life, but it's not. The old Derek Shepherd was back and strong, holding his own. His mind just couldn't decide whether that was a good thing or not.

Cristina snapped him back to reality by hitting him with a booklet. Derek took it in his hands as he followed her down a hall farther into the high school. Bringing it to his eyes, he got an amused look on his face. "I never pegged you for the kind that enjoyed ballet. Much less amateur ballet."

Cristina rolled her eyes, "Shut up, Shepherd." She stopped at four wooden doors that had the word 'auditorium' printed on a plastic plaque glued above them. "We're late, so we're going to have to sit in the back."

She pulled open the door and walked into the dark auditorium as Derek followed silently behind her. Everyone was applauding as a group of a bout seven tap dancers in black and red hurried off the stage. Cristina pulled Derek into the last row of empty seats. As Derek sat down next to her, his bewilderment began to reach an all-time high. About five little girls, no older than four were heading on stage. Their eyes were all glued to their instructor who was 'hidden' behind the curtain on their left. Their performance was cute and elicited many "awws" from gushing mothers in the audience, but the whole thing still made no apparent sense.

Trying to be quiet, Derek leaned slightly in Cristina's direction and kept his voice very low, "Are you going to explain to me now why we're watching four-year-olds hop around on stage?"

"We're not here to see them," Cristina hissed.

Derek's frustration rose, knowing that much already. "Then why exactly are we here?"

One thing Derek knew about Cristina was that she was a very forceful woman. Hell, everyone knew that about her. She thrived on intimidation and power. She spoke down to people, looked them straight in the eye, and assumed she was always one hundred percent right. It was her nature to show no signs of weakness or nerves.

Tonight, however, she was looking straight ahead and avoiding Derek's eyes. Her words were chosen carefully, an unexplainably heavy weight bearing down on them. Before she answered his question, she took an uncharacteristically deep breath. "It's Madelyn's recital."

"You could have told me that when we left the hospital. Why did you have to keep that a secret?" Derek asked, still not making sense of things.

"Because," she seethed between her teeth, "If I had told you earlier, you might have had enough tie for your tiny, tiny, _tiny_ brain to actually work."

Derek began to form the word "what" but just before he could, Cristina flipped through her booklet and shoved a page into his face. "What am I looking at?"

"The solo performance," she said as his eyes ran down the page until he found it listed last. Under the bolded dance title was _Madelyn Grey_. His forehead wrinkled in confusion and Cristina knew he hadn't figured it out yet. "What color are Meredith's eyes?" she blurted out.

"What?" Derek asked, his head snapping away from the booklet as the room erupted in applause again.

"What color are Meredith's eyes?" she repeated, her voice extremely slow as if to make a point of his stupidity.

Derek's mind immediately conjured up a million different images of Meredith, all complete with her radiant smile and her expressive eyes. "Grey-ish gree. It depends on her mood and-"

"Yeah, okay." Cristina said, cutting him off. "Green."

"What does this have to do with anything?"

Cristina ignored his comment completely, "Have you ever seen her husband?"

That question sent a strange feeling through Derek, erasing all the memories he'd brought to the surface of their intimate moments. His mouth felt oddly dry and his body entirely uncomfortable as he answered the question. "Only from a distance."

"Want to know what color his eyes are?" Cristina asked, her eyes glued to the nine-year-olds walking off the stage after their performance.

"No," he answered bitterly, slowly sinking in his seat.

"Brown," Cristina said anyways. "Look up at the stage," she said softly, her voice conveying a soft sweetness he'd never heard come from her before.

Madelyn carefully walked on stage, her ballet slippers on her feet. She was dressed in a flowing indigo outfit, her hair tied up in a bun with a few curls falling down.

"Derek, what color are Madelyn's eyes?" Cristina asked quietly, her voice still seeming foreign to her body.

Madelyn paused in her position, her eyes shutting gently before soft piano keys began flowing through the air. Her feet began to move first, one crossing before the other as her head carefully lifted up and her eyes opened.

Derek's breath was caught immediately, his attention being pulled in by the eyes he felt were a reflection of his own. He'd never seen it before; despite the many times he'd spent with the young enchanting girl. He'd never been able to make the connection until this moment and he never felt so stupid before. It was completely obvious to him now; Cristina didn't have to say another word.

Madelyn's movements were soft and graceful; almost as if she was floating. They completely mesmerized Derek as he felt an unconditional love for this angel grow in his heart. In that moment, it all felt surreal and he didn't really care much about reality and all of its problems. That was his daughter up there, showing everyone her flawless dance.

She was his daughter. His angel. His princess. He had a _daughter_. It was almost inconceivable to him, yet so right. Momentarily, he pondered the possibility of being wrong. Maybe she wasn't. Maybe someone in Meredith's family had blue eyes. He'd never met her family. The same thing was possible with Trevor. Cristina could be wrong. He could be wrong. Despite the many possibilities, something inside of him told him otherwise. She was his daughter.

As Madelyn's dance ended, everyone broke out into applause, as did Derek and Cristina. He had never felt so proud before. She was his daughter.

The lights in the auditorium slowly turned on after the owner of the dance company said a few words to end the night. Derek stayed still as people began to shuffle out of the auditorium, heading to find their dancers in the foyer. Cristina sat silently next to him, waiting for his next move. She could tell his eyes were focused on something, and she only had one idea as to what it was.

Meredith was standing with Brayden in her arms, waiting as Cassidy and Hayley pulled their jackets on. Burke and Corinne were with them in the row of seats, talking as the girls zipped up. Meredith absently glanced back as she took Cassidy's hand, her eyes unexpectedly landing on Derek.

He was sitting back in his chair, one elbow on the armrest, his fingers supporting his chin. His eyes were focused, yet glazed over in a way she'd never seen before. Her heart dropped as she saw Cristina next to him, her face plain. Derek seemed expressionless, yet she knew he was looking at her.

"Meredith, you guys ready to go?" Burke asked after she paused, following Corinne down the aisle.

Meredith looked away, catching Burke's eyes. "Yeah," she answered, her voice coming out raspy in a way she hadn't expected.

She ushered her girls into the aisle and walked to the back of the auditorium as Derek's eyes followed her. She knew Burke saw Cristina, but he hadn't done or said anything. He just left the auditorium, her family behind him.

The foyer was brightly lit and Meredith found herself wiping away a few absent tears as Hayley and Cassidy ran off to find their sister. She slowly followed them, Brayden cuddling close to her and trying his best to stay asleep. Her mind was racing, but she tried to focus on the task at hand. Get Madelyn. Get in the car. Go home. She was switching to automatic, hoping that she could turn off her emotions.

When she finally found Madelyn, Hayley and Cassidy had already given her bouquets of flowers that they'd bought before the recital. Madelyn was beaming and Meredith wished that she could be enjoying this as much as her daughter was. Trying not to be rude, Meredith tried to get her girls to hurry up. Without too much effort Meredith managed to lead them all to the doors and outside.

The air was cold and the sky was dark. The girls were happily chatting as they walked down the long cemented entranceway to the parking lot. Meredith was happy to say she was nearly home free. She had avoided a major disaster and she was proud of herself for it.

"Meredith!"

Her eyes shut the moment she heard the voice over the crowds of people heading home. She paused as the girls suddenly became quiet, knowing something was off. She heard the voice again as it came closer, footsteps beneath it. As she opened her eyes, Cristina was standing in front of her, telling the girls quietly to follow Burke.

Cristina gave Meredith a distant look, displaying none of the conflicting emotions she was feeling towards her friend. Derek stopped a few yards behind them, watching Cristina as she took Brayden out of Meredith's arms.

"We can take them for the night," Cristina said quietly, Meredith's strained eyes watching her as she spoke. "They'll be fine."

Meredith's face tightened as Cristina took a step away. She didn't have to speak, Cristina just knew. "I had to," Cristina whispered, "It's for your own good." She gave Meredith a small sympathetic smile, before turning away and heading down the path Burke had earlier.

She was motionless and she figured it didn't matter. She knew Derek would be in front of her soon; there was nothing she could do. Most people were already gone, only a few stragglers were still on the cemented path, heading to their car.

Derek placed his hands in his pockets, his high from earlier completely sucked dry. He found his voice with a little difficulty, speaking without taking a step closer to her. "We need to talk."

His simple, yet distant spoken words urged Meredith to turn around. Too tired to fight, she did and she met a pair of the bluest eyes. Afraid to look at him too long, her eyes fell, her posture followed and Derek just watched. He finally walked over to her, keeping a safe distance between them. She didn't look up, so he held out his hand. As she hesitantly took it, he felt something fall into place inside of him.

_I got no one to turn to  
So I'm turning to you  
I'm out on a ledge  
I'm stepping to the edge  
I'm at the end of my rope  
You gotta give me some hope_


	37. Chapter 35: Lovers at a Great Divide III

**Change in plans! I decided to go ahead and have four parts instead of three. That way you guys won't have to wait until I finish this chapter to read what's below! **

**This is getting hard to write because there are so many things I want to convey, but I hope that I'm doing okay. I was actually a little proud of this, so I hope you like it!**

* * *

** Chapter 35: Lovers at a Great Divide **

**Part 3:**

The silence was overwhelming, tempting her with awkward conversation starters that would lead them nowhere pleasant. There were things running through her mind, substantial and important things, but things she couldn't tell him all the same. There was nothing that she could actually get herself to say.

She could only imagine the things running through his mind right now. He was focused on the road before them, his hands gripped tightly on the steering wheel. Sometimes he'd release the tension and his knuckles would regain their color, but the rest only lasted momentarily before he tensed again. She figured waves of hate and resentment were flowing through him, every single one directed at her.

Their hands had touched, so plainly and insignificantly, yet earth shattering in a way that almost made her pull back. Her fingertips, resting against her soft sweater, were tingling with desire to touch him again. She had longed to reach out to him for so long, her desire never understanding his absence. She'd been holding on to her loneliness without him that it had become a part of her. Being alone with him now, with so much possibility lingering in the air was intimidating and fearsome, yet magnificent.

Everything was contradicting in her mind, her thoughts and emotions refusing to cooperate and align. The man who had cared about her, possibly actually loved her more than any other soul was sitting next to her, tense with hate and anticipation. He was going to yell at her, scream, and say unforgivable things that she more than deserved. Knowing the reality that was coming almost made her plead for an extension of this suffocating limbo they were currently residing in.

Too soon to predict, his trailer came into view. The darkness made only the outline visible clearly, but her memories made it come to life in her mind. When his jeep finally came to a stop, reality hit her much sooner than she could have expected.

The silence was cold, saying more things than any word could convey. As she unbuckled her seatbelt, she knew she was meeting her worst nightmare. The nights spent wondering and dreaming of the day Derek would realize he was a father were numerous, long, and sleepless. Racing through her mind, the possibilities seemed endless. This had been what she hoped wouldn't happen. Something inside of her, something blindly optimistic, had prayed that the overwhelming feeling of parenthood would dull his anger. She had seen the dark part of Derek that could hold a grudge full of pointless rage and cold resentment, but it had never been directed at her before.

The silence was telling her something. It was telling her that she was going to meet a whole different side of Derek. She'd given him his biggest dream, hid it from him, and then dangled it in front of his face. That's the way he would see it. It was just the final straw that would break and destroy any semblance of love they had left.

The jeep shifted as his weight left and the car door shut behind him. She was hesitant to move, but soon followed, more out of instinct than desire. She watched him walk up the steps of the trailer and across the makeshift porch, never looking back at her. It looked as though he was by himself, not with the newfound mother of his child.

She waited momentarily by the car until he finally stopped at the trailer door. He didn't look back, but she knew he wanted her to follow him. She knew this had to be on his terms. She was the one at fault here, so she sighed quietly and followed his trail up the steps until she was a mere foot behind him.

His keys shook as his fist clenched. He was facing the door, his hands at his side, but he wasn't moving. His breath was thick, his chest rising and falling at unexpected rates. His eyes would focus ahead of him, his back would straighten, but then another wave would hit and he'd slump. He was attempting to make himself invincible, building himself up just to be broken down.

Seconds crawled past hours, stretching out this heartbreaking view of the demise of a man. The crack Meredith had created in the foundation of his life had finally grown to the point of crumbling it all down. He was trying to pretend it didn't matter. He wanted to brush it off and be okay. He wanted to be okay with being a father and not a lover.

_I know you didn't bring me out here to drown_

He finally turned, his eyes pulling hers towards him. She didn't want to look at him; she didn't want to see what she'd done. Against her will, he held her gaze in silence until she felt everything he was feeling too.

_So why am I ten feet under and upside down?_

Tears were streaming down her face, her silent plea of forgiveness. When his eyes narrowed slowly, she knew something was coming. His mouth opened slightly. He paused before speaking, almost afraid of his own words. He knew she didn't want to hurt him, but he knew there was no way she couldn't.

"Did you know?" His words were vague and soft, but she understood. She knew the answer. Her eyes shut as memories ran through her mind, her head falling into her hands as her tears increased. He felt the need to comfort her, but no one was comforting him.

_Barely surviving has become my purpose  
Because I'm so used to living underneath the surface  
_


	38. Chapter 35: Lovers at a Great Divide IV

**Chapter 35: Lovers at a Great Divide**

**Part 4:**

The trailer wasn't as well kept as it once was, and it was obvious that Derek didn't live there on a daily basis anymore. Meredith wondered momentarily what had made him leave this and where he'd gone, but she didn't dare ask. He ushered her over to the couch, sitting down next to her once she did. The space between them was merely a foot or two, but it felt like a vast ocean separating their entire lives. Nothing seemed sufficient to connect them anymore.

Derek waited, knowing she was on the verge of speaking. He could see the wheels turning in her mind and he was willing to give her some time. She stared ahead as her tears began to fall down her face again, softly and slowly. Derek wanted to help her, hold her, and console her, but he didn't think she wanted him to just yet. Instead, he sat and watched her cry.

_  
I heard there was a secret chord  
that David played and it pleased the lord  
but you don't really care for music, do you  
well it goes like this the fourth, the fifth  
the minor fall and the major lift  
the baffled king composing halleluja_h 

"I knew…" she whispered as she exhaled, her words breathy and thin. She turned to Derek slowly, watching the emotions course through his eyes. "I knew when I left," she said, slowly gaining confidence as she spoke. "I knew I was pregnant and that's why I left. I just… I couldn't…." her last few words trailed off as she lost herself in her tears again.

_Hallelujah..._

Derek longed to just pull her in his arms, but he didn't. He couldn't. He needed for her to finish. He just needed to know. He waited as she tried to calm herself down. He watched as she bottled up all her emotions and hid them somewhere deep inside. He knew that she had bottled up things for years and that just made it even harder to watch. To add to the emotions he was already feeling, all his memories of this woman and his love for her rushed through his body and plagued his heart. All of their stolen moments, rushed feelings, and crushed dreams came back. For a moment, it seemed impossible to be here and doing this with the woman he knew. He wanted a completely different reality, which she had never left.

_Well your faith was strong but you needed proof  
you saw her bathing on the roof  
her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you  
she tied you to her kitchen chair  
she broke your throne and she cut your hair  
and from your lips she drew the hallelujah_

"Sorry…" she mumbled against her hand as she wiped the tears from her face. She took a deep breath and tried her best to sit up straight and look like she wasn't falling apart. "I couldn't be another obligation," she said quietly, her eyes cast down. She was afraid to look at him right now. "I knew once you found out, you'd leave Addison. Maybe we would have gotten married and raised her together, but I never would have been happy. I would have always questioned, wondered whether you really loved me or if you were only with me because of Madelyn. I just couldn't live like that."

"I left and went to Washington D.C.," she said, finally able to meet his eyes. "I was by myself for a long time until I made some friends and had Madelyn. They all helped me out with her, and then one of them introduced me to Trevor." As her husbands name left her lips, she could see the hatred cross Derek's eyes. "I was going to come back, Derek. That was the plan, but time kept passing and just kept getting harder."

_Hallelujah..._

Derek remained silent, even when she gave him room to speak. He couldn't think of anything to say despite all the questions and thoughts roaming through his mind. They just didn't seem important.

_Baby I've been here before  
I've seen this room and I've walked this floor  
I used to live alone before I knew you_

"When Trevor asked me to marry him, I was so happy," she said, a smile gracing her tear stained face. "He was different back then and he loved me and Madelyn. I thought I was finally going to get a chance at having the family I never had before."

"Mer…" Derek breathed softly, the words barely coming out of his mouth. "We have a daughter." It was the only thing he could say because it seemed to be the only thing that mattered. Despite all the circumstances, at the end of the day, they'd created a human being together out of their own love. It was such a beautiful thing to him.

Meredith closed her eyes for a moment and looked down at her hands before she gathered enough courage to speak, "I knew you'd be a good father. If the circumstances had been different, you would have made such a great father." As she looked up to him, she could see the love in his eyes for their daughter that he barely knew. It was overwhelming and she found herself wishing that that look were still reserved for her. "She knows about you. Derek, she knows who you are and that you love her." Meredith smiled slightly as she continued to speak, "She's heard a million stories of you and your love for ferry boats. All of your quirks. Your god complex in surgery. She knows all about you Derek."

"She just doesn't know me," Derek said quickly, stopping Meredith and directing her frightened eyes on his own.

_I've seen your flag on the marble arch  
but love is not a victory march  
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah_

"I'm so sorry Derek," Meredith cried, her body falling against the back of the couch as she continued to cry. She hated falling apart like this over and over again, but she couldn't find a way to hold it in anymore. It was like there was no more room in her heart for hidden tears and broken smiles. She just needed to let it all out.

_Hallelujah..._

Derek pulled her fragile body into his lap and rested her head on his chest as he cried. In that moment, he didn't care about anything besides her and he needed to take care of her. She grabbed his shirt in her fists, holding on as she cried. As she exhaled, her grip would slightly relax and only tighten as she inhaled. He ran his hands through her hair and down her back, whispering things to her as she cried. She wasn't telling him what was really making her cry and he knew that, but he decided it was okay.

_Well there was a time when you let me know  
what's really going on below  
but now you never show that to me do you_

It seemed like hours passed before she stopped crying and left go of his shirt. She lay silently in his arms, feeling the rise and fall of his chest. Everything seemed so similar, but it just made her regret the time she'd missed even more.

"Mer?" Derek asked quietly as she slowly turned her head to meet his eyes.

_But remember when I moved in you  
and the holy dove was moving too  
and every breath we drew was hallelujah_

They lost themselves in each other's eyes, both completely consumed in emotions. The seconds dragged on as they froze, their faces only mere inches away from once another. "Derek?" Meredith whispered, so quiet that he wouldn't have heard if they weren't so close. "I think… that even if I would have questioned your love, Madelyn and I would have been so much better off… with you."

Without hesitation, Derek's lips crushed onto Meredith's, slowing down as they met. The kiss became gentle and caring, as Derek carefully opened her mouth to grant his entrance. Meredith felt her hands twist in his curls naturally, without any thought involved.

Before they completely lost themselves to desire, their senses kicked in and they heard the old trailer door unlock. Meredith pulled herself away, her eyes still locked with his. The door opened and she jumped up as Analyse entered the trailer.

Derek looked between their faces, both confused. Meredith looked heartbroken; like she'd completely lost everything she'd ever wanted. Analyse looked betrayed and he knew he'd been caught.

_  
Well, maybe there's a god above  
but all I've ever learned from love  
was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you_

Meredith looked down at her hands as Derek stood up in between the woman. When she finally looked up, she watched Derek and Analyse communicate silently in a way only lovers can do. "Please take me home, Derek," Meredith interrupted, her broken voice cracking as it reached his name.

Looking at her for a moment, Derek tried to capture Meredith's eyes, but she refused. "I'll explain later," he said quietly to Analyse, afraid to touch her or even approach her. He couldn't bare breaking Meredith's heart anymore. He stepped closer to Meredith and hesitantly placing his hand on the small of her back, leading her out the trailer door.

He looked back at Analyse and sighed, "I'll be right back. I promise. Just wait."

Meredith walked out to the car without waiting for him, wanting to leave the light of the porch as her tears fell fresh once again. She felt stupid for losing herself like that when reality was impossible to escape. She kept forgetting that Derek had been hers a long time ago. That's just the way it was. 

_It's not a cry that you hear at night  
it's not somebody who's seen the light  
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah_

_hallelujah..._


	39. Chapter 36: Crossing the Line

**Chapter 36: Crossing the Line**

The car ride had been painfully silent, but Meredith figured that talking would only make it worse. She had no explanations for herself. At least none that would make anything better. She had nothing to offer and she didn't deserve anything from him. She just stared at the window and watched the trees that lined the small road. Since his trailer was really the only thing on this road, she figured this would probably be the last time she would ever be on it, so she might as well take in it's beauty.

Derek coughed, his dry throat scratchy. He wasn't anymore sure of how to handle this situation than she was. His hands were sweating for some reason and he couldn't stop his mind from spinning. He was sitting here with Meredith, but he had to go home to Analyse. It seemed off. This wasn't the way things were supposed to happen. He had settled and he had been fine with that. Now Meredith was throwing that off balance. How was he supposed to explain to Analyse that he had a daughter now? She wouldn't understand the responsibility he feels to her whole family now. He felt sick.

Looking over at Meredith didn't help any; it was a heartbreaking sight. She was fragile in every way a person can be. He wanted to protect her from everything, but he couldn't. She wouldn't let him and he didn't have a right to. Things were so screwed up right now and he didn't even know how they got like this.

"I want to know her," Derek said, surprising both him and Meredith.

The silence had evaporated, but the awkwardness was still thick in the air. Meredith pulled her head away from the window and looked at him. His eyes were tired; their sparkle was gone. "I know," Meredith whispered, her eyes falling down to her lap.

"You always do that," Derek mused, a smile finding its way on to his face.

Meredith looked up at him, "What?"

"Wring your hands like that. You always do it," Derek said, nodding towards her lap. She let out a small nervous laugh, agreeing with him. She leaned back in her seat and tried to relax as the silence began to unfold again. Derek just looked at her and smiled, "I'm glad you didn't change too much."

Meredith didn't answer, mainly because she couldn't think of anything to say to that. She'd been trying to block certain things out of her mind. Mainly anything that could be anywhere close to sweet, kind, or loving. Whenever he did things or said things like that, it made her think too much. Now all she could think about when he's smiling at her is his lips and the way they'd kissed. For the first time since she left the hotel room ten years ago, they'd kissed.

That last night had ran through her mind for months. When she was in D.C. by herself, Derek was all she would think about. After she started to show, there was no way to avoid it. People started asking her questions, wondering whom the father was, and they would all not so subtly glance at her empty left hand. The judgmental stares of some of her former coworkers burned into her soul. They didn't know about Derek or the affair, but she felt like she was in the Scarlet Letter and Adulterer had been pinned to her forehead.

She wanted Derek more than anything in those days. The loneliness was immeasurable for those few months, until she finally made friends whom she could trust. She depended on those people for everything and they did so much for her. It wasn't until after her and Trevor got married that she stopped seeing so much of them. He would want it just to be the family or just the two of them all the time. She drifted away from her friends and tried desperately to leave the thoughts of Derek behind as well, but she couldn't.

Now she could feel his breath against her skin as if he was hovering over her, breathing her in. His heartbeat was pounding in her ears, just like it did all those nights he held her while she slept. She wished she didn't have so many good memories of them, because than maybe the bad ones would overlap and make her forgot of their happiness. She didn't want to care about him, but she couldn't help it. Even when she was happy with Trevor, every time she looked at Madelyn she saw Derek reflected in her eyes.

"Derek?" Meredith asked softly, her eyes turning to his.

Derek met her gaze and smiled, "Yeah?"

She couldn't figure out why he was smiling or how he had the strength to smile. She'd put him through something horrible tonight and possibly sabotaged his relationship with his girlfriend, but he was still smiling at her and it was still making her feel things everywhere. "Madelyn Cristina Grey was born on June 25, 2007. She had blue eyes of course. The doctors told me that babies always have blue eyes, but I promised them that her eye's would stay."

Derek looked at Meredith again, taken back by the things she was saying. Her head was resting on the seat, a reminiscent smile on her face. Tears were falling down her face again, but he couldn't decide what she was crying for. "Her first word was Mama. She was eight months old. January 13th. She was my whole word back then."

Her smiled wasn't full. Derek knew all of Meredith's smiles. She had one when she was laughing, one when she was trying not to laugh. One when she was nervous, one when she was trying to be polite. One when she was thinking about the past and one when she was trying to imagine the future. Derek memorized each one, knowing the one-day she'd pull out another one. He never stopped learning things about her and he knew he had so much time to make up for. This smile, though, he could tell wasn't a smile that meant she was happy. It meant that she _had_ been happy.

"She was crawling at nine months and taking her first steps at ten. She's always been very advanced. Her vocabulary grew quickly. It was nice having her to talk to," Meredith laughed a little at that, mainly from how pathetic she knew she must sound. "She knew how to write and read before she entered kindergarten. She was such an avid learner. It was all she wanted to do. She used to sit and fight with a word for ten minutes before she'd ask for help. After a while, she stopped having to ask."

Meredith wiped a few tears away from her eyes as she felt Derek's hand on her thigh. Her breath caught in her throat as she looked down to make sure that she wasn't losing her mind. He was soothingly rubbing his hand up and down her thigh. Just letting her know he was there. She looked up at him, but his eyes were on the road. Taking a deep breath, she decided to continue, "She was dancing by two. She fell in love with it. She'd wear her leotard around the apartment whether she had to go to dance that day or not. My friend Lisa and I made her room fit for a ballerina for her third birthday. Lisa was an amazing artist and she painted these incredible pictures for her. She still has them on her walls now. Sometimes, I wonder how I was ever blessed with such a wonderful daughter. She's more than anything I could have asked for."

"She's amazing," Derek breathed.

"Yeah," Meredith sighed, dropping her hands on her lap. She felt Derek's hand wrap around hers and intertwine their fingers. She didn't want to think about what anything meant, so she didn't let herself. She just held on to him, reveling in the fact that she could again.

Meredith looked up at Derek, waiting until he met her eyes. When he did he smiled, but she didn't. "I missed you."

Derek's smile fell, his hand squeezing hers a little tighter. Looking into her eyes he nodded. "I know. I missed you too."

* * *

When Derek pulled into her empty driveway, he sighed and looked down at their hands. They fit perfectly together. No one had spoken the rest of the car ride, but it didn't seem to matter. They had been comfortable with each other just like they had been all those years ago. The night seemed to last a million years, but more importantly it seemed surreal. He has a daughter. He had the mother of his daughter in his arms. The back of his mind was reminding him that it was a one-time thing, but that just made him all the more thankful. He'd prayed for one more time to kiss her for so long and he got it. 

Looking up at her, he could see she was fighting to stay awake. He quietly laughed at her drooping eyes. "I think I should get you inside."

"Probably," she shrugged, "It's way past my curfew."

Derek laughed, surprised how much the atmosphere had transformed. He was pretty sure he felt every emotional possible tonight, but he wasn't ready to be done. He didn't want to watch her walk into that house and out of his life. The promise of seeing her again wasn't enough; she belonged to another man.

Pulling his hand out of hers, Derek took his keys out of the ignition and unlocked the car. Meredith yawned as she took her seatbelt off and began to get out of the car. Derek followed her actions and met her on her side of the car.

"Walking me inside?" Meredith asked, her eyebrow raised.

Derek shrugged, "My Mom would be mad if I didn't."

Meredith's nervous laughter filled the night air as they walked up her steps side-by-side. It scared him that he was already missing her touch. He shouldn't have let himself get this far deep. There's no way for it to turn out good for him.

They stopped in front of the door and Meredith turned to him. Derek had his hands in his pockets, their bodies not too far away. They both had things to say, but the silence was almost too comfortable to shatter. Without realizing it, they spent a good amount of time just staring into each other's eyes. It was incredible that they could still lose themselves in each other's gaze so easily.

"I should probably go inside," Meredith finally whispered, her mind almost hating the words she spoke.

Derek nodded, "You probably should."

Despite their words, neither of them moved away from one another. Something was holding them there, clinging to the possibility of a few more seconds together. Meredith finally looked away and Derek could tell she emotionally shutting herself down. Her actions were part of a thought out and practice sequence that led to her bottled up emotions. She was a well-oiled machine, but Derek could see straight through it.

He took a step closer to her and made her look into his eyes again. The silence lost its comfort and turned into something indescribable. Terror filled Meredith's eyes as she took a step backwards and let her eyes fall down to the ground again. "Uh, I'll talk to Maddie and we can… umm… we can plan something, okay?"

"Meredith," Derek sighed stepping closer to her. He didn't want her to do this. It was too much for him to watch what her spirit had been reduced to over the years. It just broke his heart.

"Okay," she said, nodding as she answered her own question.

She didn't look up when Derek took another step to her. She was trying desperately to fight it, but it didn't seem like Derek cared. She closed her eyes and tried to relax her body. Taking another step closer, Derek wrapped his arms around her.

His touch was unexpected, but she'd be lying if she didn't admit she felt it everywhere. He held her tightly, yet carefully as if she was breakable. Derek felt tears through his shirt, but wasn't that surprised. It just made him want to hold her longer, tighter. "I won't let you get hurt anymore, Mer," Derek whispered into her ear, so quietly she almost believed it was her imagination.

All day, no one mentioned it. It was like she wasn't the battered wife. She was able to be normal. Derek had allowed her to momentarily forget, but that pulled it all back into perspective. He knew. She had known that he did, but for him to acknowledge it was completely different. She couldn't escape it now.

"I promise," he added before pulling away enough to kiss her on the forehead.

Meredith looked up at him when they were finally apart and she found tears in her eyes again. She hated being such a mess, but Derek made it nearly impossible for her to hold everything in. "I really need to go," she said, wiping her hand across her face.

She had tried to make it look casual, as if she wasn't wiping away tears, but it was no use. Derek saw straight through everything she did. He nodded and took a step back, letting her know that he was actually going to let her go. "Thank you, Derek," she said quietly. "For not hating me. I know you could with everything I've done, but thank you. Thank you so much."

Derek shook his head, "Hating you is not as easy as it sounds."

Meredith silenced her contradiction, letting herself look into his eyes for just a little bit longer. A few more minutes passed before she finally pulled her keys out of her purse and put them in the door. Unlocking the door and opening it, she didn't allow herself to look back, and Derek didn't allow himself to look away.

When the door finally shut, he turned to leave. Walking down the steps, he could see the lights in the windows turn on. He barely made it down the path when he had to look back. He looked through the wide window that led into her living room. He could see her in foyer setting her jacket and bag down. The regularity of it made him smile. He wanted to be part of it all. He watched until his smile fell and he took notice of something he didn't want to see.

_Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end  
as your lies crumble down, a new life she has found._


	40. Chapter 37: Everything I'd Do

**Chapter 37: Everything I'd Do**

His eyes darkened as he gazed into the large window, his hand automatically falling into his pocket to retrieve his cell phone. He silenced his impulses that were pleading for him spring into action. His breaths became rapid as an incessant noise rang throughout his head, pounding at his temples and begging for his attention. He kept his phone at his side, his finger running over the keys. Backing away from the house, he followed the cemented walk back to the driveway.

His other hand fumbled for his keys, shoving them into the lock of his car door. The pounding continued, diverting his attention for a moment. Looking down, he tried to collect his raging thoughts. The lighting darkened, pulling his attention back to the house where the curtains were now pulled shut.

He opened his car door and slipped inside, instantly shutting the door and shoving the keys into the ignition. His breathing raced as he dialed three numbers into his phone, backing out of the driveway with his eyes focused on the glowing curtains, dark shadows revealing the disguised reality.

It sickened him to pull his eyes away, but he was forced to as his wheels collided with the asphalt, creating even more distance between them. He brought the phone to his head as he slowly turned the corner. Pulling off to the side of the street, he turned off his car and waited.

"Hello, this is a 911 dispatcher. What's your emergency?"

Derek took a deep breath, trying to stop himself from jumping out of his car, "I need you to send police to 3144 Terrance Street."

"Okay, sir, what's going on?" the dispatcher asked, sound of typing in the background.

"A man is hurting his wife." Derek swallowed, his eyes looking back down the street. He had to remind himself what he was doing.

_Focus. Going in there and getting yourself killed isn't going to help Meredith._

"What exactly is happening, sir?"

Derek's jaw clenched in aggravation, "He's beating the shit out of her okay? Now send someone out here!"

"Sir, are you a neighbor?"

"No, I know them. I'm sitting in my car. It's parked down the street." Derek sighed, calming himself down. His eyes fell down to his hand, feeling Meredith's touch all over again. Minutes ago, she'd been sitting next to him, holding onto him. Minutes ago. Now, she was with _him_.

"Sir, I need you to stay calm and do not go in there. Police are on their way," the woman continued, as if this was nothing.

_This isn't nothing. This is everything. This is Meredith._

"Okay," Derek answered.

"Okay, sir. I'm going to let you hang up now. The police are on their way. They will take care of everything."

Derek rolled her eyes at her attempt of consoling him. She couldn't do anything for him. "Okay," Derek replied before hanging up.

He looked at his phone for a few seconds before letting his eyes glance up at the house. Dialing another number, he pulled his keys out of the ignition and climbed out of his car.

"Hello?"

"Put Burke on the phone," Derek ordered sharply.

"Derek? What's going on with Meredith? How did things go?" Cristina asked, shooting questions at him.

Derek closed the door quietly, his shoe kicking away a rock. "Put Burke on the phone," he seethed.

"Hello?" Burke answered, the phone being shoved at his face while Cristina stood close to him, trying to hear what was going on.

"I need you to come to Meredith's house now. I'm going inside. I don't know what's going to happen. The police are on their way, but I need someone to back me up just in case." Derek spoke quickly and quietly, moving towards the house.

"Derek, what's going-"

"Burke, just do it," Derek interrupted. "I'm not asking you to risk your life. I just need you to get her out if I can't. That's all I need. If you don't want to then I'll call someone else."

"No, no, I'm coming," Burke answered as he jumped up and grabbed his jacket, Cristina looking at him strangely and begging for information. "I'm on my way."

"Wait, Burke," Derek said, pausing and taking a breath. "I need you to do something else first."

Burke's eyebrow creased, "What?"

"Go tell Madelyn that I love her. Tell her that her mother and I love her, okay?" Derek said softly.

Burke shook his head, "Derek, you're acting like you're going to die or something. Once we get Meredith you both can come and tell your daughter-"

"Burke just do it," Derek ordered, closing the phone and dropping it in his pocket. Taking one more breath, he hurried up the driveway.

_All I ever wanted was for you to know  
Everything I'd do, I'd give my heart and soul  
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me_


	41. Chapter 38: Before It's Too Late

**Chapter 38: Before It's Too Late**

Derek's pace slowly increased with each step he took. His eyes were set on the front of the house, but he couldn't see it. Memories were flashing through his mind, clouding his vision, and blurring the lines between real and imaginary.

_I wonder through fiction to look for the truth  
Buried beneath all the lies_

He could see every night he dropped Meredith off at that house and the nights he'd follow her inside. He never had to worry about her safety, even though he did. Meredith could protect herself, she was strong, but he wasn't so sure this time. He could feel sweat falling down his face, more from stress than anything else. A noise pierced through the air, sucking the air out of his lungs. Breaking out into a run, he sprinted up the driveway to the porch, pulling the door open.

_And I stood at a distance  
To feel who you are  
Hiding myself in your eyes_

He froze as the door shut behind him, his eyes adjusting to the bright light in the foyer. The house was silent and his heart sunk. "Meredith?" he called out, his voice hesitant. Searching around the house with his eyes, he remained still, his fists clenching at his side.

"Meredith!" Derek screamed, finding whatever courage he had momentarily lost.

_And hold on before it's too late  
Until we leave this behind_

He searched the living room, continuously calling her name. He moved quickly, but time slowed in his eyes. He felt like he wasn't going fast enough, looking hard enough, doing enough. Where was Burke? Where was the police?

"Meredith!" he yelled again, pushing the kitchen door open.

_Don't fall just be who you are  
It's all that we need in our lives_

Empty.

Wiping his face with his hand, he jogged out of the kitchen and headed up the stairs, not caring how much noise he made on the way. There was nt point in trying to surprise him now. Derek knew they both knew he was there. She knew he was there.

Stopping at the top of the stairs, he paused to think. He called out her name again and heard something drop. A muffled response barely broke the silence, "Der-"

_And the risk that might break you  
Is the one that would save  
A life you don't live is still lost  
So stand on the edge with me  
Hold back your fear and see  
Nothing is real till it's gone_

Derek sprinted to Meredith's old bedroom, their old bedroom, pulling on the doorknob. It was locked. Looking around for something to open the door, he heard the front door open, but it didn't register in his mind. Glancing at the bathroom, he remembered the night Meredith had locked him out on accident, trying to lock out her roommates instead.

Even if it wasn't as manly as breaking down the door to save the woman you love, he knew Meredith would rather him unlock it anyways. She loved this house too much. Jamming the key into the door, he pushed it open and met a pair of brown eyes.

_Hold on before its too late  
Until we leave this behind_

"Derek…"

He could hear her voice, pleading for someone, but he couldn't see her. Trevor was standing in the doorway, preventing his entrance, blood on his hands, seething. "How nice of you to join us," he said calmly, despite his heaving breaths.

"Trevor, step aside. You've hurt her. Let me handle her injuries. I'll tell the police you were remorseful, okay? I'll tell them you cooperated." Derek's words were chosen carefully, trying to convince Trevor to just let her go.

His laugh was sickening and Derek took a step back. Trevor followed him, pushing him out of the room until he shut the door behind both of them. "It's good that it's just the two of us now. I think we need to talk."

Derek shook his head, "Look, just let me help her. She's hurt. There's blood on your hands." He had known it the minute he saw him, but to have the thought pass through his mind was worse. Meredith's blood. It made him want to vomit. He didn't know how much longer he could do this.

_Don't fall just be who you are  
It's all that we need in our lives_

"Oh, no, she's fine. I can't hurt her. Don't you see? I can't hurt her anymore. She can't be hurt."

Trevor was confident in his words, but none of them made sense. Derek wouldn't let the possibility of Meredith's death pass through his mind. He heard her. She said his name. She can't be dead. She isn't dead.

"Just let me help her," Derek insisted, taking a step pass Trevor. He wanted to pummel the guy, but he was forty-seven and this guy was in his thirties, not to mention he was used to harming people. Trevor could kill him for all Derek knew. He couldn't risk leaving Meredith alone like that.

Trevor laughed again, finding the whole situation hilarious. "I can't hurt her," he repeated. "You. You're Derek Shepherd. You're the man that sent her crawling to me. You broke her. You killed her. I can't kill a body. Her soul is gone," Trevor said, still laughing to himself.

Derek's face fell and every emotion other than guilt drained from his body. This was his fault. He'd done this to Meredith. If it weren't for him, she never would have left Seattle. He was responsible for this.

"Derek!"

Derek's head whipped around to the stairs, as Burke came running up. Trevor smirked, "So, you brought a friend? How wonderful. I suggest that you both get on your way though. Preston, I do believe you have a wife and child. I'm sure they would much rather have you at home than your body here, don't you agree?"

Burke and Derek exchanged looks, but neither was sure what to do. "Fine then," Trevor continued, shrugging off their silence.

_So live like you mean it  
Love till you feel it  
It's all that we need in our lives_

Taking a deep breath, Derek pushed Trevor out of the way and pushed the door open. He slammed it shut behind him, locking it as well, ignoring the feeling that Trevor was letting him go too easily. The room was dark, illuminated solely by the moonlight. Stepping farther in, he heard glass crunch under his shoe. "Meredith?" he asked quietly. He could hear voices in the hallway, but he dismissed them. They weren't important now.

"Derek." The groan was quiet, the pain was much louder.

Derek reached the side of the bed, barely able to make out the side of Meredith's face. He pulled himself onto the bed, his hands touching the side of her face. "I'm here, Meri, I'm here," he soothed.

Tears blurred his vision as he felt the blood between his fingertips. "You're going to be okay. I promise, you're going to be okay."

Meredith looked up at him, feeling him touching her. It was warming and all she wanted was to take his hand, but she couldn't. She couldn't move. Her whole body was sore. Pain was constant and she could barely think coherently. It didn't matter though, because he was here.

_So stand on the edge with me  
Hold back your fear and see  
Nothing is real till it's gone_

A shot rang through the house and Derek could feel Meredith tense. Derek looked at the door, waiting for something to happen. A silence fell in the house, everything becoming motionless. Thoughts ran through Derek's mind, but he was afraid to act on any of the possibilities.

_And hold on before its too late  
Until we leave this behind  
Don't fall just be who you are  
It's all that we need in our lives_

There was a banging on the front door before it flew open. Derek could hear voices and noise, but it all blurred together. He looked back down at Meredith and began assessing her injuries in the darkness. He did whatever he could, making a few bandages out of shirts and things on the floor to stop her bleeding.

Not knowing what else to do, Derek laid down next to her and held her carefully in his arms. He could hear the police officers, but he didn't care. He couldn't leave Meredith. He wouldn't leave her.

_And hold on before its too late  
Until we leave this behind  
Don't fall just be who you are  
It's all that we need in our lives_

He loved her.

_It's all that we need in our lives  
It's all that I need in my life_


	42. Chapter 39: Serenity of Sleep

**I'm sure that you all have noticed a lack in my updates. A severe lack. I'm really sorry about that! Since school started, I leave at 6am for the bus and don't return from field hockey practice till 6pm and then have 4-6 hours of homework. Needless to say, I'm not able to write like I want. Really, I'm not able to write much at all. I am also working on a novel right now, so that has my attention when I do have a few moments. I am so sorry that there may continue to be some time between my updates for a while, but hopefully things will get better in a while.  
**

**Also, if you were a fan of one of my stories that are currently on hold (listed in my bio), then I can kind of use your help. Once I'm finished with Delicate and the Epilogue for Timeless, I plan on bringing one of those stories back, so it's up to you guys to decide which one it is! Currently, it's leaning towards "To Be With You." If you can, just pm me with the one you'd like me to continue and I'll keep it in mind once I have the time!**

** Sorry that this is rather short, especially considering how long you all have been waiting. (And thank you soo much for waiting!) Hopefully the next update will be much longer and more eventful. I just needed this to examine Derek's suffering, since I'm pretty sure that everyone has at least grasped a portion of Meredith's suffering.**

* * *

**Chapter 39: Serenity of Sleep**

The hospital lights were dim, most of the rooms dark. The near silence was almost suffocating; the small beeps of heart monitors the only semblance of life. The chairs arranged across the wall were unwelcoming, but he met their greetings anyways, slouching far down into the worn cushion. Rubbing his hands against his face, he could feel the prickle of his stubble, reminding him of the approaching morning.

He could close his eyes, but he found no peace in the safety of his own mind. He couldn't keep out the events of the night and the uncertainty of tomorrow. His eyes opened without his permission and found their way to the door across the hall, left slightly ajar. The small space between the door and the frame was pleading for his entrance, but he couldn't do it. He didn't want to face it.

Something about denial was comforting. Pretending that things weren't the way they were seemed easier than facing reality. Truth hurt, it was too much for him to handle right now. He'd had enough truth in the past few hours to last him a lifetime, enough reality to make him want to hide in a hole for the rest of his life.

The insistent vibration of his cell phone pulled him back up to the surface and reminded him of the mess his life had become. It was scary. There was no way around it. He was scared. He couldn't remember a time that he'd been able to admit that to himself before. Not when his father had died, or when he'd ended up in the hospital after his motorcycle accident. He hadn't been scared then, or at least not enough for him to admit it. Now, he was. He was scared for so many things.

He shut his eyes again, cutting off his train of thought and blocking his mind from carrying on to even more dangerous grounds. His elbow collided with the hard plastic of the arm of the chair, supporting his hanging head. There was nothing he could do. Helplessness. That was new to him too. This feeling of being useless and in the way was choking, and it was dragging him down further.

A creaking sound penetrated the quietness of the night, forcing his eyes to open. The door in front of him was opened wider and he could see the soft blue, green, and red glows of different machines monitoring her life. The beeping was calm and rhythmic, but it did nothing to calm his jumping nerves.

Moments passed before a nurse quietly left the room, pulling the door shut behind her. Glancing up, she noticed his eyes on her. She froze for a moment, almost as if she'd been interrupting something she shouldn't. His empty stare was heartbreaking, but she eventually forced herself away without a word.

His only access to her was now shut off. He couldn't see any part of the room with the door shut and blinds pulled. It hurt him to be so far away, but he didn't think he could survive any closer.

Maybe once she woke up he would be able to force himself to her. Maybe if she called for him, he would have the strength to go. He wanted to believe he would, but he doubted he was capable of anything other than existing. He couldn't live right now, only exist. He could observe, listen, watch, but not do. It was as if he was separate from the world around him, but he couldn't figure out why.

He wasn't sure how much time had passed when he felt a hand on his arm. His body involuntarily jumped before he could realize who it was. Without a word, she pulled him off the chair and led him away from the room. His empty eyes stared back at the room until his body was being turned down a hall and it was out of sight.

Silently, he was gently led to an on-call room and let go next to the bed. He stretched out against the thin mattress and shut his eyes, none of the events processing in his mind. The small sound of the door shutting was only background noise as sleep tugged at the corners of his mind. The limbo he'd been in for countless hours since the night began finally came to a close as he lost himself to the serenity of sleep.


	43. Chapter 40: Guidance

**I know you guys wanted Derek to go into Mer's room. I did too, but after going over the last few scenes of their night together and the things Trevor said, I didn't think it would fit. Derek has some issues. He thought he figured everything out before Meredith came back, but he didn't. He had dealt with most of the guilt for making Meredith leave, but not the guilt for what he reduced Meredith to. It may not be what Trevor did and nowhere even close, but he hurt her. He has never completely dealt with that before.**

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**Chapter 40: Guidance**

"Dr. Shepherd?"

Derek opened his eyes slightly, feeling a headache nearly consume him. Bringing his hand to his face, he tried to shield his eyes from the bright light coming from the window.

"Dr. Shepherd?"

Forcing himself to sit up, he looked towards the door, oblivious to his disheveled appearance. "Yeah?" he croaked out, his voice scratchier than he expected.

The nurse from the night before felt oddly self-conscious again, still feeling as if she was some place she shouldn't be. "A patient is asking for you. Dr. Bailey sent me to retrieve you."

Derek silently nodded, allowing her to leave and shut the door behind her. He threw his feet over the side of the bed and dropped his head in his hands, running his fingers across his face. He could barely remember Dr. Bailey last night, but he knew she was the reason he'd finally gotten up from his spot across from Meredith's room. Glancing down at his watch, he could tell it was nearly nine o'clock in the morning. He'd slept fitfully, waking up more often than he could count. His nightmares had been mere memories that he hoped he would be able to repress for the rest of his life.

Once he finally forced himself out of bed, he left the on-call room and found the nurse standing outside the door. "Uh, Dr. Bailey wanted me to show you to the room," she explained quickly. Derek barely nodded this time, running a hand through his hair, trying to comb it through. As they walked down the hall, Derek barely keeping up with her slow pace, he could feel everyone's judging eyes on him. People were assuming things, making up stories of their own, whispering. He hated it. He hated that he wasn't the only one they were talking about. He hated that most of their rumors, would probably turn out right.

"Right in here," the nurse said finally, brining Derek back to reality. She opened the door and turned away, leaving Derek to himself. He noticed immediately that it wasn't the room from the night before, but he wasn't thinking enough to question anything.

He walked inside and shut the door behind him without looking up, depositing himself in the couch against the wall. Relaxing into the uncomfortable cushion, he finally looked to the bed.

"Burke?"

"Cristina says you haven't seen her yet," Burke said abruptly, his face void of emotion.

Derek's eyes widened, taking in the sight of Burke in a hospital gown, slightly propped up by the mattress of the bed. His eyes traveled down to the thick white bandage encircling his arm and then back to Burke's face.

"It's a through-in-through. I'll be fine," Burke answered instantly, knowing the words crossing Derek's mind.

Derek ran a hand through his hair nervously, standing up and walking over to Burke. "I'm so sorry-"

"No" Burke interjected, "Don't be. At least not for this."

Confused, Derek looked up at him, his eyebrows raised slightly. He opened his mouth to speak, but Burke interrupted him again.

"You haven't seen her," he repeated, redirecting the conversation.

Derek sighed as he looked down at his shoes, "Is she awake?"

"That's not the point," Burke snapped, his hand clenching. "I took a bullet for that woman. I wasn't only there as you're friend, but as a guy who genuinely cares for Meredith. Now I'm telling you right now, if you give her the hope you gave her last night and then don't follow through, I'll kill you. I know we're friends and you were my best man, but that won't make me hesitate. I'll kill you."

Swallowing hard, Derek directed his eyes away from Burke, completely at a loss for words. He was ashamed of himself, scared, and more confused than he'd ever been. He couldn't believe the situation he found himself in was real. It seemed impossible. The vibration in his pocket caught both of their attentions, breaking the silence between them.

"I'm going to guess you haven't talked to Analyse yet," Burke assumed, judgment written all over his face.

Derek ignored his comment and the call completely. "Is Cristina with her?"

"She was. She's taking the kids over to Alex's place right now."

Derek absently nodded, "Oh, okay."

"You're going to go see her," Burke said. He wasn't asking. He was telling.

Turning away, Derek walked back over to the couch and sat down. Burke watched as Derek unsuccessfully tried to gather himself together. "If you would have seen her last night… I just… I can't…" he whispered, his voice falling off at the end, his breath uneven. "I'm not strong enough for this. I can't put her back together… I'm the one that broke her. I can't be responsible for her family. I barely can be responsible for myself."

Burke remained silent as Derek spoke and for a few moments afterwards, allowing the effect of his words to sink in. After taking a deep breath, Derek looked up at Burke, searching for some type of guidance. Burke sighed and looked away from Derek. "Whatever you're going through, whatever you're feeling, is nothing compared to the hell that woman's been living in for years. Don't sit here and feel bad for yourself. Do something about it."

Motionless, Derek let the words echo in his mind as he looked up at the ceiling. Burke waited for him to react, verbally or not, but moments passed and he didn't. Then suddenly, Derek stood up, nodded, and walked out of the room.


	44. Chapter 41: Reflection & Guilt

**You guys and your comments and loyalty are all so amazing. I'm so sorry for my absence. I've just been so busy and stressed out. Don't think that I've forgotten about you guys though! I still read when I can and I'm trying to find time to write!**

**I can't wait until this summer when I can just write all I want!**

**Here's an update. It's rather long actually. It's the first in almost two months I believe, so I decided that you guys deserved more than just a small thing!**

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** Chapter 41: Reflection & Guilt **

The room was silent, other than the monotone beeping of machines. Her face was turned away from the door, but the deep movements of her chest revealed that she was fast asleep, hopefully lost to a dream better than her reality. Without even looked hard, one could see the severity of her injuries. Derek leaned against the door jam, his head resting against the cool metal. There was something stopping him from stepping closer, but he couldn't tear his eyes away from her.

He couldn't imagine the hell she had been living, or the hell he put her through that led her to this destination. Guilt consumed him as he thought of all the nights he called her to that hotel room all those years ago, or surprised her at home or at work. It was selfish. He took so much from her and never gave anything back. He had been blind to her vacant eyes and her disappearing smile. He'd done something to stop it this time, but that didn't make anything better. There was nothing he could do to make up for the damage he had already done.

Sighing, he looked around her room again until his eyes fell upon the cards hanging on the wall next to her bed. Her kids must already have visited. What would they think? What were they told? Their father was a monster. How do small children handle that? Except Madelyn – she knew her father wasn't a monster. He was just absent. He wasn't there her entire life and he wasn't there this morning when he could have been. He had only known he was a Dad for less than twenty-four hours and he already screwed up. This day was one of those days that kids don't forget, no matter how old they get. Yet, Derek wasn't there for his only daughter.

It's slightly ironic, actually. People generally think that the kids who have horrible parents will be bad parents and the kids with the good parents will be good parents. Apparently humanity only learns from example. Well, everyone who thinks that must be wrong. Meredith had the worst upbringing Derek could imagine, but despite her faults, she is the best mother she can be. Derek, on the other hand, had the best parents he could have asked for, yet he is so selfish he doesn't even realizing when he's degraded another human being to the depth of suicide. He can't even be there for his daughter. Not even physically.

For the first time, it became completely apparent to him exactly how selfish he was. He was ridiculously, embarrassingly selfish. And the worst part was that he always thought he was doing the right thing. He had been lying to himself his entire life and thinking he was the victim. Instead, he was the culprit. Why in the world would Meredith even want him? She deserves so much better than him, than this, than Trevor. She's better. She's better than all of them, but here she is. It's proof that life isn't fair, at least not to her. What at all about this situation is the slightest bit fair to her? Nothing, but she probably things it is exactly what she deserves.

Derek's cell phone began to vibrate again, but he didn't even notice. He just kept staring at her body, refusing to slip into doctor mode and assess her injuries. It was usually involuntary, but he was terrified of knowing what was beneath that blanket. Holding her in the dark, he knew he couldn't feel the extent of her injuries, but what he did was horrible all in it's own.

"Derek?"

Snapping out of his revere, Derek turned around, stunned to see a familiar face staring back at him. He swallowed hard, not even pretending that he had any excuse for the latest events in his life. She just looked at him, learning more about him in those few seconds than she probably had in their entire relationship. Seeing a broken man can tell you many things about their character and what is important to him. She realized in that moment that whatever was going on, it wasn't going to get better. Things had been slipping for months and she only had let herself be partly aware of it, but now it was obvious.

He felt like he should say something, like he had a duty to say something. She deserved an explanation and an apology, but he had neither. He could see her heart breaking in her eyes, but she held up a shield and built a wall that prevented him from seeing the extent of her heartbreak. She just looked at him, letting him know that she was hurt and that it was his fault. But he already knew it, he'd known for a long time. Before he felt guilty about his old feelings for Meredith coming back, but he couldn't anymore. Now all of his guilt was reserved for the many things he had done to her over the years. He had none left to extend to Analyse, regardless of what she deserved.

Derek walked across the hall and sat down in one of the uncomfortable plastic chairs, feeling the sudden need to sit down. Analyse silently made her way over to him, sitting down next to him, yet keeping the distance of an ocean. He ran his hands over his face, his eyes finding their place in Meredith's room again. He leaned back in the chair, sighing and trying to get his thoughts together. "I have a daughter," he whispered, catching Analyse's attention.

"What did you say?" she asked, either deafened by the noises in the hospital or her disbelief. Neither of them could be exactly sure.

"I have a daughter," Derek said, the words still coming out as pure amazement.

Moments passed before he realized the things that could possibly by running through Analyse's mind. He turned to her, solely so she could look into his eyes and know he was not lying. "I never cheated on you," he clarified. "She's ten years old. Her name is Madelyn and she's… she's amazing." He shook his head, still trying to make the words seem normal to him, "I have a ten year old daughter that I just found out about yesterday."

Analyse took a deep breath. "You have a daughter," she repeated; no real purpose other than something to say. "Who is her mother?"

He tried to resist the smile that graced his lips when the answer came into his mind, but he failed. He nodded to the room, allowing his eyes to take sight of her again through the cracked door. "Meredith," he breathed.

Analyse looked up at the room. She had connected the dots in her mind the moment he said he had a daughter, but she needed the proof. Maybe, if she could understand that he would be leaving her for the mother of his child than it would make it hurt less. It would make the absence of a man who had been in her life for over a year not hurt so much. She was still hoping, but she knew it was pointless. This was not a pain she could avoid.

"Is she okay?" Analyse asked, for reasons she didn't even understand. How can you feel sympathy for the women taking the man you love away from you? Is that even supposed to be possible?

Derek shook his head, "I don't know." He sighed and looked back at Analyse, "I don't know what to say to you."

"I don't know what to say either," she shrugged, the honesty of her statement obvious.

Derek looked her in the eye and began a conversation he knew he could not avoid. "I have no explanation. I don't know what's going on. I don't know what is going to happen. My head is so twisted and filled right now that I can't believe I'm actually forming coherent words. I'm just lost right now."

"You don't have to know everything all the time," she said with a small smile, recalling all the times she's told him that before. Only this time, she was fairly certain it was the last time. It was the last time for a lot of things.

Derek blinked, surprised by her kindness. He expected her to lash out on him, but she wasn't. He should have known that Analyse was better than that. She had always had more class than that. "I never meant to hurt you."

"I know," she said, both of them knowing that that changed absolutely nothing. She stood up and looked down at him. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay since you didn't come back last night." Derek sat up straighter and began to speak, but she cut him off. "It's okay. Well, I mean, it's not okay, it really isn't, but at the same time it is. You obviously care about her and whatever happened to her, she obviously needs you. Who am I to stand in the way of that? I'm strong, I'll be okay. You have a daughter to take care of now. I'm not going to stand in the way of that either."

Derek stood up, unsure of the way he should react to her words. This was the end of a chapter of his life and he was feeling an incredible amount of pain, a level of pain that was hitting him completely unexpectedly. "Analyse-"

"No, don't say anything," she said, stepping back. "It'll just make it harder. I don't want to know the details. What I know is enough. There is something bigger than us dictating our lives and I think our part together is over now. I can live with that. Maybe I'll see you around, okay?"

She stepped closer to Derek and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek before stepping back again. "I want to stay in the apartment, but you can have all the time you need to get your stuff. I understand you have a lot going on," she said, her eyes drifting over to Meredith's room.

"If you have the sudden urge to burn all of it, I wouldn't blame you," Derek joked, lamely attempting to make light of the situation.

Analyse smiled, "I might take you up on that."

A small silence formed between them, but Analyse ended it before it could get awkward. "Bye Derek."

"Bye."

The finality of their words was painful, but as she walked away, another emotion was mixed in to his body. He couldn't exactly distinguish what it was, but as he walked back over to Meredith's room, he was finally able to walk inside. Without hesitating, he pulled a chair over to her bed and sat down, taking her hand in his, cautious of her IV.

And despite the situation and everything horrible that surrounded them, something felt right.

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End file.
